Jay Crownover - Rome

I had enough pride, and enough bad history, and a healthy dose of fear working inside me, that tracking his stubborn ass down and making him talk to me wasn’t a workable option. I refused to be in yet another relationship where I was the only person invested in the outcome. I figured he knew where I worked and where I lived, so if he wanted to make things right, he knew where to find me. Admittedly I thought he would have come around a lot sooner, but now it looked like the choice was going to be taken out of my hands.

“I know that, Shaw.”

She cleared her throat and shot a look between me and Ayden.

“He isn’t doing so hot right now. I don’t know what happened, he was starting to get back to his old self, starting to fall into some kind of pattern, and then, boom, he’s right back where he was when he came home from Afghanistan. I thought Dale was going to cry when he didn’t show up for brunch last Sunday.”

I brushed hard hands through my short hair and rolled my eyes up to the ceiling.

“I don’t know either. Things were cool, I thought we had a pretty good thing going even though it was pretty brief. Then one night not so much. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

Ayden clicked her tongue at me and waved her finger back and forth in my face. “Stop beating yourself up. Jet and I had a near miss right before we broke up. Sometimes those boys just burn too hot and common sense goes right out the window.”

Shaw nodded. “Yeah, if I wasn’t on the pill since like the dawn of time, Rule and I would’ve been in the same situation. You’re just human, and Rome can be pretty overwhelming.”

All of it was overwhelming.

“Fuck.” That seemed to sum it up nicely.

Ayden laughed and reached down to pull me up to my feet.

“I think that’s what got you into trouble in the first place. Let’s go eat something.”

I groaned but followed her out of the bathroom. “I don’t think I can eat.”

I pulled her to a stop and grabbed her and Shaw both by the arm. “You guys can’t say anything. Rome doesn’t need to hear about this from Rule or Jet. I’ll talk to him when I’m good and ready.”

Ayden just rolled her eyes but Shaw nodded gravely. “I can’t believe Rule is going to be an uncle. Margot and Dale are going to flip.”

Well, crap. That was a whole other headache I hadn’t considered. “My dad is going to kill me.”

They both laughed at me and I went to throw myself on the couch. Even though we had technically only been seeing each other for a few weeks, I really thought there was something bigger working between Rome and me. I felt it in the way the air changed when we were together. He was vital, so much larger than life. I could still see the fracture in those blue eyes, see the things he was trying to work through, but I thought we were doing fine. Now I didn’t know what to think and there wasn’t enough history, enough time to know which way to go with it. On top of it, there was this added complication and my life was one big pile of no-fun at the moment. I never would have let him get to me had I known he was going to have such an easy time walking away. I was too guarded, too careful with my heart, for that.

Shaw came back from the kitchen and put a plate of pasta down in front of me. Ayden brought in a bottle of wine and I glared at her. She just shrugged and plopped down next to me.

“Make a doctor’s appointment in the morning, Cora. This is a big deal, and you need to take care of yourself. I’ll go with you if you want.”

“Don’t worry, Cora, we’re here for you. Whatever you need.” Shaw chimed in right on her heels, and I knew I couldn’t ask for better friends to get me through this initial period of shock that had settled around me.

What I needed was for this kid’s dad not to be such a complicated handful and not be so damn sexy. If he had just been an average guy, one of a million, I could have happily continued on my fruitless quest for Mr. Perfect and never taken the scenic route into forever, life-changing, and gloriously imperfect. Rome never made me feel like I was settling for less than I deserved, he made me feel like having a new dream, where he was the center of it, just made sense.

“I know you guys are. Rome might be a different story. That’s a lot to level at a guy already dealing with a full plate from the emotional baggage buffet.”

Shaw narrowed her eyes at me. “Stop it. He’ll be fine. He needs some help, just like Margot did, but at his core, Rome is rock solid. He hates for anyone to see him weak, hates the idea that he isn’t the one holding the entire world up by himself. If I have to beat it into him, I promise you he will be fine.”

I shook my head and let it flop back on the colorful couch cushions. Rome wasn’t solid, he was unhinged and wild. I think that was what drew me to him so irresistibly in the first place.

“I don’t want to be with a guy who feels like he has to be with me, Shaw. I don’t want to be with anyone that isn’t one hundred thousand percent as into me as I am into them. Not even if I’m pregnant with his kid. I’m not ending up on the other end of what I did with Jimmy ever again.”

She made a face at me. “Rome isn’t Jimmy; he would never betray you like that.”

“No, he’s not. I thought he was better, but I don’t have the option to let him walk out on me every time he’s having a tough time. That doesn’t work for me, especially not now.” And I didn’t want to talk about how bad his sudden desertion made my heart hurt. That kind of pain was unfathomable when it came from something so fragile and new, not to mention it freaked me out that the loss of him felt more potent, more gaping, than walking away from Jimmy ever had.

“He’s worth the fight.”

“Because he’s an Archer?” I didn’t mean to sound so snappy, but Rome and his issues weren’t my top concern anymore. They couldn’t be.

“No, because he’s a great guy that hasn’t had the easiest time of it lately. Don’t you remember telling me how broken, how robotic, Rule was after Remy died? Rome went through all of the same things, Cora, only he had to do it while fighting a war and watching his fellow soldiers die. Maybe he just needs someone that makes him see he deserves a break finally.”

I didn’t want to fight with her about it, because I didn’t entirely disagree with her, but I also was the one left alone and in the dark after he disappeared into the night without a word, and that hurt. Maybe because I didn’t just hurt for me, but because I ached for him as well. The horror shining out of those blue eyes even in the dark and the despair stamped across those handsome features made my chest ache just thinking about it, but I couldn’t force him to let me in. And we couldn’t make anything work between us if he ran from me every time things got rough. I didn’t need him protecting me from him. I was more than capable of doing that all on my own.

“Just give me a couple days to get used to the idea that I’m growing another human being, and then maybe we can talk about what I am or am not going to do with big brother Archer.”

Ayden nodded in agreement and gave Shaw a pointed look.

“That’s a good idea. Now, everybody calm down. Shaw, help me finish this wine. Just because Cora can’t have any doesn’t mean this shouldn’t be a proper girls’ night.” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down and leered at me in an exaggerated expression. “Plus Jet hasn’t been home on a Thursday in forever and I miss sloppy-drunk sex.”

That was enough to startle a laugh out of me and I tried my best to relax a fraction and enjoy the rest of the night with my friends. The future was such a huge, looming unknown and I refused to get sucked into it. I would be okay, whether that meant I forged on ahead alone, or I strong-armed Rome into getting his head out of his ass. I was terrified, but kind of excited behind the wall of fear. It wasn’t something I would have ever planned for myself, not without a firmer grasp on what I was doing, but if anyone could take an unplanned pregnancy and possibility of single parenthood in stride, I guess it would be me. I knew firsthand what it was like to grow up without a mom, without a sense of home and well-planted roots. There was no way any child of mine would ever have to go through that. I would move heaven and earth to make sure of it.