Rosemary Harris: Dead Head

“I hate kids. I only took that job so I could ogle young girls in short skirts. Then one of them fell off the human pyramid and broke my nose. Kicked out my last few good teeth, too. Dumb broad.”

Oh, brother-that was a tactical error. Overhead we heard footsteps and scuffling. Hopper called out again, but this time I did, too. And louder.

“Springfield police! Open up, Springfield police!” I wasn’t even sure we were still in Springfield, but it had terrified Grant and me when we were in the nursery, so it was worth a try.

“Shut up, bitch!” He screamed at me and slammed me against the counter and his dentures slipped. He yelled again. “Eddie, it’s me!” but it was so garbled, I wasn’t surprised Donnelley didn’t understand and respond.

“Eddie Donnelley, Springfield police! Come out with your hands up! We know you’re in there!” I hit the panic button on my car keys and the car alarm went off, giving a passing imitation of a police siren. Hopper pushed me away from the door to bang on it again with his right elbow. For a few seconds the barrel of the gun was pointed up. I picked up the gray metal box and slammed it in his face. Rocks spilled out of the box. Hopper’s nose was spouting blood, broken again, and he was choking on bits of his smashed dentures. The gun fell out of his hands and I was able to kick it away underneath one of the cars. I climbed into my Jeep, locked the door, and pressed the button to raise the garage door. As I did I saw a crew from Channel Eight news and an oh-so-beautiful Springfield police car.

The Sturgis kids were unharmed and Jason was declared a hero for pushing his sister out of the way when he cracked Edwina on the head with his spare hockey stick.

When the dust finally settled, Edwina Donnelley blamed Coach Kevin Hopper-also known as Kevin Brookfield-for everything. Donnelley had kept quiet for years, thinking Hopper was reinvesting his ill-gotten gains. Hopper didn’t have a clue where the money was, but wisely kept his mouth shut so Eddie would do the same and not incriminate him. Once Eddie got out, they looked for the money together and the chance encounter between Caroline and Jeff Warren at the Paradise Diner led them to Springfield. They after paid Chase McGinley, a stock clerk Hopper had met in Ohio while hawking compression shorts and athletic supporters, to do a little reconnaissance. Always an underachiever, McGinley had heard Caroline had been seen at the diner and assumed the woman he’d been sent to find was Babe. That’s how Kevin Hopper wound up camping out at the Paradise until the Main Street Moms obligingly mentioned their friend Caroline, who was considering buying a nursery.

Donnelley was charged with kidnapping the Sturgis kids and assaulting me in the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. The panty hose were the same ones he was wearing when he went to see Nina Mazzo and hired her to deliver Caroline’s pendant.

Kevin Hopper was charged with attempted murder and was also being questioned in the deaths of Kate Gustafson and Chase McGinley. When the body of Kate Gustafson was exhumed, it was learned that the deceased was actually a part-time waitress named Rosanne Lewis. Gustafson’s body was never found.

Lucy Cavanaugh’s freelance article “I Was a Fugitive” got bumped to the back of the newspaper when a baby whale got stuck in the Long Island Sound. To Babe’s surprise, but not mine, she was consoled by Mike O’Malley. They had their first date last week, but Lucy hasn’t shared details. Yet.

Under the tutelage of Hank Mossdale I have decided to take horseback riding lessons. He is working on my seat. Impressed with my skills as an investigator, Nina Mazzo has offered to sponsor me for my private investigator’s license. I am considering it from a hammock on a beautiful beach in Jost Van Dyke.

And Caroline Sturgis, née Monica Weithorn, was cleared of all charges, past and present. On the day she was exonerated, she got a congratulatory text message simply signed with the letter “K.”