L. Camp - The Exotic Enchanter

“And you wonder why people don’t like you!” roared Shea. Ras Thavas held up a hand.

“Please let us not continue this bootless argument further. Had we known of the incident in advance, we could doubtless have planned a more generally satisfactory course of action.

“To go to a more agreeable subject, I note that you fired three shots from your alien pistol without reloading. This must be one of those repealing Jasoomian firearms whereof Carter and Paxton have told us. Our Barsoomian smiths have tried to make them, but they always jam. Our smithery is not yet accurate enough. Of course that Earthman who wrote about life on Barsoom said many things that are simply untrue, like the number of legs on some animals, and repeating firearms that shoot a distance of eighty haads .”

Shea took off his jacket. Belphebe walked past him, saying: “I missed one shot; help me to find it. I don’t see anything around here that we could use to make more, such as wetlands with stands of cane or reeds. I’d have done better with that Turkish composite bow, but I was afraid I hadn’t had enough practice with it.”

“Next time we make arrows,” said Shea, “let’s paint the shafts a color that contrasts with that of the moss. It may take zodes to find this one. And then we must cut the others out of the calots you hit, I could use some pistol practice, too.”

She said: “There’s just not enough time to practice all the skills we might find useful, Oh, there’s my shaft, half buried in the moss.”

Ras Thavas said; “You will find plenty of plants of the sort you mentioned in the Great Toonolian Marsh. But count yourselves lucky if the pursuit of Malambroso lead you not thither. Do you mean to cook and eat the dead calots?”

“If you consider them edible, and our little oil stove works.” As Shea puttered with culinary preparations, he asked:

“Tell me something, Doctor. Barsoom, being the fourth planet from its sun, corresponds in a general way to a planet called Mars in my universe. Yet it differs from Mars in a number of striking respects. Mars, in the words of an Earthly friend, lacks enough air to keep an insect alive.

“Now, you call your sun’s third planet Jasoom, and it corresponds more or less to the Earth in my universe. My question is, how much like Earth is Jasoom? Carter and Paxton both thought they were going to our Mars and lauded on Barsoom instead. On our Mars they would have died of anoxia in a matter of minutes. What is the Jasoom of your universe like?”

“I do not know,” said Ras Thavas. “It appears to be inhabited by a species somewhat like yours. Doctor Shea. But our means of communication are not yet perfected enough to enable me to say more.”

Shea flashed a grin at Belphebe. “We must learn not to confuse Jasoom with our own Earth. Any time we get restless, darling we can crank up the old syllogismobile and set it for Jasoom.”

She replied: “You forget, sweetheart, we’re parents now. We can’t any more just dash off on adventures whenever the whim takes us!”

* * *

The trio, trailed by the extra thoats, trotted through the Zodangan suburbs along a road that became smoother and better maintained with each passing haad . Ras Thavas explained:

“The reason the houses all look so new is that they are new. When the city fell to besiegers in the jedship of Than Kosis, the Heliumites and their Thark allies destroyed most of the old city. But thanks to its natural advantages, it has been rebuilt and is now almost as populous as the old Zodanga.”

“What are its natural advantages?” asked Shea, staring about at the monotonous, featureless, pinkish-yellow, moss-covered Barsoomian plain, “It has none that I can see.”

“Why,” said Ras Thavas, “it lies at the crossing of the road from the Heliums to Ptarth and Phundahl, and the road from Zor to Duhor.”

“I see,” said Shea.

“That attack on Zodanga,” said Ras Thavas. “was one more example of the incorrigible stupidity of most of my fellow Barsoomians. Since the last big war, guns had evolved from smoothbores to rifled muskets far more accurate. Yet Tars Tarkas repeatedly led his Tharks in massed mounted frontal attacks on the Zodangan defenses. Naturally they took tremendous losses, whence the Thark nation has not yet recovered.”

“I recall similar events on Earth,” said Shea, “Battles in places called Fredericksburg and Gettysburg.”

Ras Thavas sighed. “You must tell me more about your Earthly history, since your people seem capable of quite as egregious stupidities as ours. Sometimes one wonders whether it be worthwhile to try to do anything for the future of this planet at least, since anything good one accomplishes will soon be undone by the stupidity and shortsighted selfishness of individual Barsoomians.”

“The same can be said of Earth,” said Shea. “And if the dominant species on Jasoom is similar, I daresay it could be said of that world also.”

* * *

They came to the main wall of the city, where their badges, identifying them as subjects of Jed Mors Kajak of Lesser Helium, got them past the gate guards without questioning.

“That was easier than I expected,” said Shea.

“We are fortunate that Lord Carter be not off on one of his lunes, such as trying to abolish assassination,” said Ras Thavas. “If he were, you can be sure that Ur Jan, the elected Jed and head of the local assassins, would subject every Heliumite to minute examination ere admitting him, if he let him in at all. Inside, he would be followed night and day by the Jed’s police agents. Vad Varo thinks that Barsoom needs a system of passports like that of his native world. Belike it does, but that would make travel even more difficult than it now is.”

“How long does Ur Jan’s term of office run?”

“According to the newfangled consutution, it should have ended some time ago. But Ur Jan pronounced the constitution null and void and declared himself supreme and absolute ruler. Since his followers had the power, no other Zodangans dared to object.”

“Sounds like one of our more backward Earthly nations,” said Shea. “Time for another charm lesson, I meet you in the morning and say ‘Good morning. How do you do?’ Then what do you say?”

Ras Thavas grumbled: “I say ‘Good morning,’ too, even though it be plainly a terrible morning. As for ‘How do you do?’ I am sure that you would not wish a detailed account of all my symptoms — the toothache, the constipation, the sore toe joint, and so on, So what say I?”

“You say: ‘Fine, and you?’ ”

“Oh, very well. ‘Fine, And you?’ though I no more want to hear a list of his symptoms than he does mine.”

“What next?”

“I forget, Tell me!”

Shea: “ ‘How nice to see you!’ ”

“Rubbish! Hypocrisy! Most of the people whom I meet, I do not find at all nice. Those who do not display obvious faults of intellect or character tend to be insufferable bores.”

“You must say it anyway. Go on, say it!”

Ras Thavas complied, with the expression of one who has unexpectedly bitten into something sour. “What then?”

“How well you are looking!”

“Even if the fellow looks as if he were about to drop dead?”

“One must exercise discretion, If he really looks all in, you say: ‘Can I help you?’ ”

“Oh, Issus! What if I care naught what befalls the wretch?”

“Make the offer anyway. Go on, say it!”

Ras Thavas groaned but complied. A few blocks further on, Shea said:

“That looks like a respectable eatery. What do you think, Doctor?”

“I am no judge of such matters,” said Ras Thavas, “For centuries I have devoted my superior mind to the solution of more recondite scientific problems, paying no more heed to the demands of my animal body than I must to keep the mechanism efficiently functioning.”