Cairo: Daddy Long Stroke

“Damn, it’s like that?”

The Egyptian beauty rolls down her window, and yells. “Bitch, will you come on? That nigga’s all dick, and no dollars. And he smells like trouble. Let’s roll.”

“See,” Chanel says, smirkin’, “told you.”

I laugh, watchin’ her sashay her juicy ass over toward the passenger side. “Damn, baby,” I say, throwin’ my arms open. “You done sized me up all wrong. Now, what’s up wit’ that? I ain’t no killer, baby.”

“Yeah, well, I am,” she says, rollin’ up her window, then peelin’ off. And for some strange reason, my dick starts to stretch down the right side of my leg.

Four hours later, we’re at Scottsdale Fashion Square mall down at the food court chillin ’n shit, people watchin’ while we eat. I’m killin’ a vegetarian sandwich on multigrain bread and two bangin’ cream cheese brownies from Paradise Bakery & Café. There’s muhfuckas and hoes e’erywhere.

“Man,” Mike says, pointin’ up to the second level, “look at Akon’s dumb-ass wit’ all them muhfuckas walkin’ ’round wit’ him.” Dude is here walkin’ ’round and goin’ into stores ’n whatnot, but wasn’t buyin’ shit. And he had ’bout fifteen to twenty heads rollin’ wit’ ’im. Then when peeps try to snap flicks of ’im, he’s tryna act like he ain’t beat to stop and pose up wit’ ’em. “That’s the corniest shit I’ve seen today; you up in the mall, walkin’ ’round just to be seen.” He shakes his head. “That nigga just want some attention.”

Gee adds, “Yo, that’s some clown shit, for real.”

“Yo, whatever,” I say. “Let that nigga do him. I don’t listen to the cat’s music, so who gives a fuck.”

The rapper Young Buck swaggers by all iced-out and whatnot on some solo-type shit. If he had a crew wit’ him, they weren’t all up on him. I watch a buncha white kids run up to him, hittin’ him up for his autograph. They couldna been no more than eleven, maybe tweleve, but they knew who he was.

Two local chicks grab a table next to us. I overhear one of ’em say she’s never seen so many fine black men in one place before. The other agrees, then says how Phoenix isn’t used to all this excitement; that they’re probably scared to death of so many blacks in one place. They laugh. I chuckle to myself, lookin’ ’round. And we spendin’ major paper up in this muhfucka, too! Yeah, they mighta not been used to us bein’ here, but I bet they’re sure glad we came through this bitch to boot up the economy.

“Aye, yo,” Mike says, tappin’ me on the arm, “there go them fine-ass hoes from the hotel.”

“Where?” I ask, tryin’ not to sound all thirsty ’n shit.

He points straight ahead over in their direction. “Right there, gettin’ ready to go up the escalator.”

All eyes follow where he’s pointin’, zoomin’ in on the view. And there they are, fine as ever, carryin’ a shitload of shoppin’ bags. Gee says, “Gotttttttdamn, they fine.”

Glenn agrees.

Mike laughs. “And they stuck up as hell. Yo, this nigga here”— he points at me—“tried to holla at ’em this mornin’ when we were waiting for ya’lls dumb asses, and they played the shit outta him. The one bitch threw her hand up at him like he wasn’t shit.” This nigga is crackin’ up.

“Yo, whatever, muhfucka.”

He’s still laughin’. “Yo, dawg, am I lyin’, though? Keep it gee, nigga. That ho played you, son.”

Gee and Glenn shake their heads, laughin’ wit’ his dumb ass.

“Now the light-skinned one,” Mike continues, “seemed like she was a little more approachable ’cause she did stop and give you some rhythm. But that other one, whew…man, listen. That ho is a problem.” Instead of him deadin’ it, this muhfucka keeps the shit goin’. “Yo, ya’ll shoulda seen how she played him like a real crab.”

“Damn, yo, she did you like that?” Gee asks, surprised.

“Yeah,” I say nonchalantly, “she was on some funny-style shit. But it’s all good.”

