Philippa Carr: Changeling

“It’s right on the other side of the world,” volunteered Lucie.

“You go in a big ship. There are lots of people on it and they have stowaways.”

“What do you know about stowaways?”

“That they stow away. They get on the ship when it’s in port and they hide themselves and when the ship gets out to sea they come out and they can’t be put off.”

“They could and they are … at the next port.”

“Well, the clever ones wouldn’t come out until they got to Australia.”

“They would never be able to hide for so long.”

“Clever ones could.” Her eyes were speculative.

“You’re not thinking of trying it, are you?” I asked.

“It would be a great adventure,” she said, her eyes shining.

“You wouldn’t like it. If they found you they would make you work until they could put you off.”

“I wouldn’t mind working, would you, Lucie?”

“No, I wouldn’t mind.”

“Peeling vegetables, washing up in the galley, swabbing the decks?” I asked.

“I’d swab the decks,” said Belinda. “Lucie could wash up and do the vegetables.”

“You’re talking a lot of nonsense,” I said.

But I was worried about Belinda. She had a way of bringing her fantasies into reality.

Something was happening to Leah. She was very preoccupied with her own thoughts. I spoke to her once or twice and she did not answer. She would start suddenly and realize that I had asked a question and would not have the faintest idea what I had said.

I went up to the nursery while the children were once more in Miss Stringer’s care, for I thought there would be a chance of having a quiet word with her. I found her there, sorting out the clothes. She was holding one of Belinda’s nightdresses in her hands and I saw that she was close to tears.

“Leah,” I said, “something’s wrong. Why don’t you tell me? I might just be able to help.”

She paused, biting her lips … holding back her tears.

I said on impulse: “Is it because Mr. Marner is going?”

She stared at me and I saw that I had stumbled on the truth.

“My poor Leah,” I said. “You have let yourself fall in love with him, haven’t you?”

She nodded.

“Oh, Leah, I’m so sorry. I am sure he would not have led you to believe … you see, he is so friendly with everybody.”

“I know. But he was specially friendly with me.”

“I am so sorry. I am sure he would be most upset if he thought you had taken it this way.”

“He’s not upset, Miss Rebecca. He’s asked me to marry him and go back with him to Australia.”

I opened my eyes wide. I ran to her and kissed her.

“Well then,” I said. “What is there to be sad about? You love him, don’t you?”

“Oh yes, I do. I love him dearly. He’s the most wonderful person I ever knew. I couldn’t believe he’d notice me … like that.”

“Leah, you are a very beautiful woman. You are good and kind too. Of course he fell in love with you. But why the sadness?”

“It’s Belinda. I can’t bear to leave her.”

“My dear Leah, I know how fond you have grown of her. It’s natural. You’ve looked after her since she was a baby. But you have your own life to live. It happens sometimes. People who look after children get so attached to them that it’s a wrench to leave them. But you have your own life to lead. You’d have to break away some time.”

“I couldn’t leave her. I just couldn’t …”

I thought how strange it was that Belinda, that rebellious child, should have inspired such devotion.

“It’s like making a choice,” she said. “I don’t know which way to turn.”

“Have you told Mr. Marner this?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I told him … I don’t know what to do. He thinks it’s because I’m not sure of my feelings for him. He says he’ll give me time … but it’s running out. He’s got to get back and he wants me to go with him.”

“But you must go, Leah. You love him, don’t you? It’s your future.”

“I can’t seem to choose between them. It seems either way I’ll be miserable.”

“Oh Leah, it’s the whole of your life with Tom Marner. I’m sure he’ll be the best of husbands. You’ll have a wonderful life with him … Belinda … she’s so unpredictable … she could change in a week. Besides, in time, she’ll have her own life.”

Her face crinkled with pain.

“Be sensible,” I said. “Think what it means. Your future … your marriage … your own children. You can’t give all that up for someone else’s child.”

I thought she was going to burst into tears. “I don’t know what to do,” she said. “I just don’t know.”

“Go and think about it. I am sure you will come to the right decision.”

I left her then. I was certain that she could not give up all that marriage with Tom Marner would mean for the sake of someone else’s child.

It was two days later when Benedict came to me and told me that Tom Marner wanted to talk to us.

“Us?” I said in surprise.

“You, me and Celeste,” he said.

“Is it about Leah?” I asked.

“Yes, she is with him. It looks as if this is something serious. Come along to my study. They will be there shortly.”

We went and Celeste came in—the new Celeste, the radiant wife, no longer the outsider. I felt a glow of pleasure every time I saw her.

“I wonder what this is all about?” she said.

“I think Tom Marner wants to marry Leah and Leah wants to marry him.”

“Oh, that will be very … very … how you say?”

“Suitable?” I suggested.

“That is just what I mean.”

They came. Leah looked very emotional and Tom Marner was more serious than usual.

“Sit down,” said Benedict, “and tell us all about it.”

There was a brief silence. Tom Marner looked at Leah and smiled. “Go on,” he said.

Leah seemed to brace herself. “It was when I went to High Tor to do the tapestry. It was the first time I had been away from home.”

“I remember your coming to us,” murmured Celeste.

“Yes … you were there,” went on Leah. “To me it was all so different … I had never been away from home before. They were all friendly to me … especially Monsieur Jean Pascal …”

I drew a deep breath. I could never hear that name without experiencing a tremor of fear. I was guessing what was coming.

“I … I thought I was in love with him. I believed that we would marry. Please understand. I knew nothing of the way things really are. I had lived all the time with my mother who was always talking about sin and burning in hell and such things. I knew I had sinned … but somehow it happened. There was never any talk of marriage … but I thought that when people did as we had, they would be … in time …”

“We understand, Leah,” I said.

“In time I finished the tapestry. I went home … back to my mother. And then I found I was going to have a baby. You knew my mother …”

“I knew her well,” I said. I could imagine the scenes in that cottage, the fear of Leah, the rage of her mother. She who found sin wherever she looked in those around her now discovered that her daughter was to be the mother of an illegitimate child.

“She told me I was wicked,” went on Leah. “I would go to hell. Our reputations would be in ruins. She started making plans. She would send me away. I could fend for myself.”

“So much for her Christian charity,” murmured Benedict.

“You must not judge her harshly,” said Leah. “She thought she was right. It came out when she talked to me … she was so upset … the secret somehow escaped. She had had a very hard time. She called herself Mrs. Polhenny, but she had never been married. Something similar had happened to her. When she was sixteen she was seduced by the squire of the village in which she lived. There was a child … me. Her parents were shocked and sent her away to an aunt where she pretended she was a widow. The aunt was a midwife and she learned her profession … and in time she came to the Poldoreys and practiced it. I was about five years old then. What had happened was on her mind to such an extent that she became fanatically religious. She thought she was saved and she saw sin in everything and everyone. I could understand her horror … and I was very sad that I had brought more sorrow to her.