Ian Sansom - The Delegates' Choice aka The Book Stops Here

Oh God.

He walked to the Krimholzes like a man walking to the gallows.

Mr and Mrs Krimholz's house had no front garden. They'd had it gravelled years ago, to make way for his and hers Mercedeses. Their house was detached; Israel's parents' house was semi-detached. The Armstrongs had PVC windows and guttering; the Krimholzes had replacement sashes and mock-Tudor gabling.

Israel rang at the door, and Mr Krimholz answered; he was wearing chinos and a polo shirt, his hair and moustache cut close and neat. The Krimholzes were in their seventies, but they looked as though they were in their fifties; they liked to holiday. When other people were still going to Wales, the Krimholzes were going to France; when other people started going to France they moved on to Spain; when other people started going to Spain, they moved across to Florida. They currently had a little time-share in Cape Verde. They were in the avant-garde of mass tourism.

'Israel!' said Mr Krimholz. 'Israel Armstrong!'

'Mr Krimholz,' said Israel, shaking his hand warmly, though not as warmly as Mr Krimholz shook his; Mr Krimholz's handshake was on the business side of firm.

'Israel! Israel Armstrong,' repeated Mr Krimholz, looking Israel up and down as though he were a slightly unpromising suitor or a newly delivered chest freezer. 'How are you, young man? I thought you were working away in America?' Mr Krimholz had dyed his hair black. It made him look like the proprietor of a small Italian backstreet restaurant; he had in fact run a little electrical supplies wholesaler in Wembley.

'Ireland,' said Israel.

'Ah, yes. Computers, isn't it, your mother said?'

'Er.' Israel looked down at his shoes. 'Sort of.'

'Come in, come in. Don't stand there. Come on! Sarah!' Mr Krimholz called into the house. 'We have a special visitor! Come through. Into the lounge! Come, come, come! So you're back on business?'

'Yes. I suppose.'

'Good! Business is good?'

'Well…' Israel gazed around the lounge. It had changed since the last time he was here. They'd redecorated, with a Louis XIV theme: gilt mirrors, elaborate rugs and furniture with ornamental feet. Before that, it had been Scandinavian; and before that American Colonial. The Krimholzes changed their home furnishings as often as some people changed their cars. And they changed their cars almost as often as some people changed their sheets.

'The Internet, isn't it?' Mr Krimholz was asking. 'Was that it? We've got broadband now. Mostly'-he pretended to lower his voice-'so she can go shopping without leaving the house!'

'Lionel!' said Mrs Krimholz, coming into the lounge, grinning. 'Don't listen to him! Israel!' She kissed Israel on both cheeks. Her skin was incredibly smooth. She seemed to be getting younger and slimmer.

'He's back on business,' said Mr Krimholz. 'Information superhighway.' He made a swooshing superhighway kind of movement with his hand.

'Kind of,' said Israel. 'It's a sort of conference.'

'Good!' said Mr Krimholz. 'Networking opportunity.'

'Yes.'

'Now, coffee?' said Mrs Krimholz, smiling a doll-like smile. 'And what are you doing standing? Sit down! Sit down!' She gestured towards a grand sofa with an excess of cushions.

'No,' said Israel. 'I can't…I just…It's…I'm looking for something.'

'Not money I hope!' said Mr Krimholz, chuckling. 'Israel! Investors? You're looking for investors?'

'No, no!'

'We've just reorganised all our investments, you see,' said Mrs Krimholz.

'That's fine,' said Israel. 'I'm not looking for investors.'

'Excellent financial adviser, if you're looking for one,' said Mr Krimholz, bending towards Israel and whispering, as though someone might overhear. 'Hungry, you know? He's got that-' and here, disconcertingly, Mr Krimholz barked loudly, as though a young puppy had got its teeth into a brand-new inflatable toy and was tearing it to pieces.

'Good,' said Israel, backing away slightly.

'You know Adam has his own business now?' said Mrs Krimholz.

'Really?' said Israel.

'NMR scanning.'

'Right,' said Israel, unsure whether this was the name of the company, or what the company did.

'And he's doing his internship at Harvard Medical School at the same time!' said Mrs Krimholz, as though announcing the ending of hostilities in the Middle East. 'I don't know how he does it.'

'No,' agreed Israel. 'No. I don't know how he does it either.'

'Hard work,' said Mr Krimholz sagely.

'And talent!' said Mrs Krimholz. 'Hard work and talent.'

Adam Krimholz was Israel's oldest friend. He was the kind of person who always got top marks in everything he did, and yet-and Israel had never been able to understand this-he wasn't actually that smart. Adam Krimholz was average. In fact, depending on the average, Adam Krimholz was very possibly below average. He was naturally a C grade sort of a student. And yet he had somehow succeeded at everything way above his ability, while Israel, on the other hand, Israel Armstrong, who was naturally an A grade sort of a student, seemed to have failed to succeed at a level commensurate with his talents. It was a mystery. Adam Krimholz just seemed to have the knack, whatever the knack was; Israel had no idea what the knack was. Israel's mother used to say, 'Krimholz! Knishes! K'nockers!' which roughly translated meant, 'The Krimolzes! They have the brains of dumplings, but they act like they're big shots!' You could go a long way, it seemed, with the brains of a dumpling, all the way to the top, in fact; dumpling brains were no bar to success; certainly the Krimholz children had become variously successful as surgeons, and lawyers, and parents, and marathon runners and champion this-and-thatters, and the Krimholzes' front room was a museum to them and their extraordinary dumpling-brained achievements. There were certificates and photographs everywhere. There was Adam, at his bar mitzvah, on top of a console. And there he was again, with his brothers, at various graduation ceremonies, and on tables small, round and oblong with ornamental feet. And there they all were, the dumpling brains, receiving various trophies on top of the sarcophagus-style TV cabinet. The Krimholzes were the family Forrest Gump of Finchley, though much better looking. There was a definite suggestion of family private medical care and cosmetic dentistry.

'Actually,' said Israel, utterly depressed, 'I wanted to ask you about a van. I'm looking for a-'

'A van?' said Mr Krimholz. 'For the business? You're not buying, no? Leasing, I hope. Leasing is much better, tax-wise. But you know that, of course! I'm not telling you anything you don't know, am I? You're your father's son, am I right?'

Israel nodded.

'Do we know anyone who does vehicle leasing? Sarah? What was it the Goldman boy is doing now?'

'That's a car showroom,' said Mrs Krimholz. 'Not vans.'

'Ah.'

'BMWs, I think,' said Mrs Krimholz. 'Or Bentleys.'

'Premium marque vehicles,' mused Mr Krimholz, nodding his head in approval.

'Yeah, sorry,' said Israel. 'It's not…I'm not looking to buy-'

'Or lease?' said Mr Krimholz. 'Lease, remember.'

'No, I'm not looking to buy or lease a van as such. It's more…We've…lost a van.'

'Lost a van? Oh dear.'

'Yes…You've not seen a van?'

'What sort of a van?'

'It was parked here yesterday. It's a-'

'Did your mother tell you Adam has another baby?' said Mrs Krimholz.

'Really?'

'Yes. With his wife? Rachel? And the two girls already. You remember them?'

'Yes.'

'Rachel's father is Mr Solomons. You know, from Hampstead-'

'Israel was at the wedding, Sarah,' said Mr Krimholz. 'He remembers.'

'Ah, yes, of course,' said Mrs Krimholz.

'He drank so much he passed out in the toilets!' said Mr Krimholz, slapping Israel on the back. 'Do you remember, Israel?'