M Beaton - There Goes The Bride

‘No, the winner of the raffle gets to sit on the Naked Servant’s lap. Nothing more than that.’

The vicar, Alf Bloxby, got to his feet. ‘We’re leaving,’ he said.

Mrs Bloxby didn’t protest. ‘It’s not really my scene, Mrs Raisin.’

‘Nor mine either,’ said Agatha. ‘But I don’t want to drag Toni away.’

‘Oh, you can drag me away any time you like,’ said Toni. ‘Doesn’t Felicity have any young friends? I mean, there’s about five people her age and the rest are wrinklies and they all seem to be leering at the servants. It’s creepy.’

Agatha hesitated. ‘Apart from a few of James’s friends and his sister, the rest of us here are his side of the church, so to speak. If we all get up and walk out, it’ll look rude. Then we should really thank our hosts and we can’t all march up to them together.’

The Bloxbys sat down again. ‘You’re right,’ said Mrs Bloxby. ‘I wish something would happen to end this party.’

Harry and Toni glanced at each other and then Harry said, ‘Toni and I are going out for a bit of fresh air.’

Just after Toni and Harry had left, Agatha found herself suddenly confronted by a furious Felicity. ‘You leave James alone,’ she shouted. ‘I know you’ve been stalking him. You’re obsessed with him. Stay away from him!’

There was a shocked silence. ‘You can’t say that one’s beautiful when she’s angry,’ said Charles. ‘She looked snakelike.’

‘Any ideas?’ asked Toni when they were outside.

‘We could cut the guy ropes.’

‘Might cause accidents if the marquee collapsed and smothered people.’

‘Let’s walk round the tent and see if we can think of something.’

They walked around the back of the marquee. The lawn ended in a small river.

‘Look at that!’ said Toni. ‘Over to the left.’

Harry looked and saw kennels with a fenced-off yard. Behind the fence prowled four Alsatians.

‘If they got out,’ said Toni, ‘I bet they’d head straight for the food.’

‘What if they savage the guests?’

‘I’m sure they’ve been trained to only attack when ordered to. What do you think?’

They walked up to the kennels. ‘They do look hungry,’ said Harry. ‘Mind you, I could just lift this latch on the gate and let it swing open.’

‘There’s a shed nearby,’ said Toni. ‘Let’s make sure there isn’t a kennel man.’

They peered through the open door of the shed. A thickset man lay asleep with an empty bottle of whisky behind him. A pot of boiling water with horsemeat in it stood on the stove. ‘He’s forgotten to feed them,’ said Harry, turning off the gas on the cooker.

‘What on earth are the Bross-Tilkingtons doing with four Alsatians?’

‘They seem to be pretty rich. People get nervous these days.’ Harry took out a handkerchief and lifted the latch. ‘My dad had an Alsatian once. They’re really all right. Stand back! All they’ll want is food.’

The gate swung open. The dogs sniffed. The evening air was full of the smells of food.

The four dogs moved slowly out of the kennels. Then, moving as one dog, they leaped forward.

‘Poor James looks as if he wants to die,’ said Bill Wong as a roll of drums heralded the start of the raffle.

Felicity’s mother, Olivia, walked up to a microphone in front of the band. She was a square-built sort of woman draped in peach silk. Her hair was so white and so rigidly lacquered it looked like a steel helmet.

‘Now, ladies,’ she began. ‘The moment you have all been waiting for.’ Beside her, with cheesy grins on their faces, stood five Naked Servants.

And then the dogs erupted into the tent. One jumped on the buffet table while the others scrabbled to join it, finally pulling down the white tablecloth and sending plates of food flying. Guests were screaming and fleeing from the tent. Felicity’s father was shouting for someone called Jerry.

Outside the tent, the guests were making rapidly for their cars and soon the night air was full of the sound of revving engines.

Agatha found Toni at her elbow. ‘Let’s get out of here,’ said Toni breathlessly.

‘You didn’t, did you?’

‘Don’t ask. Just get in the car,’ said Toni.

‘What I don’t understand,’ said Agatha when she and Toni were lying in their beds later that night, ‘is why James let things get so far?’

‘Maybe because he and Felicity were travelling a lot. He maybe didn’t know just how awful his future in-laws would prove to be,’ said Toni, stifling a yawn. ‘I mean, those Alsatians! You’d think a good burglar alarm system would be enough.’

‘I wish tomorrow were over,’ moaned Agatha. ‘I wish I had a hat to hide under. I might nip out early tomorrow and see if I can buy one. Where’s this church, anyway?’

‘It’s called Saint Botolph’s,’ said Toni sleepily. ‘Right in the centre of the village. We can’t miss it. I saw it when we were driving to the party.’

‘James doesn’t want to get married now,’ said Agatha. ‘He told me.’

‘Then why doesn’t he just do a runner?’ asked Toni.

‘He’s in too deep,’ said Agatha miserably. ‘I could kill that girl.’

Toni awoke next morning. There was a note on her pillow. ‘Gone hat hunting. If I’m late, don’t worry. I’ll take a cab to the church. Agatha.’

Agatha had done a lot for Toni. She had rescued her from a drunken home and had found her a flat and a car. So Toni felt slightly guilty at enjoying being free of Agatha’s often domineering presence for a short time at least.

She washed and changed into a straw-coloured raw-silk suit. Toni glanced at the clock. No sign of Agatha. She didn’t want to be late getting to the church. She had found out last night that there hadn’t been a field set aside for the parking and because she was wearing very high-heeled sandals, she wanted to get as near the church as possible.

At last she decided to leave. She met Bill Wong, who was staying at The Jolly Farmer as well.

‘Where’s Agatha?’ he asked.

‘Gone to buy a hat. She said not to wait for her. She’s taking a cab.’

‘Is she bearing up? I think she’s hating all this.’

‘No, she’s fine.’

‘Had you anything to do with letting those dogs out?’ demanded Bill.

‘Me? No, of course not. You’re not on duty now, Bill.’

‘Those dogs could have savaged someone.’

‘But they didn’t, did they?’

‘No,’ said Bill. ‘Some sort of kennel man appeared and took them off.’

Outside the pub, Toni said hurriedly, ‘I’ve got to dash. I hope Agatha makes it on time.’

It was a warm spring day with only a few fleecy clouds on a pale blue sky. But despite the warmth of the day, the old church was cold and damp inside. Toni joined the Cotswold contingent, answering muttered demands as to where Agatha had got to.

James appeared from the vestry with his best man, an old army friend, Tim Harrant. The vicar took his place. The organ played softly.

‘I’ll go out and see if I can find Agatha,’ whispered Roy, who was wearing a white suit and a white Panama hat.

‘He looks like the man from Del Monte about to say “yes”,’ muttered Harry.

The organ played on. The congregation shifted restlessly. There was a new arrival, but it was only the family’s French friend, Sylvan Dubois.

Suddenly Roy appeared, shouting from the church entrance, ‘She’s coming!’

The organ music died away and the church was suddenly filled with the strains of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’.

Heads twisted round and then turned back in disappointment as only Agatha Raisin walked in, wearing a peculiar sort of toque embellished with pheasant’s feathers.