John Gray - Children Are from Heaven - Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

This child sees another child riding a bike and just gets on and rides off. Children with this learning style are runners. They are fast learners, but to stay interested and involved, they need to be challenged. They learn very quickly, because they are generally gifted at what they are learning. Parents must be careful to make sure that runners get the opportunity to develop their other kinds of intelligence that may not be so easy for them.

This child takes a few weeks to learn how to ride a bike.

These children respond well to instruction and with each attempt they get a little better. They may start out with training wheels but within a couple of weeks are riding on their own. Walkers are what parents call “dream children” or “easy.” They always learn a little more, get better, and clearly let you know you are helping and they are learning.

These children are so easy to manage that they often miss a lot of important nurturing and attention.

This child is the most difficult and challenging for parents. These children may take several years to learn how to ride a bike. They take instruction in, but don’t progress.

They don’t get better, they don’t show any signs of learning, and the parent has no idea if anything they are doing is helping. If the parent persists, two years later the child gets on the bike and suddenly rides.

All that instruction was going in, but the parent had no indication of progress. Then, in one mysterious moment, these children somehow put it all together, get on the bike, and ride as if they had been riding for two years. On the surface, it may have looked as if no progress was being made, but then suddenly in one jump they get there. These children often don’t get the time and attention they need to make the jump. Without parental encouragement and persistence, they quit and never realize their inner potential.

A child could be a jumper (slow learner) when it comes to riding bikes, but a runner (very fast learner) when it comes to social skills. He or she could be the nicest and most cooperative child while making dinner together or traveling on a trip, but then, when it comes to riding a bike, a change occurs.

Immediately, your child becomes resistant and uncooperative. By understanding different learning speeds, a parent can be more patient and accepting of their child’s resistance. All children excel at some skills, but resist others. Being good here and not good there is natural and normal.

Just because a child is a jumper and appears to be a slow learner does not mean that he or she has low levels of that intelligence. Sometimes it is those areas where we resist learning the most that we have our greatest strengths. For me personally, I was never a good writer or public speaker and resisted writing and speaking in a group. Both were gifts that were to come much later in life.

On the other hand, just because someone is a runner or walker in a particular area of intelligence doesn’t imply that he or she will excel in this field or have a tremendous potential for growth. For example, the majority of people who get a university degree in a particular subject don’t follow that particular path later in life. Getting a degree in anthropology doesn’t mean that you will be an anthropologist. The easiest path or path of least resistance is not always our greatest strength.

One of the big mistakes parents make is to compare their children to one another. If you have a child who is a walker in most areas of intelligence, then everything is relatively smooth and easy. When your next child is a jumper in some areas and resists more, you may mistakenly assume that something is wrong with the child.

Jumpers never seem to be learning or listening. You teach them to set the table and they forget how. You teach them table manners and they keep forgetting. You teach them their math tables and they keep forgetting. You teach them to speak clearly and they don’t speak. You teach them to tie their shoes and they can’t. You explain their homework and they just can’t get it.

Without positive-parenting skills, these children usually get punished again and again, which makes it even more difficult for them to develop confidence. Children can only grow in confidence when they get the consistent messages that they are not being compared and that they are good enough just the way they are. Every child is unique and special and deserves love just the way he or she is. By understanding all the different ways healthy loving children can be different, it is easier to be an accepting and supportive parent.

Reviewing this chapter from time to time can make the process of parenting dramatically easier. Times of frustration are caused by expecting our children to be different from the way they are. Just remembering that they are supposed to be different helps us to relax and reflect on a more appropriate way of dealing with our children.

Besides being unique and different, every child comes into this world with his or her own bundle of issues and problems. No child is perfect. All children make mistakes.

Everyone makes mistakes. To expect children not to make mistakes gives them a cruel and inaccurate message about life. It sets a standard that can never be lived up to. When parents expect perfection, children can only feel inadequate and powerless to live up to their parents’ standards.

All children make mistakes; it is perfectly

normal and to be expected.

Parents constantly need to adjust their standards for and expectations of their children according to their natural abilities. At every age, children’s abilities change naturally. Every child has different abilities. When weak in a particular area, a child will need more help and sometimes will need the parent to carry him. Children should not get the message that something is wrong with them for making mistakes. Too many shaming messages make children feel they are bad, unworthy, or that something is wrong with them. They feel defeated and lose their natural motivation and confidence.

Young children, up to nine years old, are not capable of dealing with shaming messages without assuming too much blame. Any kind of punishment, disapproval, or emotional upset in reaction to your child’s mistakes ultimately gives a shaming message. When there is a problem, unless someone else assumes responsibility, the child will assume too much blame.

Before the age of nine, a child cannot discern the difference between I did something bad and I am bad. Children younger than nine are not capable of logical thinking. A child reacts in this way: “If I did something bad, then I am bad,” or “If what I did was not good enough, then I am not good enough.”

Without a sense of self, when a child makes a mistake she has nothing to fall back on. If she makes a mistake, she is a mistake. When a child assumes too much responsibility, a parent can correct this tendency by assuming responsibility themselves. When parents assume responsibility for what happens to their children, children don’t take it on.

Many adults suffer from low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness, because they still cannot discern this difference. When they make mistakes, they conclude that they are not good enough. Although these adults are capable of logical thinking, when they were younger than nine, they were not nurtured to experience their inner innocence. They may even reason that they are not bad, but inside they still feel bad or unworthy.