Peter James: Love You Dead

There, you have it. You are well shot of me. But just one thing I ask you, and I know I don’t really have the right to ask you anything — but this is not his fault. So please, when I am gone, take care of our son, Bruno. He worries me; you’ll see what I mean. Don’t give him to my parents, they’d never cope and it would be hell for him. I’m leaving you plenty of money for him, to pay for his education and set him up in life. I’ve also left you DNA proof that you are his father. You won’t know this but I took some samples from our house when I visited Brighton last year.

I do still love you, even though it might not have seemed that way to you for all these years. Sorry, but this is really the end for me. I know I’m a coward, but then maybe I always have been.

‘Darling, I’m so late, I’ve got to fly.’ Cleo ran into the kitchen, then stopped. ‘Oh God,’ she said as she saw Grace sitting at the table with his face in his hands, then noticed the goldfish.

She walked across to the tank and peered in for some moments, frowning. ‘No!’ she said. ‘Marlon!’ She dipped her hand in the water and gently lifted the fish out, studying it intently. ‘Awwww, Marlon. You poor little thing.’

She shot a glance back at Roy, lowered Marlon back into the tank, rinsed her hand under the tap and dried it. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She walked over to Grace, stood behind him and put her arms round his shoulders, giving him a squeeze. ‘He lived to a pretty good age. He’s outlived a lot of goldfish by years, and he had a nice life.’

Grace nodded.

‘He won the jackpot having you as his dad!’

He gave a bleak smile. ‘Thanks.’ There was someone else who now had him as their dad. He needed to break the news to her, but now was not the moment as she was dashing off. He would do it later — and that would give him time to think. Time he very badly needed. He needed to compose himself and sort this mess out.

On top of the shock of having it confirmed he had a ten-year-old son, he was still reeling from the news of Sandy’s suicide. Shouldn’t he have spotted the danger signals all those years ago? But what were the danger signals? Leaving him the way she had had made his life hell. By disappearing off the face of the earth, there were plenty of people, he knew, including Cassian Pewe, who had harboured sneaking suspicions that he had murdered her.

Another dark thought swirled through him. ‘I wasn’t always faithful to you.’

So who were you unfaithful with? How many times, how many people? Is there someone I know who you once slept with, who secretly smirks every time he sees me?

And what did you mean when you said about Bruno — ‘He worries me, you’ll see what I mean’?

Cleo hurried over to the door, glancing up at the kitchen clock then at her watch as if for confirmation. ‘Shit, I can’t believe the time! I’m so late — we’ve four post-mortems this morning and we’re one short on the team. Look, darling, why don’t we find something nice to put Marlon in and bury him this evening?’

He nodded. ‘Yeah, good idea.’ He could hardly speak. In a way he was relieved by Cleo rushing out, it bought him more time to think. He heard the front door close, a car door slam, followed by the familiar sound of her Audi’s engine firing up and being revved far too hard while it was still cold.

Kaitlynn arrived a few minutes later. He found a small plastic sandwich box in a cupboard, put Marlon in, wrapped in a folded bed of kitchen roll, and placed him on a high shelf. Then he left without eating anything; he had no appetite.

Somehow, Roy got through the morning at work. But he was unable to concentrate. He kept pulling out his phone and reading and rereading Sandy’s letter. Even a call from an uncharacteristically friendly Cassian Pewe, congratulating him, failed to lift his mood.

It was ironic, he kept thinking. For almost all of the time he’d been with Sandy they’d been trying for a child. After she had vanished, for almost another decade he hoped desperately she would come back. Then when he and Cleo began seeing each other, all that changed. But there had always been the spectre of Sandy somewhere in the background. And he had always felt something would happen one day; something that would shake him to the core.

But never in a million years did he think she’d had their son. God, so much to think of that had suddenly landed on him. What was the boy like? What were his interests? Could he speak any English? How would he feel about being uprooted to England? More irony, he thought, since he was conceived here.

And more important than anything, how would Cleo react?

At lunchtime he asked Glenn to come to the Black Lion, because he needed his advice. Sitting in a booth, while his friend hungrily ate his way through a plate of lasagne, Grace’s sandwich lay untouched in front of him.

‘Suicide?’

Grace nodded.

‘You can’t blame yourself. Her life sounds like one long train crash after she left you.’

‘Maybe if I’d said to her I’d have her back, she’d be alive now?’

Branson stared him hard in the face. ‘What have you got inside that skull of yours? Shit for brains or something? You’ve moved on — like — your life’s moved on a thousand miles . You have Cleo and Noah. They’re your life and your future. Having Sandy back was never an option.’

‘Cleo, Noah and now Bruno,’ Grace corrected him.

‘Do you have any other options for the boy? Grandparents? They could look after him if it’s too big a burden for you and Cleo right now. You told me Sandy’s parents are still alive, living in Seaford, right?’

‘They’re toxic, I can’t stand them. God, I wouldn’t entrust any kid to them, they’re horrible people. When I phoned them last week, despite what Sandy said, to say she was alive and I’d been to see her, there was no thank you! Instead of being thrilled they had got their daughter back, it was almost as if they were disappointed that the focus of their misery for the past decade had suddenly been taken away from them. They didn’t even seem that bothered about phoning her, or jumping on a plane and flying out to see her.’

‘So you don’t have a choice, do you?’

‘No, I don’t. But how do I start the conversation with Cleo? I feel responsible for Bruno, he’s my son, we have to bring him up.’

‘You just tell her. All the time you’ve been together she’s lived with Sandy as a shadow — a ghost. We’re all prisoners of our past in some way. Cleo’s a kind and caring person. She’ll understand.’

‘Understand that she’s got a German stepson, who probably doesn’t speak a word of English?’

‘Look, thank God she met Sandy — and she shares this with you. You haven’t cheated on her, she loves you, Roy. How do you feel about the kid, Bruno?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve never met him. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.’

‘Remember Bette Davis?’

‘Bette Davis? I know the name, but couldn’t pick her out of a line-up.’

‘Only one of the greatest movie stars ever. I thought with your advancing years you’d be old enough to remember. All About Eve. The Nanny. The Wicked Stepmother. She won two Academy Awards.’

‘Never saw them.’

‘Yeah, well she once said, “The key to life is accepting challenges. Once someone stops doing this, he’s dead.”’

‘True,’ Grace said.

Branson patted him on the back. ‘I’m sorry about Sandy and about Marlon. Shit, what a day for you.’

‘When we should be celebrating.’ He shrugged.

‘I meant to ask you — how did you know about the necklace — the locket?’