Morag Joss - Half Broken Things

Sally’s voice as she spoke had been getting louder to drown out bad-tempered wailing from another room. Practically shouting now, she said, ‘Well, global bollocks . But it’s amazing the number of other people that think I should have gone. His dad, for instance, he comes out with all the “for better for worse” stuff. Oh shit, he’s awake. Well, you might as well meet him.’

Charlie squirmed in a nest of covers on the padded floor of a playpen in the dining room. A carrycot stood on the table in the middle of the room. Sally pulled him out kicking. ‘He settles better in the playpen,’ she said wearily. ‘Dunno why. Doesn’t like the cot.’

Steph looked round. A smell of salt and pepper and old meat still rose from the dark green carpet, but in all other respects Charlie had taken over. Both the mantelpiece and a high, polished sideboard that was too large for the room were littered with baby paraphernalia. A baby changing mat, nappies and a heap of unironed baby clothes filled one end of the table. Dozens of baby books and plastic toys covered the sideboard and the four upright chairs, and a bank of soft toy animals formed a colony against the wall on one side of the cold, green-tiled fireplace. Steph caught sight of a teddy identical to one that had been in Miranda’s nursery, and felt something kick suddenly in her throat. She opened her mouth, but did not speak and managed not to gasp, and then the moment had gone, supplanted by a sense of safety. Because absolutely nothing else in this chaotic house- not Charlie’s bewildering mother with her aloof but embarrassing way of telling her too much, certainly not the streaked and bawling face of Charlie himself- sounded even the thinnest chord of memory, painful or otherwise. Steph simply did not recognise it, this bulging, crammed and messy place that so many things had been spilled into, as if the house were a repository for the thoughts, ideas, plans, all the stuff in Sally’s head. It was a place where myriad fragments and layers that made up her life had substantiated somehow into wave after wave of bits of beached rubbish, which Sally then used, abandoned, dropped, broke, lost or cherished, without explanation, apology or, it seemed, particular concern. Charlie was perhaps just another item in her collection. The very idea that one person’s life could so casually produce such rich and overwhelming disorder was unknown to Steph.

Sally had Charlie on the changing mat and had wrestled him out of his wet nappy. The sight of him insulated Steph further from any link with Miranda. Charlie had a standard pouting, apelike baby face, quite unlike Miranda’s ladylike and slightly worried one. And he never stopped moving. His flailing limbs creased into their own peculiar folds and bends like a badly stuffed toy, while Miranda had now and then waved her spindly arms and legs without conviction, and they had been what Jean called finely made. Steph darted forward and handed Sally a baby wipe from the carton, and deftly took the sodden clump from Sally. ‘Bin under the sink,’ Sally said flatly. When Steph came back Sally was walking round the room jiggling the angry bundle on one shoulder. For the first time since she had arrived Steph saw on Sally’s face not only impatience and distaste, but complete exhaustion.

‘I’m supposed to be going in for a meeting this afternoon. They keep doing it, I’m not due back till next week but oh, will I pop in to discuss this or that. I said okay but I’d have to bring him with me and they said oh really, well, with a bit of luck he’ll be asleep.’ She shifted him onto the other shoulder and blew gently in his ear, to no effect. ‘He probably would go back to sleep if I gave him his bottle now but he fights it and takes ages over it, so if I do that I’ll be incredibly late and that won’t go down very well.’

‘Tell you what, you go,’ Steph said, ‘why don’t you go to your meeting, and leave him with me? I’ll see to the bottle and everything. Just to help you out.’

‘What? Oh, no, I don’t think, I mean I’d like you to take the job, I mean for a trial period, but you’ve only just… I mean you, we- we don’t really know each other, do we?’

Steph smiled and nodded understandingly. ‘Oh, you’re quite right. I know, you haven’t got my references or anything- but look, I’d love to do the job, and you could do with a hand now, couldn’t you? Look, he’s got a wet patch on his bum, he needs a dry suit. Shall I take him a minute while you get a clean one, only I don’t know where you keep them.’ She held up her arms and Sally, a little taken aback, allowed Charlie to be taken from her. She rummaged in the pile of clothes while Steph rocked Charlie from side to side. In a lower voice, she said, ‘Tell you what, Sally, suppose I come with you, then I could look after him in the car or take him for a walk or something while you’re at the meeting. If you’re not sure about leaving him here with me, I quite understand.’ Charlie’s yells seemed to subside as she spoke. ‘Don’t I, Charlie?’ she said softly in his ear. ‘You don’t want to be left all alone with a stranger, do you? Do you, little Charlie?’ Charlie grew quiet. Steph smiled beatifically. ‘Hello, poppet. I’m Steph, all right? Aren’t you a lovely little man, aren’t you a good baby?’ she told him softly, rocking him with gentle confidence.

Sally straightened up and looked hard at Steph for several moments. ‘I suppose you have got references, haven’t you? Good ones?’

‘Oh yes, only not with me. I was just in the shop, you see. I was just out for a walk. I wasn’t expecting to see the perfect job there on a card in the window. But I just came straight along ’cause I didn’t want to miss the chance. I was scared I’d be too late and somebody else would get it.’

Sally said, ‘And how many years’ experience did you say you’d got?’

‘Oh, it was ten months with my sister’s,’ Steph said, ‘and loads of other little jobs childminding, babysitting and that. Babies and up to age five. But you need to see it all in writing, that’s okay. I understand. If you don’t feel comfortable.’

Sally looked at her watch and studied Steph’s face again. ‘No,’ she said, ‘no, I’ve decided. I can always tell, I’m good at reading people. And if you’re going to do the job I’ll have to leave him anyway, won’t I? I can tell I can trust you, Steph. I can feel it. And it’s very, very good of you to offer.’

Steph smiled up at Sally. ‘He’s a lovely baby,’ she breathed. ‘Now are you sure? Because I mean I could come with you, in the car.’

But the whole idea was suddenly cumbersome and silly. Sally shook her head. ‘No- decision’s made. As long as you’re sure…’

‘Go on, you go. We’ll be fine. I’ll give him his bottle.’

For the first time Sally gave a genuine smile. ‘Really? Oh God, you wouldn’t, would you? It’s all made up, just needs microwaving. I’ll be back in about an hour and a half,’ she said, with sudden energy, ‘if that’s not too late for you? I mean, you are taking the job? I didn’t expect… oh, brilliant !’

‘You go,’ Steph said serenely. ‘And you and I, young man, we’re going to get on just fine, aren’t we, while Mummy’s at her meeting?’

‘He’ll fight it. He hates the bottle, I’m warning you, you have to insist. It’s in the fridge. Twelve seconds on six,’ Sally said, on her way through the door. ‘And you mustn’t… do you know how a…’

‘And leave it for about another minute and give it a good shake, and test it on the back of my hand. I know,’ Steph said, more to Charlie than to Sally. ‘Don’t I, Charlie? I know.’

When the front door had closed behind Sally, Steph waited for a moment with the feeding bottle in her hand, then unscrewed the top and tipped the plastic-smelling formula milk down the sink. In the sitting room she removed a cat basket with a pair of sunglasses in it and a tilting stack of magazines from the sofa. Then she settled back with her feet up and placed Charlie on her stomach. Opening up her shirt, she lay back and gazed up at the cracked ceiling. Tears ran down her face as he gorged. She could feel the fingertips of his greedy little hand closing and unclosing over the skin of her breast, while his gums pulled milk from her bursting nipple almost faster than he could swallow it.