Morag Joss - Half Broken Things

Seeing him to the door, I said, meaning it in a way that I truly don’t understand, that I hoped poor Mr Brookes was all right. The policeman said (and this was unofficial) that if you asked him the poor man had done away with himself, possibly from the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Left the car somewhere in the vicinity, from where it was later nicked, and driven by joyriders, most probably, straight up the M5 and into Wales. A lot of that went on, joyriding over the Severn Bridge, but could you get the Bridge Authorities to co-operate in a clamp down? You could not. And Mr Brookes wouldn’t be the first, it drew suicides like a magnet, that place, and if you asked him they should shut off pedestrian access to the Clifton Bridge, full stop. People were always tipping themselves off it, often at night; he wouldn’t be the first, poor devil- on average it was about ten a year. And it was notorious, the Bristol Channel. The tides could wash a body up and down the estuary for weeks and months before they had finished with it. I do hope you’re wrong, I said. So do I, he said, so do I. They were keeping an open mind. But if that was what had happened, and he wasn’t saying it had, mind, then it would all ‘tie in’.

When the telephone rang it was just after one o’clock in the morning. Jean woke at the sound of it, her heart pounding.

‘Hello?’ She could hear a rushing noise, and piped music. ‘Hello?’

‘It’s me.’ It was Michael, fractured and afraid.

‘Oh, my goodness! Michael! Michael, are you all right? Where are you?’

‘I’m in one of those service stations. I want to come home. Is it all right? Is it all right to come home? Is everything all right?’

‘Yes! Yes, come at once! Come home, come straightaway. Where are you?’

‘In a service area, I’m not sure, on the M6, no, the M5, I’m near Birmingham.’

Jean said, ‘ Oh! Oh, that’s miles, I thought you meant you’d be- Oh, you’ll be hours still. Are you sure you’re all right?’

‘I’ll be back as soon as I can. Don’t stay up, I just wanted to check it was okay- it is okay, is it? There hasn’t been any trouble with- you know, anything?’

‘No! No, everything’s fine. We just want you home. Oh, hurry, won’t you- I mean, no- don’t, don’t hurry, drive safely. Be very careful. Oh, Michael!’

He arrived at three o’clock. Jean had got dressed again and was lying awake listening for the car, and as soon as she heard it she got up. Steph was downstairs before her and was already leading Michael into the kitchen. He was crying with tiredness, and was visibly thinner. They put him in a chair by the Aga. He seemed to have forgotten how to breathe; he sucked in air and held it in the top of his chest and swallowed, as if fearful of letting it go. When he did breathe out, he sank physically as the air left his body and waited, it seemed for long minutes, before gulping in another chestful. It was painful to watch. Jean made tea and fussed, to conceal the fear she felt for him. Had he been eating? He was so thin, he must be starving! Michael shook his head.

‘No appetite,’ he said. His voice was rusty from lack of use. ‘I had no appetite. I was too scared. But now I’m here I am quite hungry. In fact, I really am hungry. I’m starving.’

Jean smiled. ‘Oh well, I can fix that. What would you like? A bacon sandwich? Scrambled eggs?’

Michael looked at her as if he were struggling to understand what she was saying. But the tea was already beginning to calm him. ‘No,’ he said, ‘not bacon. I really couldn’t eat anything salty.’

‘Something sweet, then? What about something sweet?’

‘Maybe. I- I think first I want a bath, if that’s all right.’

Steph went ahead to run the water. When he came down again he looked even more tired. Jean had made a mound of toast and another pot of tea, at which Michael managed a smile, a little like one of his old ones. He sat down. But when he lifted the lid of the pot next to the butter, peered in and smelled the strawberry jam, he had to get up quickly, unbolt the back door and dash outside to be sick.

You read about such things in the papers, don’t you? Head in suitcase, torso in canal, that kind of thing, you think, how on earth has that come about? And you picture some monster getting up to all sorts, enjoying himself, and phrases like pure evil pop into your head. I know better, now. I know that the blackest deeds are not necessarily done by those with the blackest hearts. I know that in the first place we did not want to kill Mr Brookes; we had to. Second, we most certainly did not want to deny him a proper burial. Even less did we want to plant bits of him all over the country. But it was the only way to deal with the situation we found ourselves in, and he was dead anyway after all, it’s not as if we were doing any worse to him than had already happened.

But I fretted and cried after him. I tried to think, if there is a God, He knows all about it already. If He is there and serving any purpose, doesn’t He know everything anyway? So He’ll take care of poor, blameless Mr Brookes’s soul without the need for the coffin and prayers, surely. It would be a little trite of God, I thought, to insist on the coffin and the prayers in the circumstances. I prayed, yes, literally I prayed as if God might still be listening to me, that He would be above all that and see His way to dispensing with the niceties in Mr Brookes’s case. It worried me. Actually, it began to lose meaning, this connection we cling to, between the person lost and the stuff in the coffin. They’re not the same. Let’s be grateful they’re not the same. Let’s not burden ourselves with talk of souls, but let’s just separate the man from the meat; regret the passing of the man, even if only to shield ourselves from the fact that the meat has been jointed, carved, and distributed all over the place. We wish it could have been otherwise.

And if there is no God, well, what then? Then we’re all in it together, we’re all the same, there’s no escaping it. If there’s no God, then no one of us can be closer to him than the next person, so that dispenses with the religious haves and have-nots, and what a relief that is. When it comes to our deeds, I am not without conscience, but I think we all do what we have to, according to who we are and where we find ourselves. We cannot preserve the delusion that we are not mere creatures of clay, or that some of us are at heart any better or any worse than anyone else. Unless you believe in monsters, which on the whole, I do not. The point is, the whole Mr Brookes episode is as horrifying to us as if we had read it in the paper ourselves and shaken our heads in pity and disbelief. We are not monsters.

The night Michael returned he would not go to bed. Steph kissed him so tenderly when she went up, saying that Charlie would be awake and needing her in three hours’ time. I saw the tears start in his eyes when she said that, but he let her go, telling her he could not sleep just yet and would be up soon. We sat until the silence that followed Steph’s leaving us was absolute. I was waiting for him to talk, and he knew it. We sat downstairs until dawn. Still he would not go to bed because he did not think he could sleep just yet. And then, as I almost feared he would, he told me all about it.

I shall not, could not give you all of it here. But Michael had gone east and then north, disposing of those thirty-one bags, in thirty-one different places, between here and Scotland. He brought the road atlas and showed me, as much as he could remember. He had tried to work by night when he could, and in the daytime he would park up somewhere to sleep. The car parks of those large supermarkets on the edges of towns were often suitable, if he used one of the spaces furthest from the store entrances. But he never dared stay for more than two or three hours. He was afraid it might attract attention to be in one place too long, so several times a day he would move and find somewhere else, keeping his eyes open all the time for places to bury the bags that he could return to after dark. He used the washrooms in motorway service areas when he could. He wanted, he said, to keep looking slept and clean and shaved, like somebody who might own a Mercedes, not some ragbag. When a person is described as ‘suspicious-looking’, apparently, it usually means they look tired and poor and not very clean. But he couldn’t eat, and he knew he was beginning to look half-starved and haunted.