Tony Black - Long Time Dead

He smiled. ‘It was probably just the wind. It’s a draughty old hall.’

Couldn’t believe I was hearing this, said, ‘Are you serious?’

The smile remained. ‘I’m deadly serious… there’s no way he was murdered, Mr Dury – we found a suicide note.’

First Ben dies, put down as a gasper; then Calder’s a suicide. Aye, right. I didn’t button up the back.

I said, ‘The note was typed, I suppose.’

‘On Calder’s computer.’ Henderson blinked – first sign I had that he was human. ‘There’s no disputing it’s his.’

There was no way I was buying this, arked up, ‘If you think I’m stupid enough to believe-’

He raised a gloved hand, smirked. ‘Mr Dury, I’m sure you’re not stupid enough to challenge the official version of events.’

I eyeballed him, making sure he got my meaning. ‘What you mean is… surely I’m not stupid enough to challenge you .’

He remained calm, quiet; kept that firm gaze of his on me. That earlier blink now seemed like a momentary lapse of concentration. He was back in character.

I turned, headed out of the car park. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it might pack in at any moment. I was deeper into this caper than I’d imagined; wondered if it was going to be the end of me. If filth – right at the top of the ladder – were taking an interest, it couldn’t be good… but this turn was the worst yet. Felt as if I’d waded deep into shit creek.

On the street I turned, stared back into the dead of night. Henderson was gone, the spot on the tarmac where he’d stood now bathed in blue light flashing from a stream of exiting police cars.

I PROPPED MYSELF IN A Southside bar. Felt so wasted by lack of sleep and mental exhaustion I couldn’t even guess at the name of the drinker. Had a vague recollection of writing a story on a shooting in there some time ago… Writing stories, holding down a job, was all the dim and distant past. I’d been burning my bridges for so long there was no way back for me with so many people. Call it the drink, depression, self-pity, whatever. I’d screwed over so many folk I was in danger of having no one left. Now another man had died; holy Christ, what was happening here?

Debs had said it. She’d made the prediction long ago that I’d end up alone and bitter, cursing the world, blaming everyone and everything for my mistakes. Roaring and ranting. Not even choosing my targets any more. Blasting. Just blasting. She’d seen the future, and it wasn’t bright. Thing is, that was a long time ago. Funny how the past catches up with you.

Called over the barman – squat beer gut with a shaved head and a star tattooed on his neck – said, ‘Pint. Chaser.’

Got a nod. All it took. Places like this, the chat’s minimum, if uttered at all. Another couple of scoops and Beer Gut would be over with a nod at the pumps and we’d be away. There’s a comfort in this kind of interaction, if you can even call it that; people will say these types of joints are for the lonely. They’re wrong. They’re for the seriously fucked off. The beyond lonely. People who are lonely crave company; people who hole up in spit-and-sawdust drinkers are after the opposite. Knew I was. I was looking for complete anonymity. If I could excoriate my skin like a snake I would, shed the lot, all identity with it. The past. The mistakes. The lost dreams. The heartache. The loss… Christ, I’d shed the lot.

The drinks came. Tanked them. Couldn’t even look at the barman. He took the hint, said, ‘Same again?’

I nodded at my empty pint glass.

My mind was all over the place. I knew where it should be: on the case. Each time I thought about it, the tweed Hod had bought me itched; I could feel those business cards weighing heavily in my breast pocket. But the straight road had long been a stranger to me. There was a place in my head, a cold spot… the kind that people refer to when they say that bloke has something dark in his locker. I did indeed. Could pinpoint it. Was the size of a football pitch, bigger maybe. Did I feel sorry for myself? Did I ever.

My mind went back, further back beyond the recent hurts…

I’m to be married; Debs is happy. For the first time in an age I see her start to thaw, smile again. It has been so long. She… we… have been through so much.

‘Look at the way it sparkles.’ She holds up the diamond in the engagement ring to the window. The rare blasts of Scottish sunlight – scarcer than hen’s teeth, as my mam always says – alight on the diamond, the rays dissemble, spread and fill out. It’s beautiful. It says happiness.

‘God, it does… You wouldn’t think something so small could shine like that.’

Debs smiles. ‘It’s beautiful.’

My throat tightens. I feel welled up with emotion. I want more than anything to make her happy. I put my arms around her and hold tight. We have a chance, I can sense it. The bad times are behind us now; this is a fresh start.

We collapse onto the bed, giggling.

For a long while we just lie there, looking at the diamond and smiling. I’m overwhelmed that something so simple can create so much happiness. Debs’s eyes hardly blink; she’s blissed out.

‘I’ll never take it off,’ she says.

‘Oh, no?’

Her face hardens. ‘No… never. The day I take it off, it’s over!’

I know she doesn’t mean it, it’s just one of those things people in love say to each other, the kind of words they use to try to communicate the incommunicable. We both know there are no words for how we feel. It’s written in the sky…

I sit up, lean in and kiss her.

Debs sits up beside me. ‘Time for me to go. Got to get back to work.’

She smiles as I stand up, puts out her hand for me to raise her from the bed. I take her fingers, grip them and lean back to help her up. I’ve done this a million times before but something has forced me to make too dramatic a gesture this time, I heave her too suddenly. Her hand loosens within mine, seeming to shrink. She falls back onto the bed. I try to grip her fingers but they slip through my own.

As Debs lands on the bed, I feel my hand go into a fist. A small hard object is in my palm, I turn over my hand, open my fingers.

‘Oh, Gus…’ Debs’s mouth widens. She touches her cheeks. The diamond engagement ring has came off in my grasp. I hold all our fallen hopes in my hand.

‘I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to, it just…’

Debs’s lip trembles, she starts to cry. ‘Oh, Gus… Oh, Gus…’ It’s all she can say. She pulls herself from the bed, runs to the bathroom and locks the door behind her.

I look down at the small, shining rock.

I don’t know what to do.

I walk to the bathroom door; I can hear Debs’s sobs inside.

My heart flutters. There’s an emptiness in the pit of my stomach that seems to be rising up into my chest, into my jaw, my head. I feel bereft.

I want to talk, to say something to her. But there’re no words. Nothing can repair this. Just like there are no words to say how we truly feel, there are no words to explain this kind of message. My fist tightens around the little ring. I want to throw it into the bright sky… but I can’t. I walk over to the dresser, place the ring in the little mauve box from the jeweller, close the lid.

My shoulders and spine tense as I pass the bathroom door, leave for the stairs, and head back to the office. I can sense the heavy hand of predestination on me as I walk along the road. I want to know what the future holds… but at the same time, I really don’t.

‘You fucking sack of shit, Dury…’ I was drawn back into reality by the gravel tones of a shortarse pug. He was squat, but brick shithouse, jaw like a snowplough jutting in my face. My eyesight was a bit hazy after the good bucket I’d taken but I could smell Bovril on his breath, wondered who drinks that outside the footy? As my vision started to focus I saw the answer: Danny Gemmill. He had both hands on the bar, some of Elizabeth Duke’s finest sovies on show. I suddenly felt a spark of life return. ‘That’s some manners your mother gave you, Gemmill.’