Claire McNab - Kookaburra Gambit

Chantelle laughed. "Honey, you have so much moxie it's running out your ears."

I wasn't altogether sure this was quite what I wanted to hear, but that's what you get when you fish for compliments.

Aunt Millie, Chantelle, and I ended up at Heavenly Hamburger Steakhouse just off Sunset Boulevard. My aunt's choice-she said she wanted a genuine American hamburger, not any of that McDonald's rubbish. When Chantelle foolishly pointed out McDonald's was an American company, Aunt Millie said McDonald's was multinational, and everybody knew what that meant.

I kicked Chantelle under the table before she could ask what it was everybody knew. Years of conversations with Aunt Millie had taught me to be circumspect.

"How was Universal Studios?" I inquired, changing the subject. Another conversational skill Aunt Millie had taught me over the years.

"Interesting enough, although I can't see how anyone can be frightened by the rides. All that screaming and carrying on.

Quite uncalled for. And, of course, like Disneyland, the place is totally spoilt by kids running around everywhere, completely unsupervised. Pathetic how parents today refuse to discipline their offspring. A couple of times I was forced to show them how it's done."

"I bet that went down well," remarked Chantelle.

Aunt Millie fixed her with a gimlet look. "I don't do things to be popular, young woman. I do things to be right."

At that point our waiter came by to ask if everything was to our satisfaction. Poor choice of words. He was plainly unprepared for Aunt Millie's answer. The chef appeared, accompanied by the manager. Other patrons watched in fascination as my aunt pointed out shortcomings she'd detected in the service and the food. She was kind enough to add a remark or two about the restaurant's furnishings as well.

I glanced at Chantelle. She was past being astonished. Now she was trying vainly not to giggle.

When the restaurant staff had done their best to make amends, and we were left alone, Chantelle brought up the subject of Claudene's, the new lesbian bar that had just opened.

"You're suggesting I visit a lesbian bar?" asked Aunt Millie.

"It's just an idea," I said. "You'd probably hate it."

Aunt Millie beamed at Chantelle. "Excellent idea, young woman. You're a creative thinker."

"Aunt Millie," I said, "are you sure? You must be tired after your day at Universal Studios. And there's jet lag too."

"Rubbish. I've got more energy than the two of you put together."

So it was that we three came to Claudene's. It was still reasonably early in the evening, and I found a parking spot not too far away. As we walked toward the bar, I tossed up whether to warn my aunt she might see things not commonly in plain view in Wollegudgerie. But what the hell-if she was going to be shocked, so be it.

The bar wasn't yet as crowded as I was sure it would be later on, so, even though the lights were fairly dim, it was possible to see the decor. Claudene's was all black and chrome, with artful touches of dark red along the edge of the bar and on the barstool seats. The black and chrome was repeated in the tables and chairs that ringed the small dance floor, where a few couples were slowly rotating to soft, romantic music. I reckoned the hard beat would start later, when the place filled up, but for the moment you didn't have to shout to be heard.

"I thought you said it was a lesbian bar," said Aunt Millie accusingly. "I see several men over there."

"They're women," said Chantelle.

My aunt peered harder. "They look like men to me." Before I could stop her, she'd set off to investigate.

"I like your aunt," said Chantelle, watching her progress across the room. "She's feisty."

Feisty wasn't a word we use in Australia, but I'd got the meaning down, I thought. "You mean she's sort of pushy and high-spirited."

Chantelle gave me a grin. "I was thinking more along the lines of aggressive like a pit bull."

Aunt Millie was engaged in spirited conversation on the other side of the room. There was much hand waving, and then my aunt returned to us. "You're right. They're women." She glared across the room at one butch lesbian who, hands on hips, glared right back.

My heart sank, as it often did when I was with my aunt. "What did you say to her?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"That butch lesbian seems upset with you."

Ignoring this, Aunt Millie asked plaintively, "What has someone got to do to get a drink around here?"

"Aunt, you don't drink."

"I'm drinking tonight."

"Don't look now," said Chantelle, "but she's coming over."

I covered my eyes. "My Aunt Millie's going end up in a fight in a lesbian bar. Now I really can't go home again."

The butch woman had nearly reached us. She was older than I'd thought, and her short, dark hair was streaked with gray. She wore mostly black leather, plus a chain or two for embellishment, and had one of those strong, striking faces that are hard to forget.

"My aunt didn't mean-"

Her eyes on Aunt Millie, she said to me, "Excuse me. I'm not talking to you." She had a hoarse, too-many-cigarettes voice.

Chantelle, bless her, was poised to intervene, when the woman said to Aunt Millie, "May I have the pleasure of this dance?"

The evening went off well. Chantelle enjoyed herself, Aunt Millie certainly did, and I was fine, until I had an encounter that convinced me Aunt Millie's philosophy (if something bad can happen, it will) had something to it.

I was chatting with Chantelle at the bar while Aunt Millie was dancing up a storm on the floor, when something made me look toward the door. I clutched Chantelle's arm. "Leaping lizards! That's Tami Eckholdt!"

"Who?"

"She mustn't see me."

"Too late," said Chantelle. "She's making a beeline for you. Just who is this woman?"

Tami was bubbling with delight. "Kylie! I didn't expect to see you here!" Her brief gold lame shorts and strapless black top displayed her muscular body to advantage. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet. Drugs? Alcohol? Or, dreadful thought, enthusiasm for my conquest? Yerks!

Tami's expression hardened as she took in Chantelle, who, bless her, was leaning against me with a possessive hand on my shoulder. "And this is…?"

"My girlfriend, Chantelle," I said, with a strong emphasis on girlfriend. "Alf knows," I added hastily. "He understands."

"Alf?" said Chantelle.

"I'll explain later," I said.

Alarmingly, a speculative smile had appeared on Tami's face. "I wouldn't have pegged him for a three-way kind of guy, but hey! Why not?"

As Tami was short, I was able to look hopefully over her head. "Surely you're not alone tonight, Tami?"

"I've come alone, but I don't intend to leave alone," said Tami, raising goose bumps on my skin as she stroked my arm.

"Hands off," said Chantelle.

Tami bounced on her toes, sizing up Chantelle. I had a horrifying vision of Tami seizing Chantelle and tossing her over the bar. The mirror would break, bottles would shatter, all in slow motion, in the appropriate movie fashion. It was my duty to shield Chantelle with my body. Surely Tami wouldn't throw me over the bar. That would be no way to win my love. Love! I shuddered.

"Later, sweetheart," Tami said, I'm not sure to which one of us. "I'll see you later."

"Where did she come from?" Chantelle asked, watching Tami swagger toward a knot of women at the other end of the bar. "She looks familiar. Is she in the industry?"

"Lamb White."

"Lamb White! She's a lesbian!"

"In the closet. Deep."

Chantelle nodded slowly. "I guess."

I was praying Tami would hook up with someone much more promising than me and wouldn't notice as Chantelle, Aunt Millie, and I slipped away. Fat chance.