Tania Carver - The Surrogate

Phil heard the claws of the grab opening and the metal start to rain down in earnest. Clayton suddenly seemed to decide that the office was his best bet, and ran towards it. Fast. There was another squeal of gears: Brotherton was trying to swing the grab round, chase Clayton with the arm. The DS ran even harder.

Phil turned to Sophie, grabbed her by the shoulders. ‘What’s he doing?’

Sophie just stared, slack-jawed.

‘Can’t you get out there? Stop him?’

No response. Phil turned back to the window. Clayton was nearly at the office. He made it to the door, tried to open it. It was locked. It must have slammed shut behind Phil and Sophie.

Phil ran over to it, ready to open it. But he didn’t reach it.

‘No! Get away!’

Sophie was on his back, clawing at him, trying to pull him away from the door. She was surprisingly strong. Through the office window, Clayton saw what was happening, knew he wouldn’t be able to get inside in time. Instead he turned and started running in the opposite direction.

Once he had gone, Sophie relaxed her grip. Phil turned to her. ‘You’re in trouble now, missy.’

Sophie just responded with a brief, vicious smile.

Phil turned back to the window. Clayton was running towards the storage area. It had huge doors on the front, big enough to admit several articulated lorries at one time. Luckily all the doors were open. Clayton ran inside, diving the last few metres. Phil was sure he must have hit the concrete hard.

He looked at a door at the back of the office. ‘Does this lead to the storage area?’

Sophie nodded.

Phil ran towards it, pulled it open, ran through. The storage area was a massive corrugated metal and poured concrete shed. Clayton was lying on the floor, nursing his shoulder.

As Phil appeared, the scrap crashed to the ground outside. Amplified by the corrugated metal walls of the storage area, it sounded like a Stockhausen symphony played by a band of drunken maniacs. Phil screwed his eyes tight, as if that would somehow stop the sound clashing inside his skull. Clayton took a deep breath, let it go. Sat up.

‘You okay?’ Phil shouted to compensate for the ringing in his ears.

Clayton nodded, then winced. ‘My shoulder…’ He flexed his arm, clenched his fingers into fist. Nodded. ‘Least it’s not broken.’

Phil crossed to him, helped him to his feet. They stepped out into the yard again, crunching twisted metal underfoot. Phil looked up at the cab of the grab. Brotherton was slumped forward, his head in his hands, the reality of his angry actions having sunk in. Phil couldn’t be sure, but it looked like the big man was crying. At least he’d be no trouble for a while.

‘What d’you reckon, boss?’ said Clayton, still rubbing his shoulder. ‘Attempted murder?’

‘Reckon so,’ said Phil.

Going to be one of those days, he thought.

Hester stood before the mirror. Naked. She hated look ing at herself, couldn’t bear the sight of her body, but sometimes she just had to. It was a compulsion, a need, and she had no choice but to obey it.

Her body was her diary. It catalogued who she had been, who she was, who she would be. Every scar, every cut, every modification. Every change just one more signpost on the road map of her life. It told her story, and although there were parts she hated to face, she still felt the urge to view them over again. She had to remind herself who she had been to fully appreciate who she was.

The mirror was upstairs, in front of the newly repaired plastic sheeting wall. It was cold, the heat from the Calor Gas heater and the wood-burning stove not reaching this far. She tried not to shiver as she ran her hands over her head and body.

Her hair had started to thin shortly after she first became a woman. When she was recovering from her night with the knife. She tried to grow it long at first, brush over the places where it was thinning, but eventually that got too much. So she shaved the lot off and wore a wig. Long and black, thick and matted. Sometimes, if she was at home by herself, she didn’t bother with it, just kept her bald head uncovered. But she didn’t do that for too long because it began to confuse her and make her depressed. If she was a woman, she should have hair. That was all there was to it. So she wore the wig. It was old and tatty, but she restyled it regularly, brushing the knots out and trying to cover the bare patches. Usually she managed, but sometimes she couldn’t and had to wear her outdoor scarf indoors just to keep it in place.

Her hands left her head, came down the sides of her face. She kept it shaved, as smooth as possible. That was the way her husband liked it. And there was no excuse. There was no shortage of blades in the house.

Then over her shoulders and down her chest to her breasts. She knew she was touching her nipples because she could see herself doing it in the mirror, but she couldn’t feel it. She pushed harder, stuck her nails into the flesh until it went white. But she still felt nothing. That dark feeling came over her again. She knew it would once her hands were on her tits. It always did.

It reminded her of the night with the knife and what happened afterwards. She had taken the blade to herself when she could no longer bear his words. His voice. That taunting, raging voice. Their father’s voice. Telling Hester what he was, what he wasn’t. Hitting him. Hurting him. And then turning to Hester’s sister. Smiling. Because she was the special one. He made no secret of that. He did special things with her, from when she was tiny. Hester hated him for it. He hated what the man did to his sister. But even worse, he hated the fact that he didn’t do it to him. Because Hester wasn’t special the way she was. And never would be.

His sister hated her father so much she tried to leave and didn’t care how she did it. She got away. But Hester stayed. Then it all changed. She couldn’t remember exactly what happened. Every time she thought back, it got hazier and hazier. Like she had wiped it out of her mind. But she knew some things. Her father disappeared. And then her husband appeared. And they became so close that she began to hear him in her head. His voice in her head all the time. Like he wasn’t just next to her, he was inside her, part of her. She liked that. That was what love was supposed to be.

She remembered something else too. Something he had said when he first appeared and saw her naked: If you want to be a woman I’ll make you a fuckin’ woman . And he did.

Hester was taken to see people who knew what to do with bodies, how to make them different. They had done things to themselves and proudly displayed their work to her. Bodies shaved, tattooed, branded. Pieces, sometimes important ones, missing and parts stuck on. Metal lizard spikes implanted in their arms or steel balls under their skin. Tongues cut and forked like snakes.

They took her out, introduced her to others. Took her to clubs where she watched people on stage having their mouths and eyelids sewn up, getting cut and stitched, being whipped, suspended over the audience by hooks through their skin and bleeding on the watchers below. People hurting themselves for other people’s amusement. For the first time in Hester’s life, surrounded by freaks and outsiders, the mutilated and the modified, she felt like she belonged.

But it wasn’t to last. What she needed doing was relatively easy. Her own handiwork was cleaned up and she was given breasts. It wasn’t a very good operation, happening as it did in the back room of a specialist club in east London, but it worked. She was asked if she wanted a vagina instead of the scarred gash she had created, but her husband decided that wasn’t necessary. One hole was enough for him, he said.