Rebecca Lim: Muse

‘You were very unconvincing yesterday when you put the black Loubs on,’ Gia says with a frown. ‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It’s like driving a truck — if you can reverse park one of those babies, driving any kind of car after that is a breeze. Walk in these, and the crazy-tall bondage boots Tommy’s organised for you to wear with the black strapless number, and the heels he’s paired with the bridal gown? Will be a cinch.’

Gia’s face suddenly clouds over. ‘It just occurred to me that you gashed your feet pretty badly last night on broken glass. They looked like raw meat while the doctor was cleaning you up — I was almost sick. You’re probably bleeding into your dressings right now.’ She points the shoes in her hand at me.

I look down to see that my feet are heavily bandaged. I hadn’t registered the fact until now.

Gia sighs. ‘Maybe you will have to pull out. You’ll be lucky to manage a pair of kitten heels, if you can even walk for any extended period of time. Sit down on this case and let’s look at the damage.’

She hunkers down on the ground, placing the red heels beside her, and carefully unwinds the bandages around one foot. She takes my heel gently in one hand, lifts it and studies the sole, before doing the same with the other foot. She rises, crosses her arms and just looks at me uncertainly, her face paper white.

‘How bad are they?’ I say.

‘See for yourself,’ she replies, and her voice is almost inaudible.

I lift up one foot, then the other: they’re both pink-looking, healthy. There are black stitches up the instep of one foot, but no apparent reason for them to be there. The flesh around the surgeon’s thread has already healed.

‘You didn’t see what I saw last night,’ Gia says shakily. ‘The doctor removed a shard of glass from one of your feet that was at least two inches long.’

She waves one hand wildly in the air. ‘It’s got something to do with you, hasn’t it?’

I close my eyes briefly and see fire like liquid death overtaking everything in its path and that feeling of intense horror and shame returns. Did I do that? Did Luc?

Gia has my full and sudden attention as she says, ‘They’re all saying you’ve lost it, but I don’t think you’re crazy. You thought you saw someone on the road, and you tried to save him, right? I saw you dive past the window. I saw you land. You landed on your feet. And I think I’m the only one who caught that. Maybe it’s me that’s going crazy because it wasn’t an accident, was it? You look like Irina, you even sound like Irina, but I’ve been listening, really listening to you speak, and the things you say? The words you use? You’re someone else altogether. Something else. How is that possible? I want to know.’

She’s right that I’m good with words. I find comfort in them, they hold no fear for me and I will use them like a weapon if I have to. Maybe it’s a skill I’ve developed over time, maybe I’ve always had it. It’s one thing I know I’m good at and I can’t hide it, whoever I may be or become. In the end, I can’t ever be anyone else except myself. It’s both a strength and a weakness. I’ve always been too full of pride, too much of a smart-arse to just play nicely. For many years, maybe it was all I had in each new life I was forced to assume — the ability to talk my way out of a minefield.

Gia flinches only slightly when I raise my eyes to hers. She’s a brave woman. I don’t need to touch her to know that fear and fascination are at war in her right now.

‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’ I rasp, answering her questions with one of my own. ‘You should be.’

Her eyes are huge in her small face. ‘You just told me to save myself. If you were truly … evil, wouldn’t you have harmed me already?’

‘I’m not evil,’ I murmur. ‘Well, not any more.’

Gia’s eyes widen at my words.

‘You have nothing to fear from me,’ I say quietly. ‘I’m just a creature who needs help and affection and understanding, like everyone else does. I’m trapped, and so is Irina, for her sins. And there are so many things that I want — but what I want more than anything, is to be free. And then things like love and vengeance and truth? I’ll be able to work out for myself again. I’m sick of being acted upon. Of being judged. Of being at the … mercy,’ I feel my mouth twist, ‘of others.’

Gia adds tentatively, ‘You don’t really have a brain disease, do you … Mercy?’

I have to laugh, but when I do, the pounding in my head intensifies unbearably and I have to take quick, shallow breaths to get the pain back under control.

‘In actual fact, I probably do,’ I gasp. ‘I can’t remember things, important things, even simple things, about myself. This thing that’s happened to Irina, it’s happened before, I’ve “been” different people hundreds, maybe thousands, of times. And these “lives”? I think it used to be years between each one, but now the time frames are speeding up, getting shorter and shorter …’

‘What are you?’ Gia breathes.

I glare at her and she takes a step back.

‘Why must you people always ask?’ I growl. ‘Why must you always insist that your curiosity be satisfied? Be grateful that I do not wish to snap you in half like a twig.’

It’s just an idle threat on my part, but Gia goes pale. The feeling of fear that hangs about her, like a presence, seems to ratchet up a notch.

I wave a hand at her to diffuse my words. ‘I’m older than you are,’ I say, ‘for all the jibes I made earlier. And I’m tired. A tiredness that sleep cannot mend. I thirst, I hunger, for freedom. I do not thirst, or hunger, for your blood.’ I laugh at the words, but it’s a despairing sound.

She hovers beside me, uncertainly, and I say harshly, ‘Go, while you can. People, like me, are coming for me soon.’

Her unusual eyes, one blue, one brown, grow even wider, more fearful.

‘When I … leave Irina,’ I add more gently, ‘it could get … messy. It has to happen sometime before Irina’s scheduled to leave Milan. Maybe we should pull the plug on all this. I don’t want to be responsible for anything happening to Giovanni or his final collection. This time it’s me calling the bad luck down on everyone. It’s not Irina’s fault.’

‘Don’t you see?’ Gia says. ‘It doesn’t matter what you decide, because the thing you’re so afraid of is already here, it’s already happening. You can’t stop it. So you either give in to your fear, or just carry on. What other choices are there? You’re just going to submit? Give up? That doesn’t gel with what I … know about you.’

We stare at each other for a long moment. ‘I can’t be responsible for you,’ I warn. ‘I couldn’t bear it if you …’

I look down at my hands, and for a moment I see Lela Neill’s small, capable fingers and trim wrists. She’s going to be buried on Monday. I hug myself tightly so that Gia will not see me shaking.

She reaches out and gives my shoulder a small squeeze. ‘I can take care of myself,’ she replies quietly. ‘What do you think I’ve been doing all this time?’

‘Now just put them on,’ she says, pointing at the red shoes, and I hear some of the customary steel return to her voice. ‘And start channelling Irina, wherever the hell she’s gone. I’ll work out something for you to wear.’

‘No, no, no!’ Gia shouts, throwing up her hands as I flounce towards her up the ‘runway’ she’s cleared down the centre of the sitting room. ‘More hips, more hair, more arms, less shoulder. Chin up, head back, bum in … This is hopeless.’

Her mobile phone rings and she waves both hands frustratedly at me to stop.

She’s speaking in rapid Italian but I understand every word she’s saying to whoever’s on the line. ‘Another hour,’ she pleads. ‘Run through the other girls first without her, and as soon as we arrive do a final run-through with Irina’s looks included, okay? No need for hair and make-up. There’s no time. Yes, I know, but yesterday she could barely walk …’ She shoots me a look. ‘Yes, yes, I understand, but her feet are still a little sore. We’re just giving them a final assessment before we head over. No, she doesn’t need more sedatives, it’s the last thing she needs. She’s just very stiff. We’re just doing a few … stretching exercises’ — I have to stifle a laugh — ‘and then we’ll get down to the cars. I’ll call you if there’s any delay, okay? I appreciate your patience. Ciao, bello.’