Tarquin Hall - The Case of the Man Who Died Laughing

They had agreed to keep up the pretense of going shopping together.

“Where are we going now?” asked Rumpi.

“Like I said earlier, na, some intelligence is required.”

“And where do you plan to find it, Mummy-ji?”

“When it comes to finding out what all well-to-do Dilli ladies are up to, there is only one place to go.”

They both smiled and said in unison: “Arti’s Beauty Parlor.”

A French cosmetics company had set up a swish new salon called Chez Nous (known locally as ‘Shahnoos’) across from Arti’s in Khan Market. It offered the latest ‘cleansing systems’ from Paris and a free glass of chilled white wine for every new customer. The photographs of pouting Gallic models with flawless skin in the windows extolled the benefits of laser hair removal.

By contrast, Arti’s Beauty Parlor was outdated and dingy. The walls were covered in florid pink wallpaper and posters of models sporting the kind of big hairstyles that had gone out of style in the 1980 s. The booking system was still done in a thick ledger with pencil-smudged pages rather than a flash Apple Mac. The beauticians wore uniforms that made them look like hospital orderlies. And the sweeper boy charged with keeping the floors clean did so on his hands and knees, weaving through an obstacle course of legs and shoes with a grimy wet cloth.

For the slim young things who arrived at Khan Market in their chauffeur-driven sedans with Louis Vuitton handbags dangling from the crooks of their arms, the choice between the two rivals was obvious.

The French establishment attracted lots of young male customers as well. They were to be spotted through the windows undergoing the latest skin-lightening techniques at the hands of academy-trained therapists dressed in black. “Because beauty really is only skin deep,” read the slogan on the backs of their T-shirts.

Chez Nous’s contrived trendiness did not appeal to Arti’s middle-aged customers, but other factors guaranteed their loyalty as well. Her prices were cheaper and she offered natural Indian products and traditional techniques like henna treatment for the hair. Nationalism had played its part, a prejudice actively exploited by Arti, who was positively xenophobic about the French – “That George W. Bush had a point, no?” And there was no beating the general intimacy, in which banter and tittle-tattle thrived.

Mummy and Rumpi arrived to find the salon’s reclining swivel chairs all occupied. Mrs. De Souza’s daughter was getting married that week and was being fussed over by a coterie of beauticians giving her the works: waxing, threading, manicure, premarital ubtan body scrub, herbal steam and almond-meal facial. Mrs. De Souza was getting a pedicure and a chin wax. One of the bridesmaids looked as if she had fallen facedown in mud, the whites of her large eyes set off by a darkening sandalwood mask.

Arti, who wore green eye shadow, moved back and forth across the room, giving instructions to her beauticians, fussing over her customers, making the odd bawdy joke and bestowing advice of a personal nature in a loud voice for all to hear.

“You really must go for a bra fitting!” she admonished one woman. “I’ll give the number of the girl. That thing you’re wearing is two sizes too big. Makes you look all saggy.”

To the bride-to-be she said: “How you got so much of acne? You’ve been eating chocolate? Or perhaps it’s all those hormones, hmmm? Must be thinking of your wedding night!”

When she spotted Mummy and Rumpi waiting in reception, Arti exclaimed in a thrilled voice: “I heard about the robbery! What a thing to happen! Arora Madam was here this morning and told me all about it. Her pooch is in a coma! Poor thing doesn’t respond to its name. Who do you think did it? Probably some of those Purvanchali types. The authorities should send them packing back to their villages!”

Her attention was drawn away by a mini-crisis in the salon. A customer’s wax was too hot and she had let out a yelp as it had been applied to one of her arms.

Rumpi was escorted into a private treatment room by her regular beautician, Uma.

Uma, who had been working at the parlor for some fifteen years, always told Puri Madam about her problems – the drunkard husband, the roof that let in the rain, the in-laws who demanded money, the abysmal standard of teaching at her three children’s schools. Her job paid just enough to feed and clothe herself and her family. When the price of cooking gas and vegetables rose, she quickly felt the pinch.

In recent months, though, things had begun looking up and Uma was wearing a smile on her face.

Today was no exception.

“I take it your shares are doing well?” said Rumpi in Hindi as she changed into a clean but worn sleeveless smock.

“Bharti Airtel is up twenty rupees on last week!” she replied.

For weeks now, Rumpi had been hearing about the beautician’s success playing the stock market. Initially, Uma had invested half her savings, roughly 10,000 rupees, in a company called InfoSoft. Only a week or so later, the company had been bought by an American firm and her shares had trebled in value. The beautician had cashed in her 20,000-rupee profit and used it to buy shares in an Indian gas company named – appropriately enough – India Gas. Less than a month later, it was awarded a contract by the Delhi government to lay domestic pipelines throughout the city. Within hours, Uma’s shares were worth 35 percent more than she had paid for them.

Rumpi suspected that the beautician was getting tips from one of her clients. But Uma claimed to have made her canny investment decisions based on what the experts were saying on the TV business channels.

“So, any more good tips for me?” asked Rumpi, genuinely interested, given Uma’s success.

“Yesterday, madam, I bought two-thousand-worth shares in Dr. Reddy’s Laboratories. It’s a very strong company. But whatever you do, don’t buy any shares in InfoSoft!”

“Why?”

“You didn’t see on the news what happened, madam? Two weeks back, the shares plunged seventy percent.”

“How much did you lose?” asked Rumpi, suddenly concerned.

In the past, she had cautioned Uma to bank her profit in a savings account.

“A few thousand, madam. But I’m still ahead. I took your advice and put fifteen thousand in the bank.”

The beautician emptied a tin full of sticky honey-colored sugaring wax into a small electric warmer.

“So you heard about the robbery?” asked Rumpi, knowing full well that it would have been the main topic of conversation in the beauty parlor since yesterday afternoon.

“Mrs. Devi was here earlier and told me all about it,” said Uma breathlessly. “It must have been frightening!”

“Yes, it was. The head dacoit had a gun. He was very threatening.”

“I hear they arrested the servants – and some physical trainer called Babbi from a local gym? The police think he masterminded the robbery.”

Rumpi scoffed.

“You don’t think it was him, madam?”

“Well, I suppose it’s possible,” she answered, remembering that Mummy had warned her not to tell any of the beauticians about her suspicions. “Perhaps the police know something we don’t.”

Rumpi sighed. “I just hope they get the cash back,” she said. “Not all of us are made of money. Not like Mrs. Azmat. Her husband is a dentist from what I understand. His practice must be flourishing. Recently he took her on a luxury cruise of the Great Lakes. I saw the photographs. It must have cost a packet.”

“Great Lakes, madam?”

“In Canada.”

“Oh yes, that’s where my cousin lives,” said Uma as she spread wax on Rumpi’s left leg. “She says it’s a very friendly place. Lots of Indians.”