Marcia Muller: Crucifixion River

“What the hell’s the matter with you?”

Slowly I looked up. My husband Ray had returned from the used-book shop with a package under his arm. A handsome man yet, blond and tanned and fit, dressed in a new brown cashmere sweater and cords. Handsome as the day I’d met him at the sorority open house twenty-six years ago. A quarter century of marriage, so long that I could scarcely remember a time when he wasn’t there. Always there, yet so often absent even when physically present.

I should have sensed that quality even before we were married. The way his eyes kept moving restlessly as he pretended interest in what I was saying. The way he replied with nods and utterances that were mere reaction to my tone of voice, rather than my words’ content. But I was twenty years old; what did I know of a man for whom the real world was never quite enough? A man who sought elusive fulfillment in the new and strange and different, as if he might then enter another dimension that would measure up to his expectations.

Nothing had ever measured up. Nothing. Not a stellar career that began with the glimmerings of what the media now called the Information Age and culminated in the sale of the last of three computer software firms he’d founded-a sale unprecedented in financial annals that ensured the security of our children and their heirs for generations to come. The children-Donna and Andrew-certainly hadn’t measured up; he’d given them scant attention, and now they had drifted away. There were the various pursuits, all dangerous-flying, mountain climbing, auto racing-and now all discarded. Even the latest passion, skydiving, was a thing of the past. I would be the last to go, the wife who had become nothing more than a good traveling companion.

The Caribbe an in winter, when rains soaked northern California. Paris in the springtime. Alaskan cruises to escape the heat of summer in the Napa Valley. African photo safaris, visits to Egypt’s pyramids, tours of China and Russia. Hawaii at the holidays when our children and their families failed to return home. We migrated like birds, but insulated from unpleasantness and with fewer surprises.

Until this past month.

“Melissa, I asked you, what’s the matter?” Feigned concern turned the fine lines at his eyes’ corners to furrows. With an effort I said: “I’m not feeling well.”

“I told you you shouldn’t have made that chicken pasta for lunch. It’s a warm day, and heavy food and wine…”

I nodded wearily. It wasn’t the pasta or the wine, but there was no point in arguing. The only point was in calling for help, trying to save myself. And I still couldn’t seem to care. I was dying, and Ray had poisoned me.

Melissa didn’t want to leave the bench. “It’s already too late, isn’t it?” she said dully.

“Too late for what?”

“Oh, God, Ray, I can die here as well as anywhere else. It’s peaceful here…”

“Die? Don’t be silly, you’re not going to die.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, grimacing, and wouldn’t say another word.

I was tempted to let her sit there with her stomachache and suffer. She could be exasperating sometimes, when she was in one of her moods. She tended to exaggerate and overdramatize situations even at her best, and, whenever she was hurt or upset or angry, she retreated so deeply inside herself that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach her.

Not that I’d ever been able to get to the core of her, really, except in small ways and for short glimpses. There was just no common ground for us. I live in the real world; I don’t believe in anything I can’t touch or see or smell. I have strong appetites-sex, food, danger. I take life in both hands and squeeze hard. Melissa is just the opposite. She’s a romantic, a sentimentalist; she lives in a fantasy world of dreams and ideals, searching for comforts and fulfillments that I can’t give her, that nobody can, because even she doesn’t understand exactly what it is she wants out of life. “Little girl lost” is an apt description of her. Dorothy wandering around in some fantastic Oz of her own devising, where everything and everybody is strange and bewildering.

That lost quality was part of what attracted me to her in the beginning. It’s very appealing in a beautiful young woman; it makes her more desirable, the chase and catch more exhilarating. Chase and catch weren’t enough for me in Melissa’s case, though. Before we slept together the first time, I knew I was in love with her. But how can you keep on loving someone you can touch only part of the time, like a ghost who drifts in and out of your life and bed, substantial for a while and then little more than vapor? I don’t deal well with frustration or failure, yet that’s what Melissa had come to represent.

It was the same for her, I suppose. I’m not what she wants or understands, either. That’s why she keeps drifting from one affair to another-looking for someone who’s more like she is, who can give her what she wants or thinks she wants. A satisfaction I could always take until recently is that none of the men measured up anymore than I have. None until the last one.

Jake Hollis. My good skydiving pal, Jake. He must have measured up. He must’ve been what she wanted. Otherwise, why would the two of them have plotted to kill me?

She had to have been part of it, much as I hated the thought. It’d been her idea that Jake and I go jumping that day; I remember her suggesting it. And she’d gone along with us, the first time in years she wanted to be in the plane for one of my dives. I don’t know why I agreed. I knew by then she was sleeping with Hollis. But murder…the possibility never even occurred to me. His hands on my back, clawing at my chute…I can still feel them. Trying to rip the pack off so I’d plummet to my death. A few years younger, a little stronger, but not as determined to survive as I’d been. That’s the main reason his chute was the one damaged in the struggle, his body the one that plummeted 2,000 feet to shatter on the hard earth.

She didn’t cry for him, at least not in front of me. Shock, horror, but no tears. Retreated inside herself to that place no one else can ever go-like the Cheshire cat when it vanished. If she had cried in front of me, I think I would’ve confronted her then and there. Two weeks now since it happened and I still haven’t done it. And I don’t know why. This trip to the Sierra foothills, the pretense that everything is reasonably normal between us…it’s a fool’s game. If she and one of her lovers had tried to kill me in the past, I wouldn’t have hesitated to accuse her, throw her out, take some sort of revenge. Now…I don’t know. I’m still hanging on to life with both hands, but the grip isn’t as strong as it used to be. Neither are the highs nor the lows, the emotions that once raged in me like torrents. It’s as if part of me, or something within me, did die that day, along with Jake Hollis.

I ought to hate her, but I don’t. I feel sorry for her.

She was still sitting with her eyes closed, her hands clutched at her middle, her mouth twisted. Typical of her. An upset stomach, and she turns it into high drama.

“Melissa,” I said, “we’re going back to the lodge. Right now.”

She didn’t object this time. “All right.”

I helped her up, put my arm around her, and led her to the car. People watched us, one or two with concerned expressions or small, approving smiles. Solicitous husband helping unwell wife. The scene was so outwardly caring, loving, that I felt an urge to laugh. But I didn’t. There was nothing left to laugh about.

And now my stomach was beginning to bother me. Sharp little cramping pains. Sympathy pains? That was almost funny, too-but not quite.