Iris Johansen - Dark Rider

Imagination. She had lost her virginity this night, and perhaps she had paid more heed to Clara's words than she had realized. Clara had said a woman must come chaste to her husband's bed and cling only to him, or she would burn in hell. Well, Cassie had burned tonight. She had burned and trembled and cried out as he took and took and took…

Don't think about it. Tomorrow she would be fine. Tomorrow she would realize that nothing had happened to her that had not happened to generations of women before her. She would laugh at this panic. She opened the door of her cabin. Tomorrow she would be herself and know-

"Are you well?" Lani asked quietly. She was sitting on the bunk across the room. "He did not hurt you?"

Cassie stopped in the doorway. "No," she whispered. "How did you know?"

"I came to see you when I returned from supper. You were not here." She smiled and shook her head. "It took no great intellect to guess where you had gone."

"But you didn't come after me."

"You know I never interfere with your decisions. It would be an intrusion. But I wish you'd told me." She held out her arms. "Come."

Cassie flew across the room and dropped to her knees in front of Lani. Lani's arms enfolded her- warmth, safety, love. She buried her face in Lani's shoulder. "I had to do it," she whispered.

Lani stroked her hair. "Why?"

"You were right. It made sense for one of us to be close to him, if it could help Papa. We have to know when he receives word from France. But why should you have to do it when it might hurt you if Papa found out?"

"I was willing to take the risk."

"But you shouldn't have to do it when I-" She nestled closer; her words were muffled. "I wanted him."

"Shh, I know you did. Why are you so full of guilt? I told you that it was no betrayal if the passion was of the body alone."

"But I didn't think it would be like this."

Lani stroked her hair. "And how was it?"

She couldn't describe it, even to Lani. "It wasn't as you said. I… didn't want to walk away. It frightened me."

"But you did walk away?"

"Yes."

"Then it was no betrayal." Lani sighed. "But I wish you had not done it. I was hoping your first man would be pure joy. Was he kind to you?"

Kind. Had there been kindness in that storm of passion? She wanted to deny it, but there had been gentleness in his surprising hesitation before he had taken her. "He didn't hurt me." She lifted her head. "He wants me to come to him again."

"And are you going to do it?"

"It would be foolish of me not to, wouldn't it? This night would be for nothing." She paused. "But I don't… Why am I afraid, Land?"

"You'll have to answer that yourself." She smiled. "I will tell you what I think, if you like. You suspect that you're not as strong as you'd thought. It's not true. You're stronger. You will see. You'll do whatever is necessary."

"Will I?" She felt a sudden surge of confidence. "Of course I will." She sat back on her heels. "I was afraid only because the coupling was… different from what I'd expected."

Lani leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "If you wish to refuse him, do it. We will make other plans." She rose to her feet. "I'll leave you to sleep. Rest well. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yes." She watched the door close behind Lani. She had been foolish to be frightened. She had the strength to keep mind and body apart when with Jared. She rose to her feet, quickly unbuttoned the shirt, and stripped it off. She could take what she wanted of him and discard him just as she had his shirt. She untied the sarong and tossed it on top of the shirt, then padded naked across the floor to the washstand. It would be easier the next time. She would be more prepared.

She would learn to walk away without a second glance.

She was not in the least apprehensive, Cassie told herself as she walked into the dining cabin the next evening and saw Jared talking to Bradford. She'd had time to think over the events of last night and had come to the conclusion that her panic had been totally unreasonable. Lani had said there was no guilt, and Lani-

Jared turned to look at her, and she instinctively braced herself. His expression impassive, he said something to Bradford, then moved leisurely toward her. "I do believe that garment is even worse than the gray gown." Jared grimaced as his glance raked the high-necked, long-sleeved puce gown. He lifted Cassie's hand to his lips. "Didn't that dragon believe in revealing even one inch of skin?"

"You don't like it?"

"I abhor it."

She smiled serenely. "Good." She pulled her hand away. "But, then, you don't really know what you like, do you? Last night you were upset with me for displaying too much skin."

"That was different." His gaze narrowed on her face. "You appear to be in good spirits."

"Did you expect me to hide in my cabin? It's true I was a little discomposed afterward, but it didn't last long. After I talked it over with Lani, I felt much better."

He frowned. "You talked me over with your friend?"

"Of course. We agreed that nothing of any importance had occurred." She glanced around the dining hall. Bradford was now standing at the window across the cabin, but she did not see Lani. "Where is she?"

"I have no idea," he said through his teeth. "And I don't give a-" He broke off and suddenly threw back his head and laughed. "Christ, I just may heave you overboard before we get to England. My self-love is being stung at every turn."

She wished he had not shown that glimpse of rueful humor. It was easier to keep the barriers in place with a man who refused to laugh at himself. "I was only telling the truth."

"Truth is seldom kind. May I point out that it's definitely not the thing to denigrate the man who strove to make your deflowering as 'pleasant' as possible?"

He knew that word was too tame to describe his stormy possession. She had been trying all day to forget the details of their joining. "I didn't think there were social rules for behavior after a deflowering." She changed the subject. "Are you going to escort me to the table or stand here talking nonsense?"

"By all means," he murmured. "You clearly need sustenance to keep that tongue blade sharp." He took her arm. "I've changed my mind. I believe I approve of your wearing that gown."

She glanced at him in surprise. "You do?"

"I know it's a disappointment, but I expect to enjoy looking at you across the table tonight. Do you know why?"

She shook her head.

He looked straight before him, his voice soft. "Because I'm going to think of what's underneath that gown. I'm going to pretend you're as naked beneath it as you were last night. I'm going to consider that gown as rather ugly wrapping around a delightful present. I've always enjoyed removing the wrapping from my gifts. You cheated me of that last night."

She could feel heat sting her cheeks. So much for her confidence. Her heart was pounding wildly, and she suddenly felt unsure and shaken.

"I'm going to look at you across the table, and you'll know that I'm remembering what I did to you last night." His voice deepened. "Someday I'll persuade you to wear nothing beneath that gown. We'll dine alone, and you'll let me slip the gown to your waist so that I can see those lovely breasts. Later, while we're having coffee, you'll come and sit on my lap. I'll lift your skirt and look at you and press my palms on-"

"Stop it," she hissed. Even the roots of her hair felt on fire. They were only words, she told herself. Yet the picture he painted was there before her. She could feel his lean hardness beneath her thighs, feel his intent gaze.

"Have I upset you? I only thought you should know what's in store for you." He added silkily as they reached the table, "Though I realize you regard my attentions as totally 'unimportant.' "