Phoebe North: Starglass

“Ronen picked this?” I asked, turning in front of the mirror.

“Well, he had some help,” Rachel said, winking at me.

She sat me down on the bed, twisting my short hair into a braid. Her hands made quick work. In our silence Pepper padded in and settled on the hem of my dress.

“You’re going to be covered in cat hair,” Rachel said. I shrugged.

“I figure Silvan should get used to it.”

Rachel gave a laugh. “Can’t escape the cat hair,” she said. “It’s an indelible part of  Terra Fineberg.”

At first I laughed too. But her words swirled around in my mind. Indelible part. After another moment I gave her an uneasy look.

“About Koen . . .”

Rachel looked at me for a long time. “Honestly, I don’t think he could stay away from Van Hofstadter if he tried. But that doesn’t matter. Just because we’re getting married doesn’t mean he’s my destiny or anything. This wedding is about survival. I’m marrying him because otherwise I’ll have no choice in who I marry at all. Everyone else from our class is already married or intended. And I won’t let the Council choose for me.”

I darted my hand out, grasping her pinkie finger in mine. Her hand stayed limp at first. Then she gave my hand a little squeeze and smiled up at me.

“We’re friends, at least. Koen and I,” Rachel said. “But it’s not like you and Silvan. It never will be. You’re so lucky.”

“Lucky?” I sighed, glancing in the mirror. My reflection was almost startling. With my hair back, I was almost another creature. Not the botanist who spent her days in a muggy greenhouse. And not the assassin who had poisoned a man in a fit of rage.

“I’ve done things I’m not proud of, Rachel. To you. To Koen. To Van.” I turned to face her. “To Silvan’s father.”

She drew in a breath. “Mazdin Rafferty?”

It was his name that did it, sending a shock of anger through me even now. I thought of his dark hair, scattered with silver; his eyes, brown and lined and cruel. I thought of his sneering, laughing mouth. I thought of his delicate doctor’s hands—hands that had been used to kill my mother.

“I had to do it,” I said evenly. “You have no idea who he really is.”

“Do what?” she whispered. “Terra, what did you do ?”

I didn’t answer, only stared at her with wide, wild eyes. I couldn’t tell her the truth. So I kept my lips tightly shut. At long last Rachel looked away. She touched her hand to Pepper’s back.

“I’m scared, Terra,” she said. Her voice was full of tears. “About what comes next.”

I went to the bed and sat down beside her. Holding my chin high, I made my voice sound firm. I couldn’t let her know that I was just as scared as she was.

“I promise you, no matter what happens to me,” I began, speaking slowly so that she would know that I meant every word, “that nothing bad will happen to you. I won’t let it.”

Rachel threw her arms around me and buried me in a hug.

In our gold wedding dresses we walked through the dome together. The fields were crowded with drunken teenagers who had all filched their families’ wine rations. But I don’t think anyone cared. Everybody was joyful, exuberant. The air was busy with wild energy.

Overhead, Zehava gleamed and twinkled. We were fixed into orbit now. For the first time we could see the shapes of her continents, mostly frozen and white in a sea of turquoise. There was one larger landmass on the planet’s northern side, joined to the smaller southern continent by a narrow bridge of land. There, near the equator, the planet gleamed violet. The color was so familiar—the same shade as the tangled vines that spread through my dreams at night. The same color as the hands that had pressed, hot and wild, against my pale skin. I found myself staring up at it, speechless.

“Are you okay?” Rachel asked. I forced a smile.

“Sure,” I said. “It’s just amazing, isn’t it? The universe and all.”

“It is. You know, the Torah says—”

“Torah.” I rolled my eyes. “What is it with you and this book?”

Rachel’s cheeks darkened. She smoothed down the fabric of her dress.

“It made me feel good to read it,” she said. “Not just because it explained the lights. Did you know that once, people didn’t work one day a week? Not just work, but they didn’t do anything . Write or draw or turn on the lights. Because that was the day that the universe was done being created.”

“All of the universe? Created in a day?” I tried not to grin at the idea of it. We’d been traveling through the stars for too long for me to believe something as absurd as that.

“Well, the Torah says six days,” she said, the smile on her lips tentative. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s a metaphor. It makes me feel good to think that there’s a plan behind it all. A force driving us, just like the engines once drove us. Someone watching down over us, you know?”

I glanced at the purple-scattered continents overhead and let out a sigh. Looking at those white-capped mountains and blue seas, it was almost enough to make me a believer. Almost. But I’d seen too much in my life to have faith that there was someone watching down over me . I was alone, and always would be.

“C’mon,” Rachel said. She took my hands in hers. “We’re getting married on the same day. Just as we arrive on Zehava. That has to be a sign that there’s a greater plan, right?”

I grinned. “Silvan’s greater plan, maybe. Anyway, I just can’t believe I won’t be at your wedding.”

“And I won’t be at yours,” she said sadly. I gave a shrug.

“Honestly? I never really thought about that. I thought about what it would be like when you got married. But not me.”

“Really?” Rachel seemed genuinely surprised. “But we always talked about it.”

“Just talk. Don’t get me wrong. I always hoped I might find my bashert . But on a ship this small, what were the chances of someone loving me ? I thought marriage was something that happened to other girls. Girls like you.”

Rachel stood there, the wide pleats of her dress spread around her like flower petals. She cradled my hands in hers as she spoke. “Terra, you have to stop this. You’re my friend. My brilliant friend.” She paused, her bright smile growing fond. “Do you remember the day we met?”

“We sat next to each other in school,” I said. But to be honest, that was all I could remember. Everything before my mother’s death was hazy.

“Yeah. But that wasn’t the whole story. It was the first day of class. And the other girls were making fun of me. My mother had dressed me in a ridiculous outfit, all blues and greens. That would be the style the next season, but that year it was all earth tones. They called me a fish.

“You turned around and glared at them. You were so angry. You told them to shut up, that I was beautiful. And then you reached down and grabbed my hand and held my pinkie so tight, I thought it might fall off. And I sat there thinking that if this smart, brave girl thought I was pretty, then I must not be so bad. We were always friends after that.”

I couldn’t help it. I crushed Rachel in a hug. She smelled like honey and violets.

“If you think I’m smart and brave . . .,” I said, pulling away. My voice was tight with tears. “Then I must not be so bad.”

“No,” she agreed, holding me at arm’s length. “You’re not. You’re so courageous, Terra. I’ve always thought that. I might not agree with the choices you make. But I don’t doubt for a second that you can do anything you set your mind to.”