Richard Gordon: DOCTOR AT LARGE

'Come in!'

Bingham was in his shirt-sleeves, boiling something in a glass beaker over a spirit-lamp.

'Good God, man!' I exclaimed. 'What the devil are you cooking?'

'What, this? Oh, it's manure, old chap,' he said calmly

'Manure!'

'Yes, old chap. Ordinary horse manure. You see, the Prof.'s very interested in the enzymes present in the manure of different animals. Pure research, you know. I've studied it a bit, and it might easily throw a good bit of light on the old human guts. Interesting, eh?' He blew out the lamp. 'I've collected specimens of all sorts of animal manure,' he continued proudly, picking up a row of small test-tubes. 'This one's dog, that's cat, that's pigeon, and the end one's ferret. I just caught the horse when I saw a carter's van stop outside casualty.'

'And what, may I ask, is all this in aid of, Bingham?'

'If you can keep a secret, old chap. I'll tell you. Fact is, I've put in for the path. job on the Unit. Knowing the Prof.'s interested in this line of research, I had a go at it. I've had one or two interesting ideas which I've put to him already, as a matter of fact.'

'And you think you'll get this job do you?'

'Don't want to boast, old chap,' said Bingham, rubbing his hands, 'but I fancy my chances a bit. It happens that the Prof. of Bacteriology and a few of the consultant surgeons have heard of this research I'm doing off my own bat, and it seems to have impressed them. As for the Prof., he's tickled pink. For some reason he particularly wanted to study the elephant's manure, and was talking about cabling to Africa, when I said, "What's wrong with the Zoo?" I've asked them to send a specimen round to him.' He sat down on his bed, and pulled out his pipe. 'By the way, old chap,' he continued, with a sheepish grin. 'Best man win, and all that?'

'Eh?'

He nudged me. 'Know what I mean, old chap, don't you? Don't worry, I'm as broadminded as the next. About Nan. You were a bit sweet on her yourself, eh? When she went on nights, I mean. You couldn't blind me to it. Still, no hard feelings. Only one of us could be chosen, couldn't he, old chap? I hope the fact that you didn't make any headway doesn't prevent our shaking hands?'

'It certainly doesn't,' I said shaking.

'She tells me you tried to kiss her once,' he added, nudging me again. 'But no ill will, old chap.'

'One of us, Bingham, is a very, very lucky man,' I told him, laying a hand on his shoulder.

'Very decent of you, old chap.'

'Not a bit,' I said. 'Old chap.'

The next twenty-four hours were worrying. Knowing Bingham's ability to worm his way into the estimation of his seniors, I was increasingly despondent about my chances of stealing the pathology job from under his nose. As the morning of Wednesday passed I felt that I was again waiting for the result of an examination, with the recollection of having made one certain boner in the middle of the fourth question.

'It's no good worrying,' Grimsdyke said, as we sat in my room before supper. 'The old boys will gather for the meeting in about an hour's time, and you'll either be in or you won't. And anyone with half an eye can tell that Bingham's a first-class tapeworm.'

'But he's a damn clever tapeworm,' I insisted. 'Look how he bamboozled the Prof. in the first place. Now he's playing mother's little helpmeet over this research business. Oh, blast Bingham!' I said with sudden bad temper. 'He did me out of the first job, and now he'll dish me with this one. I wouldn't mind if he was a decent human being, but of all the nasty, grovelling, slimy-' The telephone began ringing in the room next door. As it continued, I yelled, 'And now I have to answer his bloody phone for him!'

When I came back I was grinning.

'I think I'm going to get that job,' I told Grimsdyke.

'You do? And why?'

'That was the Prof. The Zoo have sent him his specimen of elephant's manure all right. Seven tons of it. They've unloaded it in his front garden.'

I was appointed Resident Pathologist to the Surgical Professional Unit, and at the same meeting Grimsdyke was promoted to Senior Resident Anaesthetist.

'Very gratifying,' he said, as we strolled contentedly into the Residency after the pubs had shut that night. 'Very, very gratifying. Virtue triumphant, vice confounded and all that.'

'I can't believe it,' I said. 'I just can't believe it! It means we've got another whole year to enjoy the hospitality of dear old St Swithin's. We will grow old together, old lad. But I didn't know you were putting in for the anaesthetics job. You never told me.'

'Didn't I?' He screwed in his monocle. 'Must have forgotten to mention it. The fact is-and far be it from a Grimsdyke to express any liking for the toil that earns his daily bread-but I'm getting quite interested in doing dopes. Also-I fancy myself-I'm getting the hang of it right and left. Did you notice that endotracheal tube I passed this morning? Very pretty.'

'You're as bad as Bingham,' I said laughing.

'Ah, Bingham! I might add that, in case my sterling qualities as an anaesthetist were overlooked at tonight's meeting, yesterday I handed that old trout's cheque for ten thousand quid to the senior anaesthetist to buy himself some research. I fancied that might strengthen the old boy's determination if voices were raised against me.'

'You're worse than Bingham!'

I found Bingham in his room, starting to pack. 'Well, old chap,' he said, trying to look pleasant, 'you got the better of me this time, eh?'

'I'm afraid so, Bingham. No ill will, I hope?'

'Oh, no. Not a bit, old chap. We've always been chums, haven't we? Besides, I have something which you can never have.'

Deciding that he was referring to Nurse Macpherson, I said, 'Too true.'

'I think I'll have a go at general practice,' Bingham went on. 'Just for a spell, of course, before I get my Fellowship. Does a chap good.'

'Have you anywhere in mind?'

'Not exactly,' he continued, folding his trousers. 'But there's a jolly smart agency I'm going to tomorrow called Wilson, Willowick, and Wellbeloved. They'll fix me up.'

'Yes, they'll fix you up, all right.'

'There's just one thing,' he continued. He grinned sheepishly. 'Fact is, not getting this job's a blessing in disguise. In G.P. I can afford to get married a bit earlier, and-well, Nan and I will probably be man and wife by the end of next week. It's jolly good, and I'm jolly pleased, of course, but it's a bit of a rush. Hasn't, given me time to arrange anything. Thing is, old chap, where's a good and fairly inexpensive place to spend the-ah, honeymoon? Do you know of anywhere?'

'The Judge's Arms,' I said immediately. 'It's a hotel on the way north. Very romantic.'

'Thanks, old chap. I'll remember that.'

'There's just one thing. I'd make a surprise of it-keep it quiet where you're going until you actually arrive. A chum of mine did, and claims it gives you something to talk about in the painful journey from the reception.'

'By jove, old chap, what a terrif. idea! I'll certainly do that. Well, thanks a lot, old chap.'

'Don't mench, old chap,' I said. My happiness was complete.