John Gray - Children Are from Heaven - Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

Teens are already vulnerable to peer pressure. If they don’t have a strong foundation of positive communication with their parents, it is very hard to stay connected to who they are and to hold on to their own values and wants.

Without this anchor of parental communication, a teen is easily tossed around by the dangerously high waves of negativity in the world. Teens and even preteens can be very mean. Without strong support from home, children will easily succumb to peer pressure to experiment with drugs, drinking, violence, gangs, stealing, lying, cheating, and sexual promiscuity in order to gain acceptance. When teenagers do not feel accepted at home, they are willing to give up their values to seek acceptance from their peers.

When teenagers do not feel accepted at

home, they seek acceptance from their peers.

Today our teens enter a culture of violence. They are more sensitive than any previous generation. This means that what goes in comes right back out. When teenagers are not sensitive or open, they are not affected by the outer world as much. In a free society with so many choices, our children are much more vulnerable to being influenced by others. One bad apple does spoil a whole barrel of apples.

On one hand, our teenagers feel a healthy need to be more independent, and on the other, they need our support more than ever. To give this support effectively, parents have to back off from fixing and improving and instead be an open-minded resource so that our children want our positive support.

When expressing our opinions, we must also be careful to give our children support for holding different opinions.

When parents insist on “one-way thinking,” their teens will insist on the other way. Be open-minded and your children will be free to make their choices instead of just reacting or rebelling against yours. When children grow up in an environment that accepts differences, they will not feel so pressured to be like their peers. They will assume and assert their right to be strong-willed and different.

Be open-minded and your children will be free

to make their choices instead of just rebelling.

To support our children, we must hold back advice, rigid judgments, and solutions in order to keep the lines of communication open. Fortunately, it is never too late to open these lines. Using positive-parenting communication skills and applying the five positive messages can begin to open up those lines of communication at any age.

As we have explored in Chapter 4, there are basically four temperaments: sensitive, active, responsive, and receptive.

1.Sensitive children have stronger feelings, go deeper, and are more serious.

2.Active children have strong wills, take risks, and want to be the center of attention.

3.Responsive children are bright, light, and need more stimulation; they move from one thing to another.

4.Receptive children are well mannered and cooperative; they follow instructions well but resist change.

Although most children have at least a little of each temperament, generally one or two of these temperaments is dominant. With an understanding of how temperaments differ, parents can easily identify their child’s predominant temperament and learn what that child needs. (Refer to Chapter 4 to identify the needs and particular skills required to nurture a temperament.)

When a child’s temperament is different from that of the parents, unless the parents are aware of all four temperaments, it is very difficult to nurture this child. So much unnecessary wounding and neglect occurs because parents are not educated with an understanding of these simple and basic differences.

Unless parents are aware of all four

temperaments, it is very difficult to nurture a

child whose temperament differs from theirs.

Quite often, some of the biggest problems parents have in getting along is disagreeing about what their children need. A receptive parent will instinctively know what a receptive child needs, but if the other parent is active, sensitive, or responsive he or she cannot instinctively know what the child needs. As parents, we cannot always assume that what works for us will work for our children. Not only does the child suffer, but the parents argue needlessly.

For example, without an understanding of different temperaments, a responsive parent would not only think something is wrong with a receptive child’s resistance to change, but could not give the child the rhythm and repetition that receptive children need.

On the other hand, a receptive parent, who doesn’t like change but likes repetition, would think something is wrong with the responsive child who never finishes things. Without this important awareness, the parent would not give the child the varied activities that he or she needs.

When parents learn how to accept and nurture the different temperaments, they naturally transform and flower. Some children may start out with a little of all four types and gradually move through them all throughout their lives. When a temperament is nurtured, at least for a while, it will transform into the next. These are some of the transformations to be expected:

Sensitive children, who have stronger feelings, go deeper, and are more serious, gradually lighten up, and have lots of fun and laughter along with being original. Sensitive children become more responsive. When a serious child feels heard, he or she will tend to become light and cheery for a while.

Responsive children, who are bright, light, and need more stimulation while moving from one thing to another, gradually learn to focus, be disciplined, and fully commit themselves in relationships and work. Responsive children become more receptive. When responsive children get to do many things, they begin to find something they really like and become more focused for a while.

Receptive children, who are well mannered and cooperative, and follow instructions well, but resist change, gradually become self-motivated, wise, adaptive, and flexible. Receptive children become more active. When receptive children have a regular routine, they feel safe enough to take risks and try new things.

Active children, who have strong wills, take risks, and want to be the center of attention, gradually become cooperative and compassionate in service to others. Active children become more sensitive. When active children get enough structure and guidance to feel competent or successful in achieving their goals, they become more sensitive and aware of the needs of others and wish to serve.

Based on these different temperaments, we can see better what activities are most appropriate for a child. Keeping temperaments in mind, let’s explore afternoon activities.

It is hard for sensitive children to start new friendships, so they need a little extra help. Parents need to put a sensitive child in a supervised activity that promotes safe, harmonious interactions. This child doesn’t need a lot of stimulation; too much is definitely too much. Sensitive children need to be around people who have similar abilities and sensitivities. It is especially good for them to help in caring for a pet. A pet or stuffed animal always understands what they are going through.

Parents who give their children lots of stimulation in the afternoon nurture this important need. Camps, museums, parks, malls, sports, gymnastics, skating, movies, some TV, video games, books, walks, swimming, swings — all give stimulation. These children can easily become addicted to video games or TV and become distressed inside because they are not getting other kinds of natural stimulation.