Christine Feehan - Dark Celebration 17

He moved in her, hard, sure strokes, filling her emptiness until she felt as if she were soaring free. His hair slid over her skin, a sensuous silk brushing her already hypersensitive breasts. Her body tightened, muscles clenching and gripping as her hips rose to meet the fast rhythm of his. She moved slightly, adjusting her position, and his hands gripped her hard, holding her down.

At once she was aware of her surroundings, of the man on top of her. Syndil looked up at the face, almost savage in his desire, red flames flickering in the depths of his black eyes. She could see his teeth, already lengthened, the muscles clearly defined in his arms.

Syndil tried desperately to hold onto the passion that seemed to always be locked away inside her. It poured out on occasion, but somewhere, somehow, just when she thought she had conquered her fears, a door slammed shut and dammed up her needs, her physical desires, behind a wall of terror. She fought it, fought the rising panic and the memory of teeth biting at her, of brutal hands hurting her, of something obscene and unnatural ripping through her, taking her virginity without love or thought for her innocence. He had been family, a loved one, yet he had attacked her, nearly tearing out her throat, beating her, raping her in every way possible. She had fought until the bones in her hands were broken and her flesh was saturated with blood and she thought he would kill her.

This wasn't Savon, her attacker, this was Barack, the man she loved above all others, yet she couldn't separate the two when Barack covered her body with his and held her down. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't hear him trying to soothe her. She could only feel the weight of him crushing her, feel the grip of his hands, see the glow of red flames in his eyes.

«Stop.» She whispered the word, tears beginning to form in her eyes. Her throat swelled, threatening to choke her. «Stop. Oh, God, Barack, you have to stop.» Her voice swung toward hysteria as her control shattered, her mind seemed to fragment and she couldn't distinguish past from present. She began to fight him, hitting hard, clawing at his face, pushing at his chest.

She drew blood before he caught her wrists, shaking her head back and forth to avoid his mouth when he bent close. He whispered something to her, but she couldn't hear him, caught up in the deadly illusion she couldn't seem to escape.

Barack groaned and rolled off her, to lie faceup in the snow, staring at the flakes as they fell from the sky. He slung one arm across his eyes to hide his expression, shielding his mind so she couldn't see the anguish and frustration filling him. He wanted to roar with rage to the heavens, but he stayed silent, struggling to bring his body under control. He heard her choke back a sob, and turned his head toward her.

Tear sparkled like diamonds in her eyes, trailed down her face to drop into the snow-covered ground. «I'm sorry, Barack. I'm sorry. What's wrong with me?» She covered her face with her hands and wept as if her heart were breaking.

«Syndil, there's nothing wrong with you.» Barack came up on his knees and reached for her, keeping his movements slow and gentle. «Come here to me, baby, let me hold you.»

She could see the scratches on his face and chest, down one forearm, even a long thin scratch on his hip. Tiny drops of blood beaded up, crisscrossing his skin so that he looked as if he'd been attacked by a cat.

«What have I done?» Ashamed, she tried to struggle, to break his grip on her arm. «I have to go away. We can't keep doing this. Let me go, Barack. I'll go back to leopard form and stay in the earth until this passes.»

«I don't want to hear that. You aren't leaving me. You have a duty to your lifemate, and it isn't sex. You stay aboveground, with me, in your natural form, do you hear me, Syndil? I expect nothing less of you.» This time he didn't hide the Carpathian male. He made it a command, and bared his white teeth to emphasize he meant business.

«Why? Why would you even want me? I can't keep doing this to you and live with myself. How long is your patience going to last? How long before you turn to another woman for the things I can't give you?»

«Another woman?» he echoed, so shocked at the suggestion it showed on his face. «Syndil, you aren't making sense. There is no other woman for me. What aren't you giving me? I make love to you all the time.»

«You make love to me. I should be loving you back.»

«You do love me back.» He raked a hand through his dark hair, clearly agitated. «So you have a small problem with one position. One. Do you think it matters to me?»

She didn't respond, simply shook her head, covering her face tightly with both hands. Tears leaked out and her shoulders heaved as she fought for breath through the sobs.

«Syndil, I love you. You're my life. We have years, centuries to get this right. You matter to me, not sex.» He gave her a little shake. «Look at me, Syndil. If you never can let me lie over the top of you, so be it. Why is it so important to you? You don't see that image in my mind. It doesn't matter to me what position we make love in, not now, nor will it ever. Damn it, look at me.»

He caught her hands and pulled them from her face, staring into her eyes. «I love you more than life itself. So we can't make love with me on top. Is that some sort of red badge of courage to force yourself into a position you feel threatened in? Do you honestly, for one moment, think what position we have sex in is important to me?»

«It is to me,» she whispered, ducking her head. «I'm so ashamed I can't love my lifemate the way he deserves. I can heal the earth after the worst of battles, but I can't heal myself. I can't be a decent mate to you. I try so hard, Barack, I really want you. I love the way you make me feel as if I'm the only woman in the world, as if no one else could ever please you, but I can't do it. I can't.»

He swept his arm around her head and dragged her against him. «You're an idiot, Syndil. You love me and that is all that matters. The rest of this is just silliness. I'd make love to you standing on my head if that was how you wanted me.» He caught her chin and forced her head up. «Do you really think I can't look into your mind and see how much you love me?»

«But you have to suppress your own nature all the time, Barack.»

He burst out laughing. «Being a dominant, overbearing male isn't always best, Syndil. Don't you think Darius has to occasionally suppress that side of him for Tempest, and that she might wish he'd do it a little more? And Julian definitely has to work at it for Desari. The same with Dayan and Corinne. It's our nature to be in command, but you are the light to our darkness. Unrelenting dominance has to be balanced by you.»

«But you were never like Darius, Barack. You get bossy, but…» She trailed off, but there was hope in her eyes when she framed his face with her hands.

«Because all of us allow Darius to lead us does not mean we do not have these natural traits. You didn't see them in me before because we did not share minds. Darius is a strong leader. We are content in his leadership.» A small grin flashed briefly on his face. «He does most of the work, and that suits me just fine. But in the end, we all have the traits nature dictated to us. The point, my beautiful love, is that you, as my lifemate, bring me balance.»

«I do?»

He bent his head to press a small kiss over each eyelid. «You do,» he assured her. He trailed kisses down her face to the corner of her mouth. «And I am grateful. Darkness spreads and we have to fight it every day.»

«But it wasn't in you-not like the others,» Syndil said.

«Because of you. Even before I made my claim on you, you were already providing a balance for me. Syndil, you aren't just my lifemate. You're my life, my only love, my world. I have known you since you were a babe, I watched you grow into a remarkable, talented, unbelievable woman. Look at what you do with the earth. Who else can work such a miracle?» He kissed the tip of her nose, feathered his lips over hers and slid his tongue along the seam of her mouth. «I was in love with you long before I ever knew what a lifemate was.»