Rachel Dyken: Toxic

“That’s romantic.” He chuckled against my hair.

I smacked him, as tears threatened to pour. “I’m trying to apologize.”

“For loving me?” Gabe asked, just before his mouth met my cheek. His eyes roamed over my body then my face. “Why the hell would you apologize for giving me one of the most treasured gifts in your possession?”

“Because…” My lips trembled. “It makes it harder on you.”

“Isn’t that for me to decide?” He tilted his head. “And just so you know, Saylor, you’re mine. That love you feel for me? It gives me strength. Your face is all I see when I close my eyes, Saylor. So please don’t apologize for your love — don’t say you’re sorry… when I’m not…”

I sighed and hugged him.

Gently, he pushed me away, and his hands fell onto the piano.

“Split in two,” he sang, “Loved by one, and then another. Pulled in a direction and then the other. If I could breathe you in, all of you, every day of my life, it wouldn’t be enough. My heart was captive long ago — then you stole it away, you helped me grow. Now I’m staring at my crossroads with a choice to make, wondering how in the world I even thought there was one way to take .”

His hands flew over the piano, muscles tightened in his forearms as he leaned forward and continued singing.

“My biggest fear, is not the ending of this life, but going through it without you by my side.” He repeated the chorus and closed his eyes, humming the haunting melody in such a way that I felt hypnotized.

“Letting her go will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do — but I’m doing it so I can say goodbye to her — and good morning to you. Tell me it’s not too late to ask for a second.” He smirked but continued singing. “Third, fourth, tenth date.” His hands slowed. “Loving you will always be easy because when I look into your eyes I know you see the real me, so be my love, be my rain, be my clouds, be my pain.”

“My biggest fear, is not the ending of this life, but going through it without you by my side.” He stopped playing.

The room fell silent.

“That was beautiful.”

Gabe turned. “It’s your song.”

“My song?” I repeated.

“Saylor’s song.” His smile returned. “I know it’s not very creative, but, it’s yours.”

“No.” I put my hand over his. “It’s ours.”

Gabe’s smile lit up my world as he leaned in and kissed me across the mouth.

“One more left,” I whispered against his lips.

“One more?” He pulled back.

“Tear.” I released a deep sigh “You only have one more to make up for.”

“I thought that’s what all this kissing was for.” He teased.

Laughing, I kissed him harder as his arms wrapped around me. He lifted me into the air and pushed me against the wall, assaulting my lips with such force that I let out a pitiful moan. And then another as his tongue twisted around mine, retreated and then pushed forward again. The guy could kiss. Seriously. Could. Kiss.

My knees weakened as he pressed his hands to my stomach steadying me on my feet.

“Gabe? Saylor?” My mom’s voice echoed down the hall.

I sighed in frustration as Gabe pulled back and bestowed one more kiss on my mouth.

“In here,” he called.

Mom walked into the room, took one look at me, and stumbled a bit. Once she regained her posture, she cleared her throat. “The oxygen mask is helping her breathe during the day, the ventilator at night, but… Gabe, I don’t have a good feeling. Her coloring is very pale, and her face…” Mom sighed. “What I’m trying to say is, she’s transitioning. I can see it. I can feel it. She’s starting to go.”

“Go?” Gabe croaked.

“Gabe.” Mom reached out and grabbed his hand firmly in hers. “Kimmy’s dying, but you need to let her go. Do you understand? People… even in Kimmy’s case, they try to hold on. They hold on and it’s so very painful when they do. The best thing you can do for her is allow her to rest in peace. Give her permission not to be strong.”

Gabe swayed on his feet. “I’ve been saying goodbye for years.”

“Maybe this time…” Mom said wisely. “You should mean it.”

It was like the accident all over again. I felt powerless — until Saylor grabbed my hand and didn’t let go. I used her strength — I used all of it. And for once I didn’t feel guilty for needing someone else. She was my savior. —Gabe H.

Gabe

Saylor held my hand as we walked into the room. It was nearing midnight, so the room was blanketed in black.

The only sound was that of the machine breathing for Princess, and the noises from her chest that would follow.

The ventilator was attached via a tracheotomy so that she could still talk, but Princess had stopped talking two days ago.

Now, she just stared at the ceiling, as if waiting for someone to call her home.

“Princess?” I kept my voice quiet, kneeling in front of her bed. Grabbing her hand, I whispered, “Kimmy, sweetheart?”

Her head turned, just enough so I could see the whites of her eyes. With a smile she nodded. “Tired, Ashton.”

“I know, sweetie,” I croaked. “I know you are.”

“Coughing.” She sighed, her chest rattling. “Hate this.”

“I know.” Was that the only phrase I could speak? I squeezed her hand tighter even though I knew she couldn’t feel it.

Her body was so broken that she couldn’t even feel my reassurance as I held on for dear life. And now her spirit was following that same body into heaven.

“I love you,” my voice cracked as tears trickled down my face. “But sweetheart, sometimes, it’s okay to stop fighting.”

“So tired,” she repeated.

“A nap sounds good, doesn’t it?” I said hoarsely. “Wouldn’t that feel good, sweetheart? To take a nice, long nap?” My voice cracked as Saylor came up behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders.

“Yes…” Princess said slowly. “Ashton, will you sing me to sleep…” Her eyes welled with tears. “One more time?”

“Yeah,” I whispered through my tight throat “I can do that.”

“And Ashton?” she pleaded, her voice so weak I was sick to my stomach.

“What sweetheart?”

“Thanks for being my best friend.” Her voice was so weak, it was hard to discern what she was saying.

I nodded. I couldn’t talk. Whatever words were forming in my mind wouldn’t make sense. They’d come out as a pitiful sob.

Without letting go of her hand, I leaned in and started to sing, while Tara went and slowly started pulling the equipment from Kimmy’s throat and body.

“I love my Princess, my favorite girl. Every time I hear her laugh, I want to save the world — cause she’s my, my, my girl.” My voice cracked and wavered as my mind replayed images of our times together.

Our first movie, her laugh, her smile, the way she kissed me, the love she gave me. The gift of her life was more than I’d ever deserve.

I kept singing. “My girl, my girl, she’ll always be my girl, and when the tears fall from her eyes, I’ll swear to never let her cry… never alone, never without me, never without us together. My girl, her and I will rule forever. My girl. She’ll forever be my girl.”

Princess smiled and closed her eyes.

Her chest stopped moving.

I knew she was gone — and I knew in that moment that God had received another princess into his arms. It happened so swiftly so beautifully that had I not been watching her face, I would have never known that she’d slipped away.

A vision of Kimmy running through Heaven brought a sad smile to my face — she was gone. And she was finally whole.