Claire McNab - Kookaburra Gambit

“ I wrote the screenplay," announced Brother Owen with a proud smile. "The movie will also be called The Radiance of Brother Owen."

"Good tie-in," said Marty-O. "And you could have copies of your autobiography for sale at every cinema."

"Excellent idea. Tami, jot that thought down."

"If you wrote the screenplay, why didn't you write your autobiography too?" I wanted to know.

"If only I could have, my dear." He shook his head regretfully. "Every moment to me is so valuable. The screenplay I dashed off in a week or so, but books have so many more words, and I have so little time. A ghostwriter was imperative. Of course, I'll be overseeing every word, every phrase."

"Mate, this is all very interesting," said Alf, "but what about the Oz Mob?"

Brother Owen held up a third finger. "The Oz Mob movie is the third prong in my spiritual assault on the material world."

"We're well along with the Oz Mob screenplay, Brother Owen," said Tami, eager to please. "Our meeting today was particularly productive."

He waved a dismissive hand. "It'll have to be completely rewritten, and the title changed too."

"Rewritten?" said Tami faintly.

"Totally."

"But the concept's the same?"

"Haven't you been listening? The concept's entirely different."

"What's the new title?" demanded Alf.

"The Oz Mob in Eden."

"Evocative title," said Marty-O. "I see a tie-in with picture books. Pop-up ones, with the apple tree and serpent."

"Tami, jot that down."

"I don't get it," said Chicka, sounding really pissed-off.

"Visualize this!" Brother Owen commanded. "Picture the eager faces of children, as, accompanied by their loving parents, they flock to the cinemas. There they sit in the darkness, their enchanted eyes fixed on the images of those wonderfully cute Oz Mob creatures. Consider the impressionable young brains ready to be subtly imprinted with ways of thinking that will gently lead them, inevitably, to the Church of Possibilities."

Alf and Chicka looked each other, then at Brother Owen. "Look here," snapped Chicka, clearly very upset. "Five minutes ago Alf and I had a movie, and we had a script-even though it'd been buggered about with something awful. Now you're saying what? It's going to be something else altogether? We've got a signed contract, remember."

With a silky smile, Brother Owen said, "And I would advise you to read the fine print of that contract. You'll find you've given Lamb White the future movie rights to the animal characters. I want to work with you boys, but if you force my hand…"

"Standard practice," said Marty-O quickly. "Good for the Hartnidges. Good for Lamb White."

Obviously unhappy, Alf said, "So what's this new film about?"

"It will be a timeless story of a man named Adam and his God," Brother Owen enthused, "set in an Aussie Garden of Eden populated by adorable little animals."

"What happened to Eve?" I asked.

Brother Owen gave me a tolerant smile. "My dear young woman, being a foreigner, I can't expect you to be familiar with our philosophy. Let me be very clear. No child's eyes will ever see a naked man and woman together on the screen in a Lamb White movie."

"And then," I said to Ariana and Bob Verritt, "Brother Owen assured Alf and Chicka this was just the beginning. After the Garden of Eden, the Oz Mob characters would be starring in a series of biblical movies. There'd be Oz Mob and the Ten Commandments, Moses and the Oz Mob, Oz Mob and Sodom and Gomorrah, and-"

"Wait a minute," said Bob. "I thought Lamb White didn't show the naughty bits. Sodom and Gomorrah is loaded with sex. Deviant sex, at that."

I grinned. "Made that last one up," I said. "No one even mentioned Sodom and Gomorrah."

"And how did Alf and Chicka take all this?" Ariana asked.

"Not well at first, but Marty-O painted a rosy picture, telling them the movie budgets would be bigger, the special effects enhanced, the sales of Oz Mob toys astronomical. They were wavering. The turning point came when he said, 'Trust me, I'm your agent.'"

"And they trusted him?" said Bob. "Marty O. Ziema?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Jeez," said Bob.

There was a moment's silence while we all contemplated Alf and Chicka's trusting natures.

"While I'm thinking about it," I said, "Tami criticized Kelvin Kookaburra because he didn't have moxie. What's moxie?"

"Pluck, courage," said Ariana.

"Guts?"

"Guts."

Then I told them about the invitation to the Church of Possibilities charity gala for cancer-stricken kids.

"I'll see you there," said Ariana.

Crikey, and I wasn't aiming to go. "You will? How come?"

"I'm Nanette Poynter's guest. Her husband has no idea I'm a private investigator. I'll be passed off as a dear friend of Nanette's who has just returned to Los Angeles."

"Actually, Ariana, I wasn't planning on attending."

"No?"

"It's because of Aunt Millie."

"Oh, hey, I'll look after her for you," said Bob. "You go ahead and enjoy yourself."

"The fact is," I said, "when Brother Owen heard my Aunt Millie was in town, he invited her to the gala too. I'm not that keen on taking my aunt to something like that. She'll find a zillion things to criticize."

"Simple solution," said Bob. "Don't tell her anything about it. She won't miss what she doesn't know."

"I can't do that," I said. "She's been given an official invite. I have to pass it on."

"So what if she accepts? Then you're in trouble."

"I'll try persuading her it's not her cup of tea." I couldn't stop a sigh. "If Aunt Millie senses I don't want her to do something, she'll do it-she's very contrary."

Ariana grinned. "Another thing that runs in the family."

"Anything else to report?" Bob asked.

"Brother Owen said he had something important to tell me, but he never got around to telling me what it was."

"I'd watch out for those holy types," said Bob. "He'll suck you into his phony church."

"There's nothing else, except the sexual harassment." That got their attention. I described Tami's interest in unarmed combat, and how she'd played kneezies with me under the table. All this amused Bob exceedingly.

"You think it's funny to have a pint-size, mega-fit, metallic-haired sheila make a blatant play for you?" I said heatedly. "Because if you do, Bob, you're dead wrong. It's downright alarming."

"I'd back you any day against the Eckholdt woman," said Bob, still grinning. "Think how much information you could get from her. You could string her along, be a regular Mata Hari."

"Mata Hari came to no good," I pointed out. "She was executed by a French firing squad."

"You know the damnedest things," said Bob.

"If it gets too difficult," said Ariana, "have Alf Hartnidge tell Tami Eckholdt he's broken up with you, and won't be seeing you anymore."

"But then I don't have an in at Lamb White. I suppose it's worth the danger…I hope."

Fran was packing up for the day when I found her. She'd been on the reception desk most of the afternoon, because, in a gesture I'd never have credited her with, she'd offered to take the broken-hearted Melodie's place so Melodie could go home early.

"You really are terrific, Fran," I said. "It was sweet of you to fill in for Melodie."

She eyed me distrustfully. "You want something?"

"I don't want anything. Well, maybe, yes."

"Ah-ha! I knew it!" Fran was always pleased to have her worst suspicions confirmed.

"Just a little information. I ran into Quip at Lamb White this afternoon. I was surprised to see him."

"Didn't Chicka Hartnidge tell you?"

"Chicka had something to do with Quip being there?"

"I may have mentioned to Melodie that Quip would love to work on the Oz Mob screenplay. And Melodie may have mentioned this to Chicka. And Chicka may have mentioned Quip's name to Tami Eckholdt."