“Yo, the shit was funny as hell. And instead of this nigga leavin’ it alone, he gets up and follows ’em out the hotel. They was probably thinkin’ ya ass was a real nut, yo.”

“Damn, yo, get up off my dick,” I snap. Listenin’ to him talk ’bout it got me feelin’ some kinda way. I don’t usually get straight igged like that. But her evil ass made my dick bulge earlier wit’ her slick talk. And a muhfucka ain’t gonna be satisfied ’til I can get at her. Fuck what ya heard. I don’t give up easily. I keep my eye on ’em, watch which direction they walk in.

He laughs louder. “Damn, son, let me find out you bein’ all sensitive ’n shit.”

I laugh it off. “Fuck outta here. I’m just sayin’. Give it a rest, damn. Ya’ll niggas come out here to shop or bullshit?”

“Both,” Gee says, crackin’ up. I see these muhfuckas wanna be on some extra shit. I get up and toss my trash into the garbage can, then bounce.

“Peace, I’m out,” I say, throwin’ up two fingers. “I’ma get at you niggas later.”

“Aye, yo. Where you goin’?”

“I got sum shoppin’ to do.”

They all start laughin’. “Yeah, right, muhfucka. The only thing you tryna do is get ya feelin’s hurt.”

“Whatever, yo,” I say, headin’ toward the escalator. “Hit me up when ya’ll niggas ready to bounce.”

When I get to the top of the escalator, I turn in the direction the two Brooklyn beauties went, then slowly walk past stores ’til I spot ’em. After ’bout nine stores, I still don’t see ’em so decide to head down to the first level. I stroll by a few stores, and still no sign of ’em. Nigga, what the fuck are you doin’? Ya ass is buggin’ for real, yo. Chasin’ behind a piece of ass. Nigga, you better get ya mind right.

“Fuck them hoes,” I mumble, dippin’ into the 7 For All Mankind store. I browse ’round, try on two pair of jeans, and then six hundred dollars later, I walk up outta there.

Right as I’m ’bout to hit up my niggas to let ’em know I’m ready to bounce, I spot the two Brooklyn beauties comin’ outta a store and walkin’ in my direction. The light-skinned one sees me and says sumthin’ to her peoples, then starts laughin’. As soon as I get up on ’em, I grin, stoppin’ in front of ’er peoples, blockin’ her path.

“Chanel, right?” I say, lookin’ at her. She gives me a phony smile and nod. Is this bitch bipolar, or what? This mornin’, the bitch spoke. Now she’s actin’ brand-new. I turn my attention to her girl. “Why you so mean?”

“Why you all in my face?”

Her girl snickers, shakin’ her head.

“I’m tryna get ya name.”

“Why? You tryna stalk a bitch or sumthin’?”

“Nah, I ain’t on it like that, baby.”

“I can’t tell,” she snaps.

“Kat, will you please give this fool some rhythm so he can be on his way?”

“Kat? Damn…I like that.”

She cuts her eyes at her girl, suckin’ her teeth. “Ugh, bitch, you make me sick.”

“Whatever. The nigga’s fine and you know it. So stop frontin’ and let’s be done wit’ it. I’ma be over in the Aveda store.” She grins, shootin’ me a look, walkin’ off. The beauty in front of me stares me down. I grin.

“What the fuck’s so funny?”

I shake my head, still smilin’. “You’re too damn fine to be so damn evil, baby. All a cat’s tryna do is get ya name, but you actin’ like I’m the muhfucka who broke ya heart.”

She shifts her weight from one foot to the other, lets her Dior bag hang in the crook of her arm. “I’ma tell you this only once, so get it right or get got. First, I’m not ya baby. So, don’t call me that shit. Second, I don’t give a nigga the chance to break my heart, trust. And, third, whatever it is you sellin’, a bitch like me ain’t fuckin’ buyin’, so step.” She brushes past me, but I ain’t havin’ it. This bitch is too damn bad for a muhfucka to let get away that easy.