Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

Those nerves make me still want to wait.

What if I tell her and my purses don’t sell? What is my next step? I have no backup plan. I have only a little bit more money to spare to create something new. After that, I am up a creek without a paddle.

I push those negative thoughts as far away as I can. No need to worry about it tonight.

When I get home, my mom is in the kitchen preparing dinner. She must have gotten off work early today. “Hi, Mom,” I say as I walk in.

“Hi.” Her reply is short, without a trace of cheerfulness. She is not looking at me, or smiling.

Something is wrong.

I have a bad feeling about this.

I take a deep breath and ask, “How was your day?” Maybe if I pretend everything is all right, it will be.

She lets out a breath. “You know, it was going very well. Then a friend of mine came by around noon to take me out to lunch. Her name is Denise.”

Denise. Where do I know that name? Oh no. The receptionist at the nursing home. I grab hold of the counter to brace myself.

“She and I used to work together,” Mom continues. “It was about ten years ago when I was still working at Sunnyvale. Now she works at River’s Bend. But you already know that, don’t you?” She looks at me for a response.

I press my lips together and nod slowly.

“We got to talking about the good old days and what has been going on in our lives. I started to talk about River’s Bend. I told her I thought it was great that they allowed you and Lyndsay to volunteer over the summer. I mentioned how much you have been enjoying your time there. She asked me what your name was. When I told her, she said you haven't been there. I told her that she had to be mistaken since you haven’t missed a single day.” She taps the spoon on the edge of the pan and I jump. “I decided to call over there because there was no way you haven’t been there all summer. Turns out, I was wrong.”

My whole body stiffens. My throat starts to tighten. My pulse speeds to a dangerously high level.

The secret is out.

It’s over.

“So,” she says curtly as she looks me in the eye, “could you please explain to me why you haven’t been there?”

I swallow the lump in my throat before I speak. “When I went there the first day, I started to panic.”

“Panic? About what?”

“I was…I was having a panic attack. I almost passed out in the hallway. Faith found me before I did and took me to another room. When I thought about what happened, I began to wonder whether maybe it was a sign.”

She narrows her eyes. “What kind of sign?”

I let out a sigh. “A sign that nursing was not the career for me.”

She closes her eyes. A slight flaring of her nostrils sends a chill up my spine. “Adrienne,” she says slowly, “why did you lie to me?”

“I was afraid of how you would react…”

“And you thought lying to me for two months would be a better idea?”

“No…”

“What have you been doing all summer?”

“Trying to figure out what I want to do…”

“Wait a minute,” she says, holding up her hand. “What about college? What did you sign up for?”

I bite my lip. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Her eyes bulge out. “You’re not going to college?” Her voice is nearly reaching the yelling stage.

“No, I’m taking a semester off.”

She sets the spoon on the counter and throws up her arms. “This is just unbelievable. How could you do this to me?”

Upon hearing those words, something snaps in me. Something very unlike me but before I can stop, it comes out. “To you? What about me?” I yell. “I have spent years having nursing shoved down my throat. I never had a single second to think for myself, much less think of anything else. If I had told you I didn’t want to be a nurse, you would have had this same exact reaction back then. I didn’t want to hear it. I have the right to make my own decisions now. I am an adult.”

She stands there with a hand on her hip. She presses her lips into a firm line. “You certainly aren’t acting like one. Deceiving me and not going to college? What about that is adult?”

“Aunt Faith didn’t go to college and she seems to be doing just fine.” As soon as the words come out, I know they're a mistake. It’s too late anyway. It doesn’t matter what I say or do now, my mom won’t care.

The anger flashes over her face. “I should have known. Where else would you learn to do something so irresponsible? I ought to give her a call and tell her I don’t want her bad influence near you.” She walks over to the phone.

“She didn’t cause any of this. I made the choice myself. And you know what? I'd do it again. Why? Because this is what I want. And you can’t change my mind. That’s what bothers you the most, isn’t it?”

“Young lady, I have had enough of this. I can’t even look at you anymore.” She turns away and points toward the stairs. “Go to your room until dinner is ready.”

“I’m not hungry,” I say, even though my stomach is grumbling. I grab my purse and pull out my keys.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Doesn’t matter where. I just can’t be here right now.” I spin around and rush out of the house. I whip out my phone and quickly text Lyndsay to warn her that the cat is out of the bag in case my mom’s next move is to call her or Faith. I start my car and speed down the road. I drive toward her house but realize when I am almost there that she is working. I head over to Chevy’s instead.

As I walk up the sidewalk, I realize the parallel of this moment to when Chevy showed up on my doorstep. It's weird when things work out like this.

He answers the door with a surprised look on his face. “Hey, what's up?”

“My mom found out and it got ugly.”

His eyes widen. “Uh-oh.”

“Yeah.” I bite my lower lip and look down. “I just needed to get away from there. Can I stay here for a bit?”

“Absolutely,” he says, holding the door open for me. “Have you eaten yet?” I shake my head. “Then you're just in time for dinner.”

He leads me through the living room to the kitchen. His mom is pulling a casserole dish out of the oven. When she sets it down on a placemat, she notices me. “Oh, hi.”

“You remember Adrienne, right, Mom?”

Noreen smiles. “Of course I do. It is nice to see you, dear. Are you staying for dinner? I made chicken noodle casserole and green beans.”

Chevy leans over, whispering, “The green beans are excellent, she puts cheese on top.”

I grin. “That sounds delicious,” I tell her.

She smiles again. “Chevy, set a place for Adrienne, would you? And go tell your brother it’s time to eat.”

As Chevy pulls out the dishes, John comes into the room. When he sees me, he freezes, and so do I. Then he smiles. “I see we have a dinner guest.” I smile back.

A few minutes later we are all gathered in the dining room and eating dinner. John’s demeanor is far different from that day at the car shop. He isn't confrontational or gruff. Although his voice has a slight rough manner about it, he is calmer when he speaks. Noreen seems different too. I look back at how she held herself on graduation day and can tell she is more relaxed. Also, it has been awhile since I have seen Chevy so animated. So…happy.

To think that one hour ago I wanted to cry over messing everything up. Now I want to cry because I put something else back together.

Everybody talks about their day, and Seymour asks me what my plans are for the future. I explain my idea of taking a semester off to work in the real world. I am surprised to see none of them flinch in response. I suppose it's due to my upbringing, but now that I think about it, Chevy’s family isn’t necessarily well-to-do. Who is to say I can’t live off a simple job?