Barry Eisler: Fault line

And there was another reason for her reluctance. She didn't want to hurt Ben. More than any other, that reason shamed her, and the shame was making her angry.

“Yeah, well, you've got a funny way of showing it,” she said. “Sneaking into my room at the hotel, and now sneaking up on me here.”

She looked away. After a moment, she glanced back at him. It looked like he was trying not to smile. Maybe it was the reference to the hotel room. She had to admit, it was hard to stop thinking about it.

“You really want me to grovel, don't you?” he said.

She thought for a moment. “Don't you think you should?”

His expression grew serious. “Look,” he said, “what happened the other night… it couldn't have happened at a worse time for me. And it couldn't have been a better thing.”

“That's it?”

“I don't know. I'm not used to groveling.”

Now she was the one trying not to smile. “I think you should practice.”

“Okay, how about this? I want to see you again.”

She shook her head. “How's that going to work? Everything you stand for, I abhor.”

He glanced away and shook his head. She realized she'd been expecting one of his patented snappy answers, and the fact that he didn't have one, or didn't want to offer one, suddenly fascinated her.

“I mean, I don't even know where you live,” she said. “Where do you live? Do you live somewhere?”

“I move around a lot. But… I was thinking about spending some time in San Francisco for a while. Closer to home.”

“Yeah? How long?”

“I don't know. How long could you stand me?”

“I'm not sure.”

“It wouldn't be right away, necessarily. I wanted to stop in Manila first. Make sure my daughter knows she has a father. But after that. If you want.”

She didn't answer. She wasn't sure what was happening. She felt like she wasn't keeping up.

Their coffees came. She put milk and sugar in hers. Ben took a sip. “Hooah,” he said. “Is this how you bill all those hours?”

She shook her head. “I don't know how I do it.”

He looked at her. “It's not really you, is it?”

“I don't know.”

“What do you want to do instead?”

She sipped her coffee. “I'm working on that.”

He shrugged. “Take some time off. Travel. Figure things out.”

“You make it sound simple.”

“It is.”

“Oh, really?” she said. “Is that why you're going to Manila?”

“I have a few things to figure out, yeah.”

“Like?”

His eyes narrowed, and she wondered whether she was pushing too hard. But damned if she was going to let him talk down to her.

“Like what the hell happened this week,” he said, gravel in his voice. “Like whether I'm one of the good guys, like I always thought.”

She looked at him. “Well, why don't you just admit that, instead of acting like the advice is just for me?”

His expression softened. “I'm not used to admitting things. It's like groveling. But I'm willing to learn.”

She couldn't help smiling. They were quiet for a moment.

“You were right,” she said. “Afterward, it seemed like a dream. The rest of it, too.”

He nodded. “That's the way it works.”

“And then you showed up here. Am I dreaming again?”

“You're not dreaming.”

“Can you prove that?”

“Well, I could pinch you.”

She looked at him. “My apartment is two blocks from here. Why don't you pinch me there?”

They walked fast. She knew this was a bad idea, but she didn't care. And maybe she would never see him again, but she didn't care about that, either. She could figure the rest out later. And she would. She would figure it out. She was sure of it.