William Johnston: Get Smart Once Again!

“Wouldn’t you like to hear the part where Peaches shot the holes in the boat again, Chief?”

“No, Max. Just give me the Plan.”

“What do you intend to do with it, Chief?”

“Why, publicize it, just as you suggested.”

“Good. Here it is, Chief.”

The Chief snatched the Plan from Max’s hand, then headed hurriedly for the door.

“Where are you going, Chief?” Max asked curiously.

“Oh… well, I’m going to take the Plan to the publicity department,” the Chief replied. “It’s the publicity department that does all our publicizing, you know.”

“That makes sense,” Max nodded.

The Chief went out the door, then closed it behind him.

“Max…” 99 frowned, “… I didn’t know we had a publicity department.”

“It’s news to me, too,” Max said.

“If we’re a secret organization, why would we have a publicity department?” 99 asked.

“We’re not that secret,” Max replied. “Everybody knows about us. You can’t keep a thing like a secret organization a secret.”

“Still…”

At that moment, the door opened and the Chief came back in.

“Max!” he said. “You’re back!”

Max shook his head. “No, Chief, you’re the one who’s back. I haven’t been anywhere.”

“I don’t doubt that,” the Chief said. “But you tried, didn’t you? New York, Moscow, Peking-remember?”

“Max!” 99 cried.

“Just a minute, 99,” Max said. “Let’s get this other thing straightened out.” He turned back to the Chief. “Chief, you’re the one who apparently doesn’t remember. I explained all that in my story-remember?”

“Your story, Max?”

“Max!” 99 cried again.

“99, please, just a moment.” Once more, he faced toward the Chief. “Surely you remember, Chief. When Peaches shot those holes in the boat? You remember that, don’t you? I just finished telling the story not ten minutes ago.”

“Max!”

“99, please!”

“Max, I’ve been out of my office on a coffee break for over a half-hour,” the Chief said.

Max blinked at him-then turned to 99. “Yes, you were saying?”

“Max!”

“Yes, I know. But what else.”

“Max, that first man you talked to, the one you told the story to, that wasn’t the Chief. That was-”

“Noman!” Peaches shrieked.

“Max, what’s going on here?” the Chief demanded.

“Well, Chief, I hate to admit it, but I think I’ve been outNomaned,” Max replied.

“What happened?” the Chief asked.

Max motioned toward the Chief’s chair. “Have a seat, Chief. This is a long story.”

“Twice as long when you hear it the second time,” Peaches groaned.

Max then proceeded to tell the story again, leaving out not one single detail.

When he had finished, the Chief said, “Then, as I understand it, Noman masqueraded as me, and he now has the Plan.”

“That’s the way I understand it, too,” Max replied.

The Chief smiled. “Well, it could be worse, Max.”

Max stared at him. “How?”

“The Dooms Day Plan could have been a plan for a Dooms Day.”

“It is, Chief! Didn’t you understand? The whole day will be Arthur Dooms’s.”

“No, Max, I mean a real Dooms Day-the end of the world.”

“Oh. Well then, yes, I agree. That would be worse. But, we’ve lost our opportunity to destroy KAOS. That isn’t good, Chief.”

“I’m not so sure about that, Max.”

“Chief! Is that you saying that?”

“Maybe he’s Noman again,” 99 said.

The Chief shook his head. “No, no, 99-I’m the Chief, all right.”

“Then how can you say that you’re not sure that it isn’t good that we’ve lost our opportunity to destroy KAOS, Chief?” Max asked.

“Well, Max, any organization that holds a testimonial dinner for a trusted employee can’t be all bad. I expect the same thing from Control when I retire.”

“Yes, Chief, but-”

“And, Max, I think that, in this day of reality and reason, we ought to encourage sentimentality wherever we find it. There’s little enough of it left in the world.”

“Yes, Chief, but-”

“There’s another reason, too, Max. A more practical reason.”

“Yes, Chief, but- But what is it, Chief?”

“Well, Max, if we eliminated all the bad guys, what would be the eventual result?”

“A perfect world?”

“That’s a little long-range for me, Max. I’m thinking of the short-term aspects. Ask yourself this, Max: In what kind of work are we engaged?”

“Chasing bad guys.”

“And, if there were no more bad guys, Max?”

“A lot of swell good guys would be out of work,” Max replied.

“Exactly.”

“I see your point, Chief.”

“All us good guys out of work, we’d be a burden on the nation’s economy,” the Chief said. “Good guys would be standing in bread lines.”

Max shuddered. “I guess it’s a good thing that Noman escaped with the Plan.”

“All’s well that ends well, Max,” the Chief said. He turned to Peaches. “Miss Twelvetrees,” he said, “needless to say, we are grateful for your assistance.”

“She was no help at all, Chief,” Max said.

“How can you say that, Max?” the Chief replied. “She failed to break the code, didn’t she?”

“Yes, Chief, but-”

“If she had broken the code, Max, and we had discovered that the Dooms Day Plan was a menu for a testimonial dinner, and we had publicized the fact that KAOS was staffed with a bunch of softies, all us good guys would now be on the brink of unemployment.”

“I take back what I said,” Max said to Peaches. “Your services were invaluable.”

“Thank you,” Peaches giggled. “Now, can I ask a favor?”

“Anything,” the Chief replied.

“Could you give me the address of KAOS headquarters?”

“Well… yes… I suppose,” the Chief said, baffled. “Max,” he said, “will you get that address from the file, please?”

Max went to the file, and came back a moment later with the address written on a slip of paper.

“Would I be too nosy if I asked what you intend to use this for?” Max said, handing Peaches the slip of paper.

“Heavens, no!” she replied. “I’m going to join KAOS.”

“You’re-”

“I’ve been thinking,” she explained. “About that Noman. He could be quite romantic.”

“Noman? That cold-blooded arch-criminal?”

“He may be a cold-blooded arch-you-know-what to you,” Peaches said. “But he’s a fantastic possibility to me.”

“I’m not sure I understand,” the Chief said.

“With that face of his?” Peaches giggled. “He could be a pudgy Cary Grant in the morning, a pudgy Rock Hudson at noon, and a pudgy Tony Curtis at night. You think that ain’t a fantastic possibility?”

“Well, I suppose-the Chief began.

But Peaches could not wait. “Happy landings,” she called, going out the door.

The Chief looked at Max disappointedly. “Max-what happened? When that girl came in here this morning, she was a friend. Now, she’s joining KAOS. From friend to enemy in less than twenty-four hours.”

Max winced. “Sorry about that, Chief,” he said.