Kirshenbaum, Mira - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Besides, if you’re not getting respect that delivers, that may be because of energy you’ve withheld from the relationship because of your ambivalence. If your relationship doesn’t turn out to be too bad to stay in, there could end up being changes in it that produce the respect you’re looking for once you recommit to it.

How can you be sure guideline #26 applies to you? When you call Domino’s Pizza, a half an hour later the guy shows up with a box and in the box is a real pizza. He doesn’t show up with an empty box. In the same way, guideline #26 applies when the support and interest your partner delivers is real. It’s not just words. Who wants to be told they’re respected by someone who won’t actually listen to what you have to say or who won’t do anything that means respect, support, and interest to you?

Going back to our image of the possibly polluted reservoir again—water you got from your tap that had real, certifiable, health-enhancing, life-extending properties could make you overlook a lot of imperfections.

STEP #27: RESPECTING YOUR PARTNER

Now for a major shift. I’m still talking about respect, but now I’m going from feeling respected by your partner to the issue of the respect you feel for your partner. Up until now we’ve talked about how it affects you when your partner does or does not respect you. But what does it do to you when you don’t respect your partner? Where do you draw the line?

You remember the discussion we had about why you have to love yourself before you can love your partner and how easy it is for respect to come under attack in relationships. That means, particularly if you’re in an iffy relationship, that the respect you once had or hoped to have for your partner has slipped a bit. When you first met, it was, “He’s so great.” Now it’s, “He is what he is.” Sigh.

We’ve all got to learn to accept our partners for who they are up to a point. But when do you bail out? When does the respect you feel for the person you see sitting across from you fall below the point where your relationship is no longer good enough to stay in?

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve worked with who’ve agonized over that question. I’m talking about people whose partners had trouble earning a living, whose partners had no ambition, whose partners made stupid and disastrous choices, whose partners revealed stubborn depths of blind stupidity, whose partners did all kinds of things that made it hard for them to say, “I respect you,” to their partners and mean it.

When does it make sense to keep on loving someone like this and stick by them? What makes it a mistake to stay?

Good but Not Good for You

Where people need help when it comes to how much respect for their partners is enough is in seeing the difference between who the partner is as a person and who he is for you . Here are two alternatives:

1. Sometimes we respect or even admire people who are not good for us or who can do nothing for us.

2. Sometimes someone who has something to offer us personally that’s real and important to us isn’t someone we otherwise have a lot of respect for.

Which is the sign of a relationship that’s too bad to stay in?

Most people who feel iffy about their relationships, I’ve found, still have some respect for their partners, even though a lot of respect has also been lost. Otherwise they’d have left. But this is respect for their partners as people in their own right. But where relationship ambivalence blurs your vision is in making it hard for you to see whether a partner whom you have some respect for has anything to offer you. In other words, can you respect your partner as a resource for you in your life?

Here’s the question:

Diagnostic question #27. Would you lose anything important in your life if your partner were no longer your partner? Is what you’d lose something that makes you feel good about your partner for being able to provide it?

Of course you’d lose something if your partner weren’t your partner. But is it something you couldn’t do without? Is it something you’d actually miss? And whatever it is you’d lose that you’d miss or that you couldn’t do without, do you feel good about your partner for being able to provide these things?

For example, even in this day and age some women might say that if their partner were out of the picture, they’d miss his ability to open jars and fix toilets and move heavy furniture. But for them to respect their partner he’s not only got to be an important resource but they’ve got to respect him for doing these things. No matter how painfully you’d miss your partner’s ability to open jars, if you don’t feel good about your partner for being able to do that, if his being able to do that doesn’t make him seem like a valuable resource, then that’s not a basis for your respecting him. And if that’s all he had going for him you’d have to answer no to question #27.

Let’s take another example. A lot of men say that if their partner were out of the picture they’d miss her ability to make good things happen, like getting together with friends, or having nice meals. But the question is whether they feel good about their partner for doing these things. If they feel that their partners’ doing these things is nice, yes, but is essentially a waste of time, then they don’t respect their partner as a resource and they’d have to answer no to question #27.

Here’s a positive example. One woman’s husband turned out to be less ambitious and successful than she’d hoped, and that undermined her respect for him as a person. But he had a wonderful, intelligent, comprehensive perspective on things that made her feel he was someone she could bring any problem to and he’d shed light on it. She had to value what this gave her and respect him for having it to give her. Her answer to question #27 was yes.

It doesn’t matter what it is that your partner offers as a resource to you that you respect him for. It can be anything, from being a hard worker to being funny and making you laugh to being unusually patient when things get chaotic. The point is that there’s something not about who he is but who he is for you that matters in your life and that you think deserves respect.

Think about what it means to say no to question #27. It means your partner doesn’t offer you anything real and significant for your life, whoever he is and whatever he does in himself, at least nothing you value him for, nothing that makes him seem special. It means you lose nothing worthwhile by leaving.

Fran’s Story

Let me tell you how this first became clear to me, before I even thought of researching it. I was working with a woman years ago who was struggling to decide whether to stay in her relationship. Fran happened to have two children. She was complaining on and on about all the things that were wrong with her husband in every way, including as a father. I was looking for hope somewhere and I asked her, “Well, do you think Jerry would at least make a good ex -husband?”

Finally Fran was clear. No. The thought of Jerry being in her life once he was out of the house was no comfort to her. The fact is that some people make terrific ex-spouses, especially when it comes to carrying out their responsibilities as parents. Lots of people feel good about their ex-spouses as parents of their children and they rely on them. But for Fran, Jerry was a total loss even as an ex-spouse.

The point was that Fran had no respect for Jerry as someone who might have something to offer her. The paradox is that in some ways Fran respected Jerry a lot. Jerry was a sculptor. He was a fine and dedicated craftsman. His more artistic pieces were in a number of important collections and he made a decent living (for an artist) from his more commercial work. Jerry wasn’t famous, but Fran cared about art and both Jerry’s struggles and his accomplishments impressed her.