Derek Robinson - Damned Good Show

“For their beliefs. You distort those beliefs.”

“If they were alive, they might find I’d improved them.”

“And if you want to write fiction, then change your degree. Read English.”

Champion wrinkled his nose. “They’re all pansies. They all wear mauve socks.”

“So do I, occasionally. Write me an essay on the effects of bigotry on Tudor clothing. You’ll find it quite startling.”

Champion found it damn dull. Skelton amused him: he was too donnish to be true, under thirty yet already developing a scholarly stoop. He wore tweeds as faded and shapeless as a poor watercolor. During tutorials he propped his head on his hand. He had a lank mustache. His glasses were horn-rimmed and heavy. Skelton was practicing to be an old man, thirty years ahead of his time.

Champion thought this a waste of life. He knew what he liked about Cambridge: rowing in the college eight, drinking beer in pubs, and flying Gloster Gamecocks with the University Air Squadron at weekends. Reading history was just a way of enjoying three good years. He got a middling degree, went down, and never came back. There were many like him, all easily forgettable, and Skelton forgot them.

Some years later, Skelton had a short and shattering love affair. He thought of quitting the university, the country, perhaps the world. His load of yearning and contempt and rage was so great that it left him weary and helpless. Not knowing why, he did something absurd: he enlisted in the RAF Volunteer Reserve. With his feeble eyes they’d never let him fly, so it was all pointless. The RAF welcomed him and gave him a uniform. At weekends and at summer camps it trained him to be an Intelligence Officer. He shaved off his mustache, stood up straight, and looked ten years younger. To his surprise, Intelligence was as interesting as history and airmen were more entertaining than dons. Eventually he learned to salute without embarrassment. He even forgot the bloody woman, sometimes for weeks at a time.

When war broke out he was called up at once. He served with a fighter squadron until he got banished to RAF Feck. The signal from Air Ministry that ordered him to proceed to London told him to report to Wing Commander R.G.T. Champion.

He was on the train, doing the Times crossword, when the faded memory of a mediocre undergraduate drifted into his mind. Surely it couldn’t be that R.G.T. Champion? A wing commander? But it was.

Soup was followed by whitebait, with a deliciously crisp white Bordeaux.

“I assume you’re paying for this,” Skelton said. “That bottle alone would take my pay for a week.”

“Lunch is taken care of, old chap. Tell me: what do you know about Bomber Command?”

Skelton looked hard at Champion. “You know I know damn all about Bomber Command. If you wish to tell me something, I suggest you do so without preamble.”

Champion ate some brown bread. “You haven’t changed, have you? I remember how you always crossed out the first paragraph of my essays.”

“With good reason. You were clearing your throat, arranging your thoughts, such as they were. What are your thoughts?”

“I think you’re wasted up at RAF Feck. This is a bomber war, and it’s going to be huge. We’re the only fighting force that’s hitting the enemy where it hurts, which is in his homeland. The army can’t, neither can the navy. Bomber Command is unique. So we need the best brains. We’re developing very big, very powerful aircraft, hell of a bomb-load, colossal range, phenomenal accuracy…”

Champion spoke enthusiastically, while Skelton finished his fish and enjoyed more wine.

“That’s what’s going to settle Jerry’s hash,” Champion said. “We’ve got the winning hand. If you get on the bandwagon now, the sky’s the limit, believe me.”

“Bandwagons don’t fly. Muddled speech reflects muddled thought.”

“Listen: bolt a couple of Rolls-Royce Merlins onto a bandwagon and it’ll fly like a bird. Or a Wellington. Which is now the best bomber operated by any air force anywhere. Ever been inside a Wimpy?” Skelton shook his head. “Now’s your chance,” Champion said. “409 Squadron recently switched from Hampdens to Wellingtons. They need an extra Intelligence Officer. They’re at RAF Coney Garth, in Suffolk. Not far from Cambridge, actually.”

“Why are you persuading me? Why not just post me there, and have done with it?”

They paused while game pie was served and Champion tasted a Côtes du Rhone and gave his approval. “If we drink enough,” he told Skelton, “we might be able to digest the inscrutable contents of this pie… Now then. This is a special job. 409 is a pukka squadron. Their kites are standard Wimpys, they fly the usual pattern of ops. But they have the best bombing record in the Command.”

“Somebody must be top. Maybe 409 are lucky.”

“Forget luck. The figures prove—”

“Oh, figures.” Skelton polished his glasses and squinted at Champion. “The numbers game. Are these the same figures that proved Fighter Command destroyed the Luftwaffe twice over, last year?”

Champion sighed. He put down his knife and fork. Speaking softly, he said: “I have access to intelligence summaries at the very highest level. Allow me to assure you that 409 Squadron are supremely good at their job.”

“Splendid. I’m not supremely good at mine. You wouldn’t want me to lower their standard.”

“We want you to find out how they do it, what makes them different. Pin-point the special qualities of 409 and maybe we can bring all the other squadrons up to their standard.”

“Ah! Now I understand.” Skelton pushed his plate aside. “C-in-C Bomber Command wants to be able to say that all his squadrons are above average.”

Champion smiled happily. “I knew I was right. Your mind works differently. You’ll see things with the clear eye of an outsider, things that everyone else takes for granted.”

Skelton grunted. “And what do I do with these startling insights?”

“Bring them to me when you’re ready.”

Skelton suddenly grew tired of the whole discussion. “Those people over there are eating treacle tart,” he said. “Get me a large portion, with cream, and I’ll go anywhere you like. But I think you’re making a mistake.”

They took coffee in the smoking room. “Why aren’t you flying?” Skelton asked. “You’re still young enough.”

“One prang too many. Some of our pre-war bombers were frankly ropey.” He tapped his head with a teaspoon. “The quacks grounded me.”

“Rotten luck.”

“One door closes, another opens.”

They went into Piccadilly. The sky was a fragile blue. The barrage balloons flying from Hyde Park scarcely moved in the breeze.

“It looks like another blitzy night,” Skelton said. “Will Jerry be back, d’you think?”

“Yes. And no doubt Jerry is asking himself the same question about our chaps. Would you like to know the answer?”

“Please.”

“The answer,” Champion said, “will be thunderous.” He smiled like a vicar announcing the next hymn on Mothering Sunday.

Skull drove into RAF Coney Garth at four p.m., in the middle of a fair-sized flap.

Aircraft were droning around the circuit. Vans and trucks were shuttling from hangars and workshops to Wellingtons parked at the perimeter. The Tannoy was chanting a string of messages. Skull had had an apple for lunch; he was looking forward to tea and toast in the Mess. Obviously that could wait. An airman showed him where the Ops Room was. Two armed Service Policemen guarded it. They admitted Skull only when 409’s Senior Intelligence Officer came to the door and told them to.

He was a Squadron Leader with a shiny head, thick mustache and busy eyes made bigger and busier by powerful spectacles. “Bloody glad to see you,” he said, almost accusingly. “I’ve lost a pilot officer and a Waaf sergeant, one posted, one gone down with flu, so that leaves me and Corporal Hawkins, and Group has changed the target twice since noon. What? Anyway, I’ve got everything sorted out now. Can you take over here? I haven’t eaten since breakfast. What’s your name?”