Ada Madison - The Square Root of Murder

“On Google,” Liz Harrison and Pam Noonan, inseparable roommates and chemistry majors, said in unison.

“It’s from a loooong time ago,” Pam added.

“You sound like my son,” Hal laughed.

Most of us had spent many department picnics and holiday parties with Hal’s five-year-old son, Timothy, and Hal’s wife, Gillian, a flight nurse who worked at MAstar, Bruce’s employer. Ben Franklin Hall was nothing if not family friendly.

As usual when two or more were gathered, I’d placed copies of a draft brainteaser around the room. I counted myself very lucky that my students and colleagues enjoyed being beta testers as I, or rather, Margaret Stone, developed new puzzles for my magazine editors.

“Too many layers,” Rachel said of a word puzzle I’d devised. “If I even understand it. First you have to identify a bunch of images, make an appropriate anagram, take the last letters and add one, line up the initial letters”-She threw up her hands-“I’d give up in, like, three minutes.”

I frowned, never one to take criticism easily. “You’re exaggerating,” I said. “And, besides, it’s supposed to be a category five challenge.” Was that me whining?

“I agree with Rachel,” Fran Emerson, my department head said.

“Copy that,” came from Hal and a chorus of students.

More boos came from Robert Michaels, chemistry department chair and Judith Donohue, head of biology.

My public had spoken. I crumpled the sheet in my hand. Back to the drawing board.

The summer faculty crew was small in Franklin Hall, and the department heads’ representation down one. Hal’s physics department chair had arranged to spend six weeks doing research on a particle collider in Switzerland, prompting me to wish that differential equations-my field of mathematics-was more equipment-based. He’d sent greetings to Hal in the morning via Skype but didn’t guarantee he’d be free to electronically attend the party later.

Fran took on the responsibility of making the congratulatory speech to the gathering.

“I’m going to wait until Gil gets here,” Fran told us.

“She’ll be, like, a hundred years late,” Rachel muttered.

Apparently Rachel’s nasty mood hadn’t improved with a night’s sleep.

Gil Bartholomew arrived well within the century mark, toting a large basket of sunflowers, tiger lilies, and the reddest bee balm I’d ever seen. At one time or another, we were all the beneficiaries of Gil’s extraordinary gardening talent. She moved aside platters of sweets and placed the basket on the center of the table.

“That’s better, isn’t it? Sorry I’m late, guys.”

After some talk of bad traffic and worse weather, Fran called us to order.

I was impressed that Fran had dressed up for the occasion-Dean Underwood would have been pleased. Fran was tall enough to pull off the long, flowing outfit: a pale blue silk pantsuit with a matching scarf that would have dragged on the floor if I’d been wearing it. She praised Hal’s excellent teaching record, hard work, and affable personality.

She ended with, “It gives me great pleasure to announce the promotion of Dr. Harold Bartholomew from instructor to assistant professor.” Fran’s voice carried a deep ring of authority, though the official announcement from the dean wouldn’t come until the first faculty meeting in the fall semester.

“Let’s make some noise here,” she said.

I cringed at first, thinking of the dean, but then clapped loudly.

The cheers that followed from about thirty students and faculty members were a tribute to the popularity and the high regard Hal enjoyed.

Rachel came up to me and handed me a fresh bottle of sparkling water. “You’re next for a promotion,” she said.

“Could be,” I said, casting my eyes down in fake modesty.

“I’ll take care of the cake that day. I can see it now. ‘PROFESSOR KNOWLES’ in lavender icing, all caps,” Rachel said.

If I knew birthdays, Rachel knew everyone’s color preferences.

In fact, I’d already allowed myself the fantasy of hearing my own name mentioned in the rolls of faculty promotions this year: Dr. Sophie Knowles from associate professor to full professor , I fantasized. After yesterday’s meeting with Dean Underwood I wondered if the dream would become reality. I might be able to manage to keep the noise level down at Franklin Hall parties, but who knew what else stood in the way of my promotion. I was never any good at academic politics. All I knew was that if I wanted to reach the next level of recognition in my field, I couldn’t spend another year as an associate professor.

“Where’s Keith?” Fran asked me.

I heard, “Who cares?” from someone in a nearby cluster of students. Rachel?

It hadn’t been lost on me that Keith was missing from the festivities. Maybe a higher power (I pictured an exponent in the sky) had heeded my wish, that Keith Appleton be banished from Franklin Hall.

“We haven’t seen him at all today, but his Beemer’s here,” Pam said, gesturing toward the parking lot next to the tennis courts.

“Apep is probably upstairs being antisocial as usual,” Casey Tremel said. She folded her bracelet-laden hands, prayerlike. “Gazing at that new Fellow award on his wall.” Casey had her own problems with Keith. She was a scholarship student, the one with the neon green “Used” sticker on all her texts. She needed a B to keep her standing; a looming D in organic chemistry could derail the funding for her education.

“Maybe he ran out of rude comments about Dr. Bartholomew,” said Liz.

“Who wants him at a party anyway?” Rachel’s voice. No doubt this time.

I pulled Rachel aside, unobtrusively, I hoped. “This is not like you at all, Rachel. You need to dial it back. We’re at a gathering of the Franklin Hall family and that kind of disrespect is not appropriate.”

“Everyone’s insulting him, not just me,” Rachel said, with a slight pout that was unbecoming a teaching assistant.

“These are undergraduates. You’re supposed to be modeling professional behavior, among other things. It’s one thing to complain to me, but I can’t support this lack of self-control.”

I knew I sounded like a scolding parent or a grade school teacher, but I didn’t see another way to get through to Rachel.

Rachel looked contrite. “I’m really sorry, Dr. Knowles. You’re totally right.”

“Did someone say ‘Dr. Bartholomew?’ I like the sound of that,” Gil said, giving her husband a kiss on his cheek.

I was glad she’d found a way to diffuse the awkwardness of Rachel’s incivility, as well as all the other anti-Appleton remarks.

I glanced around the room. Fran had maintained a neutral expression, notwithstanding her beef with Keith over the set of amended bylaws he’d proposed for Distinguished Professor status. Robert and Judith also behaved themselves, as befitted department chairs, though I knew them to have been overpowered and outvoted more than once by Keith. Lucy Bronson, a new instructor hired for one chemistry class this summer, with a full load in the fall, looked from one to the other of us, understandably distressed, apparently unprepared for the invective that disrupted the party atmosphere. She was too new to have been crushed by Apep .

Much to my relief, all the other faculty who were present refrained from joining in on the heckling of the absent chemistry professor, and it soon came to a halt. I was especially conscious of returning to good behavior so Lucy wouldn’t regret her decision to come to Henley College.

I found myself feeling sorry for Keith and forced myself to remember something good about him. I came up with an occasion last winter when he rushed to my rescue with jumper cables to start my car. So what if he chose that moment to point out my inadequacies, and those of all women, as mechanics.