Jacqueline Winspear - The Mapping of Love and Death

"I wasn't out to meet a boy, really I wasn't, but he was so kind, so charming, and he was alone in Paris-he didn't have family to go back to in Britain, and I only had a short time on leave, so I wasn't going back." She shivered, and gave a weak smile. "We had a lovely time, a really lovely time. We did all these things I'd never done before, and in Paris! We went to a show, we had coffee at these little cafes they have, and we just walked along the streets. And afterward we wrote to each other. But we had to be careful, because we were sending our letters back and forth with the ambulance drivers."

Maisie nodded again. She had done the same thing herself.

"That's why I had to think up another name, so I wasn't caught red-handed and sent home."

"Tennie."

"How do you know?"

"Later. Go on with your story. You saw each other again?"

"Once more. By that time we were in love. But I was very scared. I mean, he was an American. My friend said that he was probably just telling me all these things-about his land in America, his family's home in"-she faltered and shook her head-"Beacon Hill. I've kept his letters. She said he probably just wanted to, you know, have a bit of fun."

She looked at Maisie, who said nothing, but waited for her to continue.

"But I think my friend was wrong. And I don't know why I doubted him, but I started wondering why he told me he loved me, when there were so many girls out there. I began to have second thoughts."

Maisie looked at the woman and imagined how she might have been at twenty years of age, and thought she had probably looked like a ballerina, with her long dark hair drawn back into a bun, her delicate fingers and petite frame.

"And anyway, we had another leave together and…and we became very close. Very close, if you know what I mean. I loved him, really I did. Then we said good-bye, and it was very…it was very difficult, because I never knew if I'd see him again, and before I got back to the unit, I'd panicked. I was frightened. You see, I'd already lost my father and brother at Ypres, both of them at the same time, and I thought, 'What if I lose him too?' I didn't know what I'd do, so I wrote and told him that it was better if we didn't continue to write, didn't keep in touch. I thought that if we happened to see each other at the end of the war, then we'd know. I had the letter in my pocket for days afterward, and then I sent it off."

As the woman began to weep again, Billy pulled a chair across to use as a table, and set down two cups of tea.

"There you go-that'll do you good."

The woman stuttered her thanks, and Maisie smiled at Billy and whispered, "Thank you."

Billy sat down on another chair with a cup of tea in his hands, as Maisie asked another question.

"And you never heard from him again?"

She nodded. "Just one letter."

"Did you hear from anyone else?"

"Not for a couple of years, then I had a letter. It was from a man-I can't remember his name-asking if I knew Michael Clifton. He said he had known him in the army and wanted to find his friends so that his parents could find out about what he did in the war."

"Do you still have the letter?"

She shook her head.

"Did you answer it?"

"No. I didn't see the point. In any case, Michael had told me to be careful of anyone wanting to see me on his behalf."

Maisie inclined her head. "Why did he do that, do you think?"

The woman looked at Maisie and stared into her eyes for what seemed to be a long time, though Maisie held her gaze. Then she stood up, knelt down, and pulled back the threadbare carpet to reveal a small section of loose floorboard.

"I've done this in every place I've lived in since the war. I don't know why-it was just what Michael asked of me. To be careful."

She lifted the board and pulled out a parcel bound with rubbered cloth and string-the same type of cloth that had protected Michael Clifton's letters and journal for years, while buried in the soil of a French battlefield.

"Do you know what's in here?" asked Maisie, taking the parcel.

Peterson shook her head. "No. It wasn't my property. I asked him if I should return his belongings when I sent that last letter, and received just the one letter back. He said he understood my sentiments, that the war had filled us all with fear and bravery both, and you never knew which would claim the best of you-that was what he said. And he asked me to keep the parcel safe, and that he would find me after the war. He said that if he didn't come, it meant he didn't need the things, or he was dead. And if he was dead, it wouldn't matter anyway." She began sobbing again. "And he said that if he found me again after the war, he'd whisk me off and take me to America as his wife. I suppose I never stopped hoping that he'd turn up one day. Stupid of me, really."

Maisie cast her eyes around the aching loneliness of the bed-sitting-room, a cocoon of solitary existence in a building of such rooms where women of a certain age-of her age-tried to fashion their lives to meet a circumstance never imagined in their earlier years.

"May I ask you a couple more questions?" asked Maisie.

"Yes, that's all right."

"Did you have more letters from the person who sent that first inquiry?"

"I might have," replied Peterson, "but I've had to move a few times, what with the rent going up and then losing my job."

"Where do you work now? Are you still a nurse?"

She shook her head. "I just couldn't bear it anymore, after seeing all those boys die. So after the war I went on a commercial course. That's what I do now. I'm in a typing pool, but I've been going to night school for my bookkeeping, and I'm up for promotion."

"And the next you heard was from Mr. Mullen?"

"Yes."

"Did he scare you?"

"No," said Peterson. "Not at first, anyway. He was all nice, friendly. Then he started getting, well, pushy. Kept asking me if Michael Clifton had given me anything for safekeeping. I was scared, so I said no. Then he came round with the advertisement, the one placed by Mr. and Mrs. Clifton. He kept on at me to reply to it, saying there could be money in it, because Michael was not only a rich man, but a rich man's son, and that we could all benefit from it. I didn't want to do it, then I thought they might want to meet me, to know someone who Michael knew, you know, the girl who sent him the letters. I thought about my brother and how my mother and I liked it when one of his pals came to see us after the war. It was only for a chat, but it meant the world to my mother."

"So you wrote to Michael Clifton's parents, and you went with Mullen to the Dorchester-is that right?"

"And we had a row, a nasty row. He started getting even pushier, and I knew I didn't want to see Mr. and Mrs. Clifton with him, I didn't want them to get that sort of impression of me. At first he seemed to be not such a bad sort, but then, when we were outside and that other man came up to us-"

"What man?"

"I don't know his name." She lifted the cup to her lips and sipped the piping hot tea. "He was quite tall, taller than Mr. Mullen, and I think he'd known him before."

"What did he look like-can you tell me anything else about him?"

"I didn't like to look at him, to tell you the truth. He didn't talk to me, but I knew he was Mr. Mullen's boss. He had that sort of look, you know…" Her voice trailed off as she searched for the right word. "Authoritarian. Yes, he looked like someone with a lot of power. I thought he looked as if he had it in him to be a bit cruel." She shrugged. "Mind you, I've never liked those cravat things on a man, makes them look as if they've got nothing to do all day, and that's not very attractive."

Maisie noticed that the woman was still shaking as she set the cup down on its saucer.

Peterson continued. "After he had a word with Mr. Mullen-I was standing to one side-off he went. Mr. Mullen took my elbow to steer me into the hotel, and because I didn't want to see Mr. and Mrs. Clifton, we started rowing again, and he was very angry with me. The doorman ended up telling us to leave, so I went off, but I'm sure Mr. Mullen went back to the hotel. He was dressed up a bit more than usual, so no one would've considered him out of place, and I'm sure the doorman thought I was the troublemaker. Mind you, Mr. Mullen probably knew another way in. He looked quite scared though."