Claire McNab - The Dingo Dilemma

"Small for his age, but watch out for him," she said darkly. "The little creep's got wandering hands."

I looked over at Dustin with an entirely different mindset. "The fact remains, Earl," he was saying in a superior tone, "the puerile words in your script do not in any way convey the Timmy that Dustin Jaeger knows."

"You don't know him, you little prick. If anyone does, I do. I created him."

They glowered at each other. The woman in the pink smock said to me in heartfelt tones, "It's going to be a looong day."

After an exhausting morning, we broke for lunch. I joined the stream of people heading for the Bellina Studios commissary. Outside the entrance I was astonished to see Upton and Unity in the company of a youngish bloke with a smooth tan and an intense, brooding expression.

I introduced myself to him, then said hello to the poodles, who today were wearing polished brass collars. They seemed moderately pleased to see me, although in Upton's case I noticed he cast an anxious look around, possibly checking to make sure Julia Roberts was nowhere in the vicinity.

"Pauline's inside?" I said.

"With Ursula Jaeger."

He spoke as though I should know who this was. I made an educated guess and said, "Some relative of Dustin's?"

His brooding expression vanished as he broke into a peal of laughter. "Some relative of Dustin's. That's rich!"

"Let me in on the secret. Who is she?"

"You really don't know? His dear old mom. Ursula Jaeger's the stage mother to end all stage mothers. She's a legend in this town. Uber Ursula, they call her."

Inside, the commissary was in two levels. The top one, reached by carpeted stairs, appeared to be for studio executives and other VIPs, the lower level for everyone else. I figured I was lower-level material, so I was surprised when I heard an unfamiliar voice bellowing, "Kylie Kendall! Come and join us," from the top of the stairs.

The invitation had come from a substantial sheila wearing a bright pink-and-white outfit with many flounces, ribbons, and bows, so she looked rather like a garishly wrapped parcel. Next to her at the table sat Pauline Feeney, her anorexic body clad in an iridescent green jumpsuit with a brass choker to match Upton and Unity's collars.

Pauline introduced me to Ursula Jaeger. "G'day, Ms. Jaeger," I said.

"Ursula, please! Every bloody Tom, Dick, and Harry knows me as Ursula."

She had a coarse, confident face, frizzy brown hair, and an Aussie accent, overlaid with a Yank twang. Her son Dustin's voice was much more mid-Pacific, the product of a voice coach, I was betting.

Paula said in her soft, sweet tones, "Ursula was good enough to call out to catch your attention, Kylie. I, myself, can't raise my voice. It's a physical impossibility."

"That could be bloody inconvenient," Ursula observed. "What happens if you're being attacked, raped? Are you saying you won't be able to scream?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Helluva thing! So what do you do? Whisper for help?"

"I do this." Pauline whipped out a whistle on a chain that had been concealed under her jumpsuit and blew it hard. There was no discernible sound, but frantic barking came from outside. "Beyond the range of human hearing," Pauline said. "I do hope Jason can control Upton and Unity. He's a sweet boy, but is unaccustomed to poodles."

"Give me a bull mastiff any day," declared Ursula. "Or an Irish wolfhound. Intimidation is the name of the game. Poodles are effete. They don't intimidate."

Clearly this got up Pauline's nose, but she managed a grimaced smile. "I think you'll find standard poodles are more than a match for any guard dog, Ursula. Loyal, intelligent, athletic…"

"Girly dogs," said Ursula dismissively.

Seeing trouble brewing-under Pauline's dead white makeup I detected a flush of rage-I rapidly changed the subject. "Ursula, will Dustin be joining us for lunch?"

"If he had his way, he'd love to, but I put my foot down. He's putting on weight, getting soft. I said, 'No bloody lunch until you shape up. Personal trainer for you, my boy.'"

She eyed me. "You could do with the services of a personal trainer, yourself."

This was a bit much, as Ursula was scarcely sylph-like. "Thanks for the advice," I said, "but I'm quite happy the way I am."

"Bloody hell, are you? You're not going to hit the big time with that attitude. The entertainment industry is ruthless, you know."

"Well, actually-" I began, but Ursula was gazing past me, a pleased smile on her face.

"There's Roddy, head of Bellina Studios. He'll never forgive me if I don't drop over and have a word with him." She got to her feet and waved enthusiastically. "Yoo-hoo!"

From the expression on his face, Roddy was not looking forward to their meeting anywhere near as much as Ursula was.

"Ursula's a monster," said Pauline as we watched her trundling towards her hapless victim, "but she has her uses. We struck a deal. She gets me in to see Earl Garfield, and in return I guarantee that Dustin's invited to every A-list party Glowing Bodies coordinates for the next two months."

"But won't Garfield simply refuse to see you?"

Pauline shook her head emphatically. Her hair could have been black lacquer, as not one strand of it moved. "He can't and he won't. The ratings for Darken Come Home are dropping and the vultures are circling. Variety is openly questioning if Garfield still has the magic touch. When the trades run stories like that it means the guy's in real trouble."

"If that's so, doesn't he lose his value as far as wrangling is concerned?"

"Not at all. Everyone likes to see a giant fall, and the harder, the better." Pauline smiled with malice as she added, "Except his ex-wives, of course. They have no interest in Earl Garfield failing."

Frankly, I couldn't see how any normal person could bring herself to marry a bloke like him. "How many wives has he had?"

"His fourth's in the process of divorcing him. The rumor is she has a generous prenuptial. Such a pity that after all that suffering, she won't get much of a pay day. She could get lucky-Garfield's resurrected dying shows before, and the best thing Darleen has going for it is Dustin Jaeger's popularity."

She laughed at my expression. "Sure, in person he's a self-serving little swine with an outsize ego, but in the American heartland, he's Timmy, the son they always wanted. That's why Garfield isn't going to stand up to Ursula. Oh, he'll huff and he'll puff, but in the end he'll roll over."

"Roll over enough to be wrangled?" I asked, thinking what an obnoxious guest he'd make at any function.

Pauline beamed at me confidently. "You can take it to the bank."

"Does it matter that the bloke's likely to insult everyone he meets?"

"Honey, he can drop his pants and moon the celebrities, for all I care. Getting Earl Garfield to actually appear has long been regarded in my business as an impossibility. I'll be a legend in this town!"

I saw that Ursula Jaeger was heading back in our direction, on the way stopping at every second table to meet and greet. Conscious that I might not get another opportunity to ask Pauline about Lonnie, I said casually, "Lonnie was telling me he was at the Moonlight Reconnaissance launch on Saturday night."

"It was a stellar occasion," Pauline enthused. "You have to understand, male fragrances are a challenge. You have to bring in the heavyweights to give the product masculine legitimacy. Athletes like Oscar, Barry, Kobe are essential, plus a smattering of older, established stars like Jack, Warren, and Tom. And trendsetters, of course-Nick, Simon, and Justin."

"Lonnie said he had a bonzer time."

She smiled indulgently. "It's a universe he's never experienced before." She waved to a waiter. "Over here! We haven't got all day."