Nury Vittachi - The Feng Shui Detective

‘Don’t worry,’ said the astrologer. ‘Snakes don’t have ears, really. Not like ours. But they do feel rhythms. They rather like them, I think. You know, this gives me an idea. Put the music on, Wong, loud as you can. It might scare the lions, but it will probably have a different effect on the snake.’

Wong pushed the disc into the car audio unit and wound the windows of the car down a few inches.

Joyce leaned forwards. ‘Erm, track three. Press that button with the arrow on and then press number three. That’s a real screamer.’

‘Like this?’ said Wong.

‘Yes. And that’s the vol-let me do it.’ She reached over with some difficulty, since her legs were still in the air, and slid the volume slider to maximum.

Seconds later, the harsh, jangly crash of a power chord from a rock guitar shook the car. This was followed by an unearthly scream which went on for four seconds. There was a thunderous explosion of drums. Then the other musicians jumped into the fray, and the car throbbed and shook with the sound of pounding drums, shrieking voices and fuzzy, wailing guitars.

‘Good, good,’ shouted Wong, as he saw the surprised lions suddenly spring away, moving some 25 or 30 metres from the car. ‘They don’t like it either. Have good taste.’

‘Never mind about that. What’s the snake under my chair doing?’ yelled Joyce, curling her legs tightly to her.

‘I think it likes it. It’s interested,’ shouted Sinha over the sound of the music. ‘Unfortunately it is moving towards you. I think there must be a speaker near you.’

‘Waaaaaaa,’ wailed Joyce as she saw the snake’s head for the first time, appearing in her footwell and sliding upwards.

She had her legs in the air, angled to the centre of the car. The snake slowly rose to the other side, heading towards the thudding bass speaker in the door.

‘It feels the rhythm,’ said Sinha. He suddenly opened his door, stepped out, snapped the radio aerial off the rear car wing, and started waving it in a figure of eight, trying to catch the attention of the snake. ‘Wong, lower the window. And tell me if the lions come back,’ he shouted.

‘You’re all right,’ hollared Joyce. ‘They’re miles away.’

Wong lowered the window on the young woman’s side.

The dancing aerial eventually attracted the snake’s attention. Sinha gradually moved away from Joyce’s window, coaxing the snake to follow. Its head followed the movement of the aerial and then it started to move out of the car through the window. The young woman stopped breathing, frozen in a mixture of joy and terror as the snake’s long body wriggled past her.

Wong was gripped so tightly with horror that he could barely breathe. After a long and strained minute, the snake was partly out of the window. The music continued to shake the car.

‘Wong. Wait till I get its head higher, then shut the window,’ shouted Sinha. ‘It has been years since I even saw a snake charmer. I never imagined I would be doing it myself. Come on, baby. Come on, little serpent. That’s right. A bit more. A bit more. Keep on coming, that’s right. Ha!’

Joyce suddenly stiffened and pointed. The lions had started to move back towards the car.

‘Sinha. Lions are coming. You need to come in the car quickly please,’ said Wong.

‘I understand. Just a second or two more.’

He made pulling motions with the thin metal rod and several more centimetres of the snake flowed out of the window.

The lions were moving faster. Wong knew he couldn’t wait any longer. About half of the snake’s long body was out of the window. He pressed the ‘window up’ button. The glass started to slide upwards, its whirring sound masked by the harsh music. As it touched the snake’s body, the beast tried to withdraw at high speed back into the car.

Joyce screamed, seeing the cobra withdrawing sharply backwards, visualising it heading right into her lap. But the window continued rising, and caught the snake by a curve of its body behind its head. It struggled, but the glass kept rising, and it failed to get its head back through the gap. As its skull was crushed by the rising glass, its mid-section and tail suddenly started flailing backwards, slapping the young woman across her arms. Joyce shrieked again. Sinha jumped back into the car and slammed his door shut just as the lions reached the car in a few huge leaps.

Sinha grabbed Joyce under the arms. With one sharp tug, he pulled her backwards through the gap between the front seats, away from the wriggling snake until she was sprawling in the back of the car.

The lions peered into the car. At the front window, one of the lions started nosing at the head of the snake, from which dark liquid was dripping down the window.

‘Okay now, okay now,’ said Wong. ‘All safe.’

‘You’re all right now,’ said the old astrologer, squeezing Joyce’s shoulders.

‘Sorry,’ she whimpered. The snake’s body continued to writhe from the top of the window, and then gave a shudder and stopped.

‘There’s nothing to be sorry about,’ said Sinha. ‘You’ve been very brave. I think Wong is more petrified than you are.’

‘Jun hai,’ said the geomancer, breathing in short gasps as he turned the car around, nudging the lions out of the way as he had the sheep the previous day. The car lurched over the roadside ruts, and then righted itself, facing back to the entrance. ‘Now we go,’ he yelled. ‘I think we do not wait to collect our fee. I think we have to be satisfied with deposit only.’

‘I agree,’ said the Indian.

The Proton moved back towards the gate, with Tambi’s multi-terrain vehicle following at a distance.

‘A narrow escape,’ said Sinha, still holding the shaken young woman. ‘Now why would he want to do a thing like that? Not very thoughtful. No good for us or him. Surely three more deaths would be the worst possible publicity for his park?’

‘He is not interested in making money from animal park,’ said Wong, turning down the music. ‘He just pretends, I think, so he can take share in this project. He makes lions eat his partners. Solve two problems at once. Gets rid of them. Gives good excuse for not continuing with park. More deaths, even better. He wants to dig up land. Make a mine. Much metal under the ground.’

‘What a bastard.’

Joyce sniffed and started to breathe more steadily.

‘You wanted to see jungle animals closely,’ said Sinha.

‘Yes,’ gasped Joyce, wiping her eyes and trying to smile.

After bumping along in relative silence, the astrologer, who had loosened his fatherly grip on the young woman’s shoulders, looked back. ‘Tambi’s car has stopped. I wonder why?’

‘I’m not sure,’ said Wong. ‘Maybe because I took all the petrol out this morning.’

‘You did what?’

‘I use a bit of hose I found in the garage. Just suck it out.’

‘So you siphoned off his gas. I thought your breath smelt a bit alcoholic this morning. How very interesting. How will he and his cousin get out?’

‘Don’t know. They could walk. But maybe not a good idea. Lions not been fed yet.’

The geomancer slowed down the car as a pink butterfly flew in a drunken zig-zag across the road. Then he put his foot back on the accelerator. He turned to face his young assistant. ‘You know, Joyce? Maybe I start to like your music now.’

Wong turned up the volume and the sound of rock music shook the car as they headed for the gates.

In the third century AD was written the Lieh-tzu. In this book, Yang Chu says: ‘There are four things which do not allow people to have peace